


Anyone else but you

by crazyforthisloki



Series: High School Love [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-08 12:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 94,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1940511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyforthisloki/pseuds/crazyforthisloki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin was convinced his last year at school was meant to be uneventful and his years as the unpopular kid were behind him but when Arthur -the bully of his nightmares and knight of his dreams- came with a problem, Merlin realized that perhaps things were meant to change forever all alone... that or fate was messing with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...) And the head said that you always were a queer one from the start  
> For careers you say you went to be remembered for your art  
> Your obsessions get you known throughout the school for being strange  
> Making life-size models of the Velvet Underground in clay
> 
> You've been used, you're confused  
> Write a song, I'll sing along  
> Are you calm? Settle down  
> Soon you will know that you are sane  
> You're on top of the world again (...)

Merlin never fooled himself thinking he could ever be one of the popular kids in his schoo --he knew very well his social skills were nothing but rusty and that his reputation was practically nonexistent. He walked through the halls of his school being pushed around the walls by people he had never talked to, no one noticing him and no one caring of what could happen. But he didn't let that get him down. He couldn’t be sad for something that he knew wasn't going to last forever because Merlin knew high school had to end at some point. It had to. At some point, he was going to get out and never look back at the people that had made his life "less than easy to carry" ever again… and he was damn excited about it.

Walking down the corridor next to his best friend –his only friend- Will, Merlin stared at the faces of all the classmates that had never talked to him or didn’t even know about his existence. He didn’t care about the fact that they would forget his face the second he passed by their sides because he won't remember theirs as well; after so many years stuck in Ealdor, all the faces started to look the same for him and all the people seemed to blend into one huge mass he would never interact with.

“So… what do you want to do after class?” Will asked him while they went to Merlin`s locker.

“So many possibilities in life,” he answered with a fake sigh. “My brain feels the pressure."

“Maybe we could go to the mall and hang out like the cool kids we are." Merlin raised an eyebrow at his best friend. Maybe Merlin had got used to the fact that he was no one in school but Will seemed to still linger on the fantasy that the next year was going to be the right year for his popularity levels to finally rise up.

“I will pass on that.”

“And what are you going to do then?”

“Live the big life and stay at home watching T.V.”

“You know if you keep staying at home every day, you are never going to get laid and your little friend might die of loneliness,” he said while pointing down to Merlin`s crotch.

“Could we not discuss my penis in public?”

“I`m just saying that if you don’t let some air get into that, it`s going to fall and it will be sad.”

“Seriously Will, the only air your dick sees is the draft that crashes through your own bathroom window,” he replied. Instead of a snarky remark, Will held his hand in a fist and stabbed himself in his belly with it --because apparently he was best friend with a drama queen.

“You are so funny Will, somebody should pay you for being this funny.”

“That`s what I keep telling my dad but he keeps sending me here every day instead.”

They went inside the old and musk-scented classroom, and with almost every seat already taken, they had to settle with the furthest ones in the dark corner. Like the gargoyles and spider webs that rested in such dark spots, as they walked their presence came as fictional and eery. "Home sweet home” Will whispered to Merlin`s ear while they sat on the spot they had made their own over the past years. They snikered as Merlin contemplated the rest of the culture inside the room. Front-row seats were practically reserved for Lance and Gwen who were always punctual, always presenting the perfect grades and the perfect hair. Merlin sometimes wondered if they got together only over their mutual fascination with hair products. Then he ended up scratching that idea because those two were the most smitten creatures in the world and nobody could fake that much level of commitment just for the sake of mousse and hair creams. By his right there were Freya, the quiet and simple girl Will completely did not had a crush on (Shut up, Merlin, I don't care about her) and her best friend Elena, the only girl that could make Merlin feel good about his lack of coordination by comparison. When they saw him staring, Freya smiled slightly while Elena waved her hand high like a puppy on caffeine. He waved back while hitting Will with his elbow but the coward bastard conveniently dropped his pen at that exact moment.

“You know Freya is never going to fall madly in love you if you keep ducking like a turtle every time she sees you.”

“And who says I care if she does?”

“Your blushed-like-apples cheeks do.”

“Shut up! I don't blush.”

On the table behind Elena and Freya sat Gwaine and his obviously secret boyfriend Percival. Merlin knew neither of them were out yet and he could not blame them for it. After all, a small town like Ealdor would probably throw a parade just to let everyone know they had their first same sex couple around them --of course, they both had to act keeping their appearances " _straight"_  but what Merlin had seen one time under the rugby field's bleachers one Friday night spoke by itself. He could never out them and ever since he had made the solemn vow to never speak of what he had seen the two boys doing to each other that night -something involving both pants and trousers down on the floor-  they had somehow become a commited pair of personal bodyguards. Or so Merlin thought since the levels of kicks and unpleasant surprises inside his locker had dropped substantially since that day. He didn’t expect them to wave back like Elena had, because as the official records stood, they had never met and would never do. He could live with that but he wondered for how long they could live with a secret relationship --perhaps that was the reason he never worried about getting a proper date or tried to make weird eye contact with someone over the corner of the room. Because he knew the only person he could have feelings for should need to have the same equipment and more courage than he could ever posses. And so far he hadn’t met anyone with those characteristics.

No one who could be worth the trouble.

“I bet you my lunch that those two will start to hold hands the minute Mr. Muirden turns the lights off for the movie.”

“Your lunch is an expired cereal bar from two years ago and shut up, someone might hear you.”

“Big deal, everyone already knows they eat their asses every night.”

“Just because no one eats your ass does it mean you can say that."

“Did I disturb your virtue?”

“Your face disturbs me.”

Will seemed ready to say something Merlin knew wouldn't be half as clever as he expected but he shut his mouth the moment Mr. Muirden, the redhead biology teacher stepped inside the classroom. Even though this was far from being their first class together, somehow every week the picture of the scars that painted half of the man`s face, managed to disturb at least one student per lesson. Merlin knew if there was one thing that could scare him, it wouldn’t be his teacher's face but his almost magical ability to destroy his dignity when it came to take his tests. “Please turn the lights off,” the red-haired man said while he put his briefcase on top of his desk right next to the wooden box he always carried in his pocket. Some people said he kept worms and other bugs to feed the people that failed at answering his questions inside and Merlin was always tempted to belive it even though he knew it was where he kept his glasses.

“Here it comes,” Will whispered the second the room went dark --even though he didn’t want to, his eyes drifted unconsciously to his right where Gwaine and Percival were indeed very much holding hands under their shared table. At least, Merlin hoped hand-holding was the only thing they were doing. For a flickering second he felt a small sting of jealousy in his heart before it disappeared as it always did when he saw happy couples.

He was thankful it never lasted.

"Told you," Will proclaimed victorious.

“Will, your lunch is so old it has a face of its own, save it for yourself.”

“You always say “you were right, Will” in such a weird way, have you noticed it?”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The movie had been going for forty-five minutes about what Merlin could only presume was a fascinating hour about the insides of the cell. He was working on supressing the tenth yawn of the period when the door opened with the distinctive flare for drama and shock that only Arthur Pendragon`s entrances had. Merlin rolled his eyes at the dark shadow that sauntered through the classroom while holding a smaller version of a real life Barbie doll named Vivian, thinking that not just because he had been born with a perfect back-shoulders-bottom ratio tha allowed him to enter every room as if he was the king of the world.

At best, he could be a duke of a very small corner of the world.

“Mister Blondie here,” Will hissed so no one besides him could hear it. Yes, he thought, those gargoyles could really fall into eaves-dropping tendencies these days. Very useful Will. But then he could only imagine what would happen to his friend`s face and teeth's integrity if Arthur ever heard all the different nicknames they had invented for him. “Colour me your colour baby; colour me your car…”

 “You know Will, that that only proves you like Blondie."

“You are telling me that if I don’t go through your playlists, I won't find “Autoamerican” buried deep down somewhere?”

“First of all, I have an eclectic and unique musical taste you could only dream of having and second of all… is The Hunter.”

“Seriously Merlin, my mom called wanting her estrogen back --she is feeling weak."

As Arthur walked down the small path towards the empty seats in front of their table, and Vivian followed him by the hand diligently, Merlin saw Mr. Muirden writing something down his pad. If he had focused long enough on it, he might had smelled the scorches that ignited his face out of pure rage... again. He knew Arthur would get at best a frown-upon look from him or from any other teacher for that matter, but both Merlin and Will and pretty much anyone who wasn’t a member of Arthur`s exclusive fangirl club knew it always came down to his daddy. Not just because certain father may own almost half of the entire town, it meant he could get away with everything. Merlin thought how badly Arthur needed reality slapping his face with passion. So far nobody was in a hurry or had volunteered to do it yet --unless someone might  be in the mood to loose a hand or get publically executed by Uther.

But a public execution was the worst case scenario.

He hoped.

The movie ended and as the credits started to roll over a frozen picture of a freckled boy eating an ice-cream, the lights went back on. Mr. Muirden walked in front of the class with a stern expression Merlin knew was seventy-five percent directed exclusively to Arthur. As he started to hand out the working sheets, the blonde head in front turned around and Merlin met the usual blue eyes and smirking lips. Perfect ass and dreamy eyes, the only recipe that could make his “little friend” breathe some fresh air. He sighed internally. Merlin knew that if just Arthur wouldn't be that much of a prat, maybe - _just_ maybe- his body would respond the way God intended to. But it wasn't meant to be. The second the other opened his mouth, all the cells that had the ability to allow any sort of heat to curse through his skin cooled off as magic.

Arthur was indeed like magic. But he had the awful tendency to be more of the "I-am-going-to-skin-a-cat-weraing-dark-eyeliner" sort than the lovely and whimsical magical properties that Disney had let him to believe in.

“Care to tell me what that thing was about?” he asked with his dashing smile. Maybe if he could focus, he could see Vivian drooling in the background.

“The movie?”

“No, _Mar_ vin, the modern dance competition that just happened in front of the class… yes! Of course I mean the movie,” he said turning his smile off as well as Merlin`s body did.

“Heart transplants,” Will said without even flinching. Merlin tried to keep his smile secret to avoid any suspicions but the proximity of seeing someone so untouchable like Arthur making a fool of himself was almost too good to hide. Almost --but he did well. He nodded back at the other one with a serious face. Sure, heart transplants.

Arthur frowned for a moment. “I thought we were going to talk about the animal cells."

“And what do you think hearts are made of? Iron?” Will replied with as if he was the know it all of the class. 

“Right,” Arthur slowly nodded while he considered Will`s argument. “Thank you mate,” he smiled and turned back around.

“No problem!” Will replaid with a cheeky smile.

Oh, they were so dead now.

“We are getting our asses handed on a silver platter after class, aren’t we?” Merlin whispered.

“It's a good thing you didn’t have any actual plans, right?”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“So --Mr. Muirden said, stretching the last sound as if he was having a hard time deciding on which to focus his methods of torture today-- Mr. Pendragon," he said surprising no one, "I'm glad you have decided to enlighten us with your presence today.” Merlin knew that if there was anyone else who could be more fed up with Arthur Pendragon than he, the scarred man was the right choice. The glare he was giving Arthur could have sent him all the way to the back of the classroom to squash like a bug on its harshness. Merlin guessed everybody were very fortunate that their teacher did not have any actual magical skills; otherwise, having to look the perfect figure of Arthur plastered on the wall every day would eventually become tiresome. Or so he thought. “What did you think of the movie then? I`m sure you have something to share with the rest of the class.”

“It was very instructive indeed” Arthur answered with his most diplomatic tone. Merlin remembered how much time he and Will had wasted thinking and laughing at the sight of a five-year old Arthur having to practice his speech in front of his father every day. No Arthur, Will pretended to say with the very deep tone they could only assume had to be the way Uther Pendragon talked like in real life, the ladies would not swoon unless you give them full-teeth coverage with your smile, he said while expanding his mouth with his hands.

“And what would you think was the most instructive part?”

Merlin heard the brief silent space in between the question and Arthur`s answer, knowing how bad his brain was working to try and come up with a half-decent response. Somehow, every time a teacher asked Arthur about anything he always found a way to answer and satisfy them. The prat had some mad lying skills, Merlin had to admit.

“The surgery,” he proclaimed feeling so good about himself --Merlin could hear it as the rest of the class did too. He had to kick Will on the knee to dry out the chuckle that almost interrupted the answer. Merlin felt his face going bright red as he saw the other's faces. Freya and Elena looked incredibly invested in the interior of their backpacks probably laughing quietly next to their books; Gwaine was chewing his long hair, obviously making an effort to not laugh too hard while Percival was seated close with his most expressionless form. Lancelot shook his head like the disappointed father he was next to Gwen who, as Merlin knew, had a tendency to experiment some serious second-hand embarrassment with this sort of situations.

Everybody seemed to be in serious pain from what was about to happen. Everybody except Arthur. 

“Surgery?” Muirden inquired ready to drop everything in his hand and walk straight into Arthur`s place to slap him in his perfect face. Yes! Merlin thought for a second. Then he remembered professors shouldn't assault students; at least, not during class. “I think we were all a little bit shocked to see a surgery in the movie.”

“I don’t see how they expected to do a heart transplant without a surgery,” Arthur asked. Merlin thought Will was going to get an aneurism at holding back his laugh for so long. The whole class would be eventually.

“Hea-heart transplant?” and this time Gwaine seemed to lost it completely, almost falling from his seat to the floor just to be timely stopped by Percival`s steady grip. As quickly as they both readjusted their postures to the very straight men they were supposed to be, Edwin walked into Arthur`s table like Merlin had predicted with fire in his eyes. “And where was this transplanted heart, Mr. Pendragon?”

“Inside the patient`s chest of course.”

“Right… would you care to see me after class young man, to exchange a few words?” he said, cooling down the pyre of his sight. As he returned to his desk, Muirden approached Lancelot as if his blood was still boiling inside. “Mr. du Lac, would you try to explain to the rest of the class where there was a heart inside the animal cell or would you explain the actual movie to Mr. Pendragon?”

Lancelot cleared his throat and started to give almost an entire thesis on the subject. Mentally counting down the usual five minutes, Merlin saw Arthur`s hands on top of his desk slowly turning into red-skin fists. “Are you happy now?” he said to Will.

“I think my heart exploded with happiness.”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

It wasn’t that much of a novelty anymore: Arthur`s fist on his face and the rusty taste of his own blood building up inside his mouth. He remembered the first time Arthur had punched him in the face, the second day of school when he had accidentally tripped behind him on the track race making him trip on his own feet for it. He had fallen deep into the ground, enough for his nose to almost agressively hug the cement. It didn't matter how much Merlin had tried to apologize for it -even as he had stumbled over his bitten lips; how much he swore on his mother`s name that he hadn’t meant it. It hadn't stopped Arthur from getting his knuckles slightly bruised with his cheeks. And since it didn't matter for him, and it never did, he learned to stop apologizing for his accidents. Perhaps he should stop trying all together of messing with Arthur`s nerves in the first place, but sometimes it was just too much fun -- also letting Will to get his ass destroyed all alone never seemed fair. And since it was Will the one who always teased Arthur (or thought of doing it first) it usually meant he got the worst part.

Normally Arthur would only punch him in the face twice before he could drop on the floor defeated, and then he would concentrate his rage unto Will who normally fell after four hits connected to the jaw. As a finishing touch, Arthur would kick him once in the stomach for good measure.

At first, Merlin had always tried to stop the kick from happenine his stomach wasn't made of lead and Arthur ended up kicking both of them, they had just started to wear more layers of clothes as a countermeasure.

“You think you are so funny, don’t you?” he teased as Will received his third punch in the cheek.

“They weren’t laughing at me, mate," Will replaid with a bloody grin that Arthur soon covered a last time with his fist. Will dropped to the floor and Arthur gave the kick; Merlin was trying to count with his tongue all of his teeth had remained in their positions --so far, they had both been lucky in that sense for Arthur's damage never managed to leave any permanent marks. As the routine always went, Arthur stepped away from them the second everything was over without saying another word. Months before, Will had told him he sometimes hoped Arthur would give them some sort of kick-ass punch line to at least, make the beating worthy.

But he always left them in silence.

This time, he had done it behind the dumpsters. “You okay there, Will?" he asked with half of his voice.

“You know, if Arthur keeps kicking me in the stomach my kidneys are going to be on my back,” he laughed and coughed at the same time. "Or at least, they're going to be feet-shaped."

“Maybe if you stopped teasing him all the time, your kidneys might still have a chance.”

“And where is the fun in that?” He got up from his crouched position and touched his face; he started to move his jaw to check if everything was still attached to their positions. “Sorry you missed your date with your telly,” he said while he helped him get up as well. Merlin shrugged as he tried to clean up his clothes from the dirt and god-knows-what-it-was in the garbage.

“We are in a committed relationship but Stephan understands that when I don’t get home in time it`s because of you.”

“You should check your backpack Merlin, maybe Arthur broke your mirror and make-up kit by accident.” They made themselves look slightly presentable and smiled.

“You know I like going au natural in life,” he replaid stretching his bruised arms.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

His mother was on the living room, working on her dog`s scrapbooks. The minute Merlin stepped inside the house, he yelled a quick salute before storming the kitchen. Taking a box of ice cream with him he made a run for his life up the stairs to his room. She didn’t need to see him looking like that right now; the ice cream would luckily ease down the swelling on his cheek and banana cream was his favorite flavour after all. It was a win-win situation.

The walls of his room were so deeply covered with posters Merlin had reached the point were he had to put some of the new ones on top of the older ones, burying for example the always charming Bowie with the also charming Johnny Flynn. He tucked himself inside his bed with the box of ice cream over his face and a spoon on his mouth. He cursed Arthur for making banana cream taste bitter today.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was awaken by a sudden blow to the head. He knew the moment for a poltergeist to visit his room had finally arrived --he just didn’t understand why would a ghost worry about him going to school in time. When he actually opened his eyes and lift the covers from his face, there was no ghost but his mother`s face on top of him glaring. “Merlin…”

“Mum? What time is it?”

“Eight in the morning.”

“Why are you waking me up then?”

“Because schools starts in an hour and you somehow managed to cover yourself during the night with some sort of sticky substance all over yourself."

Merlin woke up completely and sat on his bed realizing that he had fallen asleep with the ice cream still on his lap. "I'm a teenager mum, it happens." When he felt his hands, hair and face completely gluey he remembered that perhaps, the bruise in his face might not have disappeared entirely by then. “Good lord Merlin, what happened to your face?” her mother asked, voice filled with anguish.

“It`s nothing, Will and I fell down walking down the street.”

“Is that so?” she asked raising her eyebrow.

"It was quite a spectacular landing."

“Is it the same person?”

“It`s alright mum.” She held his face with her soft hands, caressing his bruised cheek with her fingers. “Oh honey, this is not alright. Why won`t you tell me who he is?”

“Mum--,” he groaned.

“Or who she is. If a girl is beating the crap out of you, you need to tell me anyway."

“Mum!”

“What? Is not impossible!”

“Is not a girl, is a boy and even if I told you, there`s nothing you could do.”

“Why not?”

“Because unless you are prepared to pack  everything out of town and expect to never have a proper job ever again, you couldn’t do anything about it."

“Arthur Pendragon is doing this to you? That boy must be delusional to think he can do this and not get a punishment.”

“Mum--”

“He won`t get away with this. I will go myself and even if it`s necessary, I will tear apart Uther`s door just to make him listen to me!”

“Mum!”

“Yes?”

“I`m all covered in banana ice cream and I`m late for school, can I go and take a shower?” he asked channeling his most adorable puppy eyes. At least, his mum said they were adorable. He knew that if he could manage to distract her mothe about the subject, it was most likely she would not burn down Uther`s office in the afternoon.  _Most likely._

“Of course honey, you smell like the snout of a monkey any way."

He swiftly got up from his bed and walked like a zombie to their shared bathroom in their small home. Her mother removed the dirty sheets and empty bowl. Although he was happy to have such a loving, he wasn't willing to go against Uther Pendragon on her own just because Merlin got a nasty bruise once. A couple of times. Several times. Okay, more often than not. “Merlin” she said with the singing voice of a housewife prepared to bake a cake and murder her husband in the same dress, “I won't forget this.”

Of course she wouldn't.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was trying to fit his math and chemistry books inside his locker when his John Keats`s Anthology copy dropped to the floor. Sighing, he leaned over to pick it up and sawa pair of legs walking down his direction. Shoes that cost more than the most expensive car he could never afford and jeans that perfectly fitted their owner's calfs. But he was not staring, he just had a keen eye for detail.

“You dropped your book."

“I can see it, thank you” he said to the grinning face of Arthur Pendragon. He put it inside his locker and closed it without offering him a second look. People with faces like Arthur`s deserved to be admired constantly; people with personalities like Arthur`s deserved to be ignored entirely.

“You can`t be holding me a grudge for yesterday, can you?” he smirked. Now he was behind him with his arms crossed in front of his chest as if he owned that exact spot. Merlin didn’t answer, his mother had taught him on his early years that he shouldn’t respond to the bullies and he was willing to obey her. Also, he got slightly tongue-tied around the prat and he didn't need to know that to make Merlin's life an even hotter hell. He simply walked away from his locker without looking back. Very dignified.

“Oh c`mon!” the other laughed in the background. “Don`t be such a girl!”

“Eat my fruit-cake ass you tosser!” he yelled and didn’t stay there to wait for a response.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“Fruit-cake ass?” Will`s eyebrow was so high it could practically disappear on his hair line at any moment but Merlin was determined to not be ashamed of his wit. “I think you beat your own record on personal embarrassment with that one."

“It wasn’t that bad,” he said without conviction.

“Yeah, you are right-- there are worse pastry-related insults in this world.”

“I could have called him a muffin-head for all I know...”

“Or a pie-hole.”

“I think I managed to save a chunk of my dignity with that one.” They were approaching his mother`s working place, the only community clinic in town where she worked as a social assistant for people who couldn’t afford private help. Will lived down the road and normally, Merlin would be going inside just to greet her before marching into Will`s place to spend the afternoon watching something on T.V. and eating junk food. This time they were both still a little bit tired from their the previous day's encounter (not that they would actually admit such display of weakness) and even though neither of them was willing to admit it, they could benefit more from a nap than from a Doctor Who marathon. They parted ways near the entrance at the same time a woman in visible distress left trying to dry her tears falling on her face while she covered with her free hand a very prominent pregnant belly.

They somehow managed to ignore that. “See you later muffin-head."

“Alright fruit-cake ass.”

The place inside wasn’t very charming but clinics never were. With curtains made out of the darkest of fabrics, they only helped to make the place look more like a cave than a health-care facility. It was home-like in a very disturbing way. Inside he was greeted by the always punctual receptionist George. In his mother`s office the windows might be smaller and the curtains made from the same material as the others in the reception but the ever soothing presence of his mother made it look as a cave with walls made out of crystal for his eyes. He knew for the eyes of her patients the effect was quite the same.

“No new bruises today,” she said without taking her eyes from a file she was reading seated on her simple desk. He sat across from her as if he was one of her patients.

“A personal record.” He could only offer her a half-smile as his cheek was still a bit soared.

“Are you going home now?”

“I thought I could spend some time with you. Mother-son bonding time."

“Not a chance. I have patients and unless you go to heat your seat for eight hours, you should have some homework to do."

“Mum, it`s Wednesday! Nobody does homework on Wednesdays."

“Yes… a rule you somehow apply to every other day of the week too."

“I`m resourceful and economical.”

“Sorry honey but you can`t stay. I have a patient right now and for what he could tell me over the phone, it's not going to be an easy case."

“What`s wrong with him?”

“You know I can`t break patient-doctor confidentiality!” she said faking indignation.

“You are not even a doctor."

“Still none of your business” she said putting the file to rest and looking at his face. “Now off you go!”

“Oh please, how terrible can it be? Is he going to die?” He stood up anyway and picked his backpack from the floor. His mother had already made the walk from her chair to his place and was pushing him to leave her office at once.

“Not dying, just very worried."

“About what?”

“You are not going to let this go, aren’t you? No wonder your perfect face gets smashed every day of the week." Merlin shook his head muttering a silent "No" with his mouth. Hunith sighed knowing she had raised a child more stubborn when at sixteen than when he had been six. It was a lost battle. "It's a boy who is going to be a father and apparently can't tell his own father about it because he would have him hang inmediately."

"Is that a quote or your professional opinion?"

"Leave--."

“You are right, that does sound tedious. I should probably leave then."

As his mother pushed him outside her office, Merlin wondered about the unofortunate couple that was bringing a child to the world with only the support of social care. He knew, being the son of a single mother that that life wasn't an easy one; and without the support of your family, it would be even worse. When he stepped inside the reception and found Arthur Pendragon standing next to Gilli as he said: "Alright Arthur, Misses Emrys is ready for you now," Merlin was lost at words. If only his mum had kicked him out of her office earlier.


	2. A well respected man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause he gets up in the morning,  
> And he goes to work at nine,  
> And he comes back home at five-thirty,  
> Gets the same train every time.  
> 'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality,  
> It never fails.
> 
> And he's oh, so good,  
> And he's oh, so fine,  
> And he's oh, so healthy,  
> In his body and his mind.  
> He's a well respected man about town,  
> Doing the best things so conservatively (...)

Merlin was now a dead man. Oh well. The only things he had to lose were CD collection --oh yes, and also his life. It wasn't as if he was planning on doing something very memorable with it anyway. But he did dread entering the school's corridor the next day with its prospect to meet Arthur eye to eye, again. He tried to forget Arthur`s sudden expression of shock and disbelief when he had met him leaving his mother`s office. He did try. And maybe, getting inside the nearest room without saying a single word might not had been the best of decisions. He had never been known to people for having the greatest improvising reflections before, he could admit his movement of the day before had lacked some gracefulness in the end. But what mattered was that there would be no extra rooms to hide during classes and Fate forced him to share three lessons with Arthur. Unless Arthur lose his sight, or decided that it was finally the right time to be home-schooled, eventually he was bound to ran with him at some point.

Will saw him from the other end of the building -which spoke highly of how unsconspicuos he could be- and signaled him to come inside. Merlin really didn't feel like doing that. Arthur was probably already striding around its halls body tensed with rage looking for him; he was probably sharpening his knuckles so when he killed him with his bare hands, it would guaranty maximum damage. He hadn’t told Will about what had happened the day before --he wasn’t entirely sure if sharing such a piece of information with somebody else would be the wisest decision he could make right now. Maybe it was time to start taking wiser choices. He had considered telling his friend about it (just so he wouldn’t die alone) but he was still trying to process the information himself. He didn’t know if it would be right to ask her about his last patient; he had bitten his tongue when his mother had arrived the night before. The curiosity was killing him. To know the who's, when`s and where`s of the matter --he wanted to know how it had all came to be. Arthur. The same Arthur that had punched in the face two days before, the same Arthur that played every footie game in the year and celebrated every score like a child, that same Arthur was going to be a dad. But he guessed he wouldn't be the same Arthur anymore. There was a girl in this world, probably attending their same school who was going to be a mum as well. He remembered his mother`s words, Arthur`s father would killed him if he knew what his son had done. If God had given him a moment to feel sorry for the person that had bullied him over the last few years, it was now. Yet by the end of day, none of his noble resolutions and innane curiosity would matter because he knew (and Arthur knew he knew) and he was still a dead man.

Oh well, he sighed. 

“Geez Merlin, could you have applied some foundation? You look paler than my ass today,” Will said as they made their ways towards their first class of the day.

“Every day that passes Will, it becomes clearer and clearer that you know more about make-up than I.” Will tried to pick up a conversation about his clear lack of make-up knowledge (which Merlin knew was only half-true since they used to play with his mum's when they had been younger) but he didn't feel like it. They walked silently, knowing how awkward it all felt. 

Will declared in a dead-serious tone, “I know why you are acting so weird.” 

“You do?”

“I do,” he nodded solemnly. Placing himself in front of Merlin and holding his shoulders with his hands, he breathed as if he was about to reveal a piece of very dramatic news. Maybe he already knew --maybe the whole school already knew. Certainly Arthur couldn't kill them all; his father could but perhaps the shock of the news had killed him as well. Merlin really needed to stop thinking about death. But if Will knew it would be best for him if the other said it first. “Your-mum-told-you-last-night-that-she-wanted-me-for-a-son-instead-of-you,” he blurted in one quick sentence. Merlin looked at his best friend`s eyes for a second, trying to remember why they were friends. He always ended up blaming his mum (for telling him it was healthy to make friends) and timing (for putting Will there in the first place.)

“You know they should give you an award on being a capital Idiot, right?” he asked. They stared at each other, probably both reconsidering every single decision ever made, before they could break off laughing as usual. 

“A man can only dream with such honour,” Will replaid putting his arm around Merlin`s shoulder. He appreciated the gesture since it could carry him over inside the classroom without him making the conscious decision of facing his ultimate doom. And he was certain than before the day was over, Will would have to carry his lifeless body back to his house and to his mother`s arms as well. That would be nice, he thought, to complete a full cicle like that.

And now Merlin wasn't making any sense, or at least less sense than usual.

Seated in their usual table at the end of the room, Elena came to the table in front of them alone, drinking from a juice box while staring at the ceiling. She tripped but she also laughed --Merlin felt like laughing too, only because crying would be too melodramatic. Let other people cry for him, he thought somberly. When she finally noticed them, she smiled waving like always and turned around to stare at ceiling like a puppy staring at a plate of bacon.

“Just do it already,” Merlin said.

“Do what?” Will asked.

“Please, you're dying to ask Elena where is Freya; if she is going to come today, if something happened to her…”

“You don’t think something happened to her, do you?” Will asked in a sudden tone of concern that he quickly covered clearing his throat.

“Real convincing there, you almost had me,” Merlin said. Will just elbowed him in return. Since it was his last day on this earth, he decided to do something good for his best friend for once. He called Elena to ask the question he knew Will was dying to make but was too proud to show any actual human emotion to someone else about someone else.

“Oh, she had to go to the dentist,” Elena answered smiling kindly; her teeth were tainted with violet from her grape juice which made Merlin laughed. At least now he had done a good deed and laughed at the same time; perhaps facing death wouldn't be so terrible after all.

“See-- dentist. You were overreacting.” said Will.

“Let us hope she doesn’t drown in her own spit.”

“Oh Merlin, don’t be so morbid!” Elena complained still smiling. It wasn’t his fault that he felt so dark and gloomy, Death was roaming the halls as he spoke with his name written probably on side of its shopping list. Then it was the moment for the reason of his doom to step inside the room. Merlin thought that Arthur didn’t look like the sight of a man next to become a parent –-anxious, nervous and filled with the fear of responsibilities and the need to throw up, at least that was how Merlin imagined his own mum when she had learned about him. But Arthur look like his normal self, confidant and as if he had slept twelve hours without interruption. How did he dare to look so well-rested while Merlin struggled to thing of anything beside casket's sizes? Even as his impending end, Arthur found a way to infuriate Merlin. It wasn't as if he was looking for some form of visual contact with him but his eyes glared his walk any way. If at least Arthur would look at him, maybe he could find some reassurance that he was a walking corpse. A visual promise of this was his last day. But Arthur gave nothing, never looked back (and it wasn't as if he made a habit of looking at Merlin anyway) and sat alone at his table without greeting anyone.

“Fruit-cake ass over there,” Will pointed at his ear as if Merlin needed confirmation. He didn’t laugh at the memory now. There was something else in Arthur besides the epithets of his rear-end that concerned him more this time.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The day went without anything remotely exciting happening. Which he also found extremely annoying. There wasn’t any confrontation in the halls, no death-threats inside his locker and the one time he had passed Arthur`s side exiting the bathroom, the other had not even flinched at his sight. He knew how irrational it was to be so mad at the idea of not actually being about to die, but he had expected at least some recognition from the other's part. Did he really matter so little? He felt disappointed at the lack of drama his last day was having. Yes, perhaps he wasn’t the most impressive person (big shock there) but he did lik to think his death would have a greater impact. So he carried on with his day as normally as he could going from one class to the next, from one of Will's iddle comments to the following one. By the time it was lunch time, he even allowed himself to yawn out of boredom.

Who could have known awaiting for death could be this slow-paced?

“… to my place tonight?”

“What?”

“I said if you wanted to go over my place tonight,” said Will opening his mouth wide open to express every word as if Merlin was deaf. If it had been a normal uneventful Thursday, he would have agreed at once (because it wasn't as if he had any other plans) but something fell off about it. Perhaps making plans for the nght knowing he might not make it to the evening wasn't right --as if it wasn't polite to make plans over the other ones. It all felt slightly... odd, Merlin decided. Yes, that made sense. Awaiting for the end was an odd activity, especially when Arthur made no move to haste the process.

“I think I`m staying inside today." He yawned again (that was the sixth time now.) Will shrugged his shoulders and kept eating his bag of fries.

“OH-MY-GOD-YOU-ARE-NOT-GOING-TO-BELIEVE-IT!” exclaimed Elena storming their little corner next to the track field. Her arms were full with all sorts of fruits and as she moved like the floor was on fire, Merlin saw how half of it fell on the ground. The way the banana had landed on the soft grass was now officially the most exciting thing of his day.

“You mugged a farmer and now the police are unto you?” asked Will picking and peeling the banana.

“Realyl funny Will,” Merlin said taking half of the fruit from his hand. She sat next to them and Merlin didn’t know if he ought to ease her burden somehow but since he wasn't dying yet, the impulse of making good deeds didn't kick off. Elena looked more excited than she usually did which said a lot since she was the human equivalent of a puppy on acid. “What are we not going to believe?”

“People are talking about--,” she started trying to gain back her breath.

“Get over the dramatic pause and just said it!” Will told her finishing off his banana.

“Arthur Pendragon got a girl pregnant!”

Merlin chocked on his half. At first he thought he had not heard her correctly because he was naive like that. Then he heard Will choking as he had snorted a grape through his nose, and he realized that yes, it was all happening. People now knew, the school as an entitety knew. And then Merlin realised that as far as Arthur was concerned, he had been the first one to know.

It was like he could hear the extra nails being placed on the top of his coffin now. Could it be possible to be double the dead man that he was before? Why did it always come to Merlin to break the odds?

“CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT?” Elena yelled. Yes, Merlin could believe it perfectly but then he had had about twelve hours to come to terms with it. He could only expect the whole school to be revolutionised with the news as they spoke. As Elena and Will came back and forth to the idea that Arthur was a dad now, he thought about how the news had leaked throughout the school`s halls.

“Who's the girl?” Will asked and Merlin realized he had been focusing all day long only on Arthur`s side when in fact there was a girl most likely walking down this same school with the pressure of having to deal with this by herself to. She could kill him too as well. 

“Not sure. Some people said she might be the daughter of one of his father`s associates --I heard a girl in the bathroom saying that it was one of Arthur`s cousins.”

“I knew Pendragon wasn’t very bright but to get a girl pregnant?" Will shook his head. "His dad is going to kill him!” he said perhaps with a bit much of excitement.

“He'll hang him,” Merlin said before he noticed he had even spoken.

“Yeah --hang him, quarter him and then have a feast of his blood.”

“Good lord Elena I`m trying to eat here, would you ease down on the gore?”

“But just think about it. Uther almost killed Arthur the last time the school caught skipping for the day. Do you have any idea what he would do with this?” Neither Will nor Elena could of course. Neither Merlin but he had a pretty good idea of how terrible it was bound to be. The difference between him and them chattering about all the possible rumours was that he knew someone who could help him, who could help both of them.

“I have to go.” He jumped to his feet stealing an apple. He tried to hide the anxiety in his steps as he walked. He had two things to do now: find Arthur so he could convince him he hadn’t started the rumor and find his mother so he could convince her to the save the other's life. Merlin laughed because crying wasn't still an option as he rushed to become the saviour of his executioner.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Merlin thought if he were a rich bastard with more money than wits, where could he go to hide from the world?

The parking lot which he never frequented since the closest he had ever got to owning a car had been the time his cat had been run over by one when he had been four, was deserted. Without any other visible human figure around, Merlin was about to turn when a strange vibrating sensation reached him. He saw Arthur`s black vintage car by the farthest corner --a rumble from its close and tinted windows was now clearer. Merlin walked straight to that place breathing deeply, deciding that if he was bound to die by Arthur`s hand at least he had done it trying to be noble and without an empty stomach. Maybe Will would say that in his eullogy. Oh god, Merlin thought, he was leaving a world where the only viable speaker for his funeral had to be Will. He knocked on the driver seat's window and waited for any reaction within the inside --Merlin closed his eyes tightly as he waited. Perhaps Arthur wasn’t even inside in the first place (it wouldn't be the first time Merlin's instincts had failed him) and he had forgotten to turn down the music and engine before stepping out… and yes, that sounded very plausible. You are so clever Merlin, good for you.

“Arthur?” Maybe he should address him as “Mister Pendragon” and offer a bow. After all, the man had more status inside his left pocket than Merlin could dream of. And it might not be too awful to be polite to somebody who could hurt him. Great day he had chosen to start the path of the rightgeous man. “Pe-Pendragon?” he asked as fear escaped through his voice.

Almost a full minute passed before the window rolled down; inside Merlin saw the face of someone who didn’t want to be disturbed. He knew that face very well, his mum gave him one once a day. He might as well turn over and walk away from there (just to save some dignity) while he still had any short resemblance of balance in his legs. He heard the distinctive click from the other side of the car and sighed. Arthur didn’t say a word, he just pointed with his head to his left side as if Merlin was "really that thick" and rolled the window back up. Alright, Merlin thought, perhaps he just wants to drive me far away, off somewhere where the police can take longer to find my body.

Inside he realised, much to his consternation, that he was _inside_ Arthur Pendragon`s Car. Almost every girl and a quite an amount of boys dreamt of seeing the insides of such thing and only a lucky few had had the chance to be so lucky. Now he was one of _them._ If they could give him the chance to chose one last thing to smell in this world, he had no problem with that being Arthur`s orange freshener.

Also, the seats weren't all that bad either.

His eyes drifted across the controls --he didn't understand much but he thought they looked pretty nice too. Then he noticed Arthur looking at him as if he was expecting something. Right, Merlin coughed, up to business. Tell him why you are here, Merlin, a small voice in his head teased with a condescending tone and he nodded to himself.

“It wasn’t me” he blurted and Arthur raised an eyebrow, not looking precisely convinced. He didn't even look impressed with was also very annoying. Suddenly everything about Arthur was annoying. Why would he be convinced? It only made sense that Merlin would had taken advantage of such a juicy information to ruin his reputation and over all future life of his tormentor. If he considered it, he wouldn't have believed himself either if he had been in Arthur's place. “I know it doesn’t make much sense but I didn’t tell anyone about yesterday, not even my mum and I tell almost everything to her. Once I even told her when I got stuck in the public service of a pizza place and I had to get help from the cashier and that was something I promised I would take to the grave.” Merlin stopped talking when the air was all gone. Perhaps he had rambled a little bit in the middle of everything. And also at the start and end.

“Are you done?” Arthur asked.

“Sort of.”

“Get out then.” He opened the door on Merlin`s side. Was that all? A lousy half-blurted, half-rambled confession from his side and no acknowledgment in return?

“Well, no, no, no exactly!” he said before Arthur could push him to the outside. He started to shake his arms to stay inside; Arthur looked at him and waited for the rest with a fed-up expression. “Mum!” he exclaimed. Arthur frowned, looking more confused than when Merlin had received his last chemistry test a week ago --the quintessential look of “What the fuck?”

“I mean --he breathed again-- my mum can help you, both of you. She can get you help, a doctor, a place for you to live… I mean, it wouldn't be a mansion but it would have four walls, a door, and a roof. What more could you ask for in life?” he said with a nervous laugh. Arthur didn’t answer him back, so Merlin decided that that was his cue to leave the car for good.

He was making his way back the school when he felt a hand gripping his shoulder turning him around. Now came the punch he had been anticipating all day long --although he had been expecting it to happen all day long, the idea of this being Arthur's final resolution was oddly disappointing. He closed his eyes and pulled his head back, hoping the pain would not be too bad this time.

Then nothing happened. He picked through his eyelashes, no fist in uncoming direction. Yet he was still standing in front of Arthur with his eyes half-closed and completely scared.

“Do I really scare you that much?” Arthur asked but it his usual arrogant tone was lost. Merlin marveled at the fact that one small shift in his tone could have actually made him seem more human and less of a prat. But all shifts were always momentarily occasions.

“Not you. Just the fist that's attached to your arm and the arm that's attached to your shoulder. And maybe a little bit of the foot in your leg too.” He really needed to stop naming Arthur's body parts.

Arthur ignored him which worked fine for the two of them. “I was going to talk to you mother today but you can tell her yourself that I won’t need her help anymore.” The other started to walk away from Merlin`s side to the school`s main building.

“And if she asks me why?” Merlin knew his mother would never be content unless she had all the facts behind Arthur`s decision. And it would have been a lie if he had said he wasn't curious as well. Arthur looked back at him and stared directly into Merlin's eyes. They made Merlin feel smaller than a meaningless insect. Arthur spoke with a dead voice, “The baby is going up for adoption.”

Merlin was still processing the last word when the other went inside and disappeared from his sight. He wondered if Arthur perhaps rehearsed his dramatic entrances and exits when he felt bored at his place --he was drifting again from the topic.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Hunith seemed worried or at least, more worried than usual. Merlin had gone to the clinic to dispatch Arthur`s message and his mother`s reaction had been exactly the one he had predicted all the way there. She frowned severely and opened a file that could only belong to Arthur`s case.

“Who`s the mother?” Merlin asked breaking the silence in the small office. “I mean, the mum to be.”

“A girl.”

“I figured that part out before.”

“She doesn’t live here.”

Oh, so after all, the girl didn’t walk down the school`s corridors. He could stop thinking about how many times he had passed by her side before, he didn’t even know her. How could the two have met? Perhaps Elena`s rumor wasn’t too far off from the truth; perhaps one of Uther`s business partners had a beautiful daughter who had found Arthur handsome (so she had eyes, that was a good clue) --maybe it had been one of his own cousins, maybe the baby would be born with a tail or some genetic phenomenon. Maybe it would be an ugly baby. Merlin knew the news were already quite shocking for Uther but he would bet good money on the idea of the man having an aneurism if he knew one of his nieces carried his son`s child. It couldn’t be a cousin, Merlin said to himself, that was the stuff of cheesy soap operas and bad novellas. It didn't happen in real life, right? Everyone already knew Uther had a vast collection of associates all around the country; it had to make more sense that the Pendragon had a visit over a weekend and something mischievous and steamy had happened between two teenagers. Either that or Arthur was more depraved than he could imagine.

But then again, he didn't know the other. Maybe he was.

“I take by Arthur`s tone, that he didn’t want an adoption?” He knew he was being noisy but he couldn’t help himself. Ealdor was an almost dead town and nothing exciting ever happened except from the time they had all being scammed by their previous mayor Cornelius Sigan. His mother gave him the look she saved when he was being inappropriate with people but it wasn’t his fault, Arthur had made him the only link between him and his mother now. He was already in too deep the situation.

“He told me yesterday he thought the best solution was to search an abortion clinic near here,” Hunith finally sighed. She couldn’t call Arthur`s home herself because he hadn’t left any number for further contact and she wasn’t suicidal –not yet, at least- to go and knock the door of the Pendragon Manor asking for him. “But he feared she wouldn't agree to it. Apparently she didn’t.”

Abortions were something people did not talk too much about in Ealdor and even though, the procedure was technically legal in the country, the nearest clinic was in Nemeth after a three hour long drive. He thought that perhaps Arthur was advocating for an abortion because he didn’t want to face down the responsibilities of parenthood himself; that sentence screamed out loud “Arthur."

You don't even know him, a little voice whispered inside. Merlin shook his head, he was only trying to make sense of the mess life was.

“He told me he didn’t want her to go through this at this age because neither of them were ready to be parents," Hunith sighed again. "And he's right --I mean, I became a mother when I was thirty and I wasn’t entirely ready for it either.”

“Yes, and look how I turned out.”

“My point exactly” she said. Although they both laughed, she still had a point. And so did Arthur as well as the mysteryous girl. So what to do when everybody had a point? He wasn’t in any position to judge any decision. Somehow everything would turn out for the best; perhaps Uther might never find out about it at all.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The next day, Arthur didn’t show up to class and neither the next or the day after that. All of the sudden, it have been almost two weeks and no one had seen any hint of Arthur and obviously, the rumors started to fly. Some people said Uther had sent his son to America (some people even added his father had shipped him inside a box). Others said he had forced him to marry the mystery girl and now they where on their honeymoon. Other were more direct and simply said Uther had his son murdered and now he was buried either deep down the basement of their huge manor or in their massive garden. Of all the options presented, the last one seemed to be the most logical one.

He was at the library, doing his English homework when Will stormed inside waving excited at Merlin for him to join him outside. He just gave him the finger because he didn’t feel in the mood for fresh air and loud noises. Then he remembered that he wasn't suppose to offer such displays of friendly affection inside the library. Choosing between going to the principal`s office or going with Will to see something that probably wasn’t really that exciting, it came quite easy at the end. He collected his books and when he was closer to Will and farther from the librarian, Miss Catrina, he mouthed a “What” that of course, Will did not understand. He asked again and again until he got tired and simply yelled “What?"  

A collective “hush!” followed, actually making more noise than his own intromission. He peared through his sides Miss Catrina walking directly towards him, and he grabbed Will from the sleeve outside.

“He is back!” Will said almost jumping up and down like Elena usually did when she got a good grade or saw something funny or had remembered something that had happened to her or --Will looked very much like Elena period.

“Who is back? Voldemort? I think he has being back for a couple of years now, Will. Seriously read the fourth book till the end.” 

“Shut it Potter-head, I mean Draco is back.”

“Are you having a stroke?”

“Draco! Blonde, arrogant and with a creepy dad?”

“Arthur?”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Fuck you, Watson! How was I supposed to guess that?”

“Yeez, I don’t know, maybe from the fact that no one has talked about anything except Pendragon`s vanishing for two weeks? Ring a bell there?”

“You are telling me your exciting news is that someone who goes to our school is in our school? I think I might have to sit down for this one.”

“Yeah but when that person comes to our school with the mysterious mother of his unborn child, people tend to make a big fuzz about it.”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Meredith, Miranda, Melanie, Millie… something like that. The only few facts he could rescue from the sea of rumors that have surged over the last few days were (and here he was being sensible) _fucking obscure_. Nobody knew anything about her and nobody had ever met her before. The general consensus appeared to be that she was a) beautiful and b) pregnant. Will had added the first one, everyone else could testify for the second one. They had only seen her one time but the couple of minutes she had spend next to Arthur`s car while he stepped inside to talk to the school principal, Mr. Killgarrah, had been more than enough for the information to spread like wild fire. Merlin was actually surprised with the level of interest Will manifested about the topic but he soon realized Freya was truly invested in the relationship between Arthur and Miriam, Marie, Minerva. At least, there was still some order left in his world. He didn’t want to be upset with Will but the tone of sensationalism everything quickly received from the rest of the school made him feel slightly sick. They didn’t know the details behind their decisions and the only resource they had left was pure speculation. With every day that passed, a new vicious invention started to circulate passing through everybody`s mouth. It was like the mono-chrisis they had faced two years ago.

Some people said she had been thrown out of her own house and now was living with Arthur. Other people said Arthur had been the one evicted and now was staying with her. Merlin had no way to know the truth except to be bold enough to ask Arthur but that wasn't happening any time soom. And also, what right did he have to do so? Because his mother had tried –and failed- to provide assistance to him? Because he had known about it before anyone else? Because Arthur had actually confided him a detail of his ordeal? Perhaps the last one might be good enough to try and just offer a friendly hand. Yet that would imply there was some sort of confidentiality between them when in fact, Merlin was only close with Arthur`s hand (and only when it was in the of a fist). The mixture of his curiosity and his disapproval to everyone else`s curiosity made walking through public spaces a very peculiar activity. Everywhere where he and Will went, they could hear at least one couple talking about either Arthur, the baby or Maxine, Monique, Muriel. And he didn't know how to feel about it when he thought for a moment, I know more than you do. 

He told his mother about her arrival but there wasn’t much she could do about it either. Arthur left no contact information between him and the clinic and everyone still were unknown about Uther`s reaction on the subject. Merlin supposed that the fact that Arthur was still alive and breathing was enough to calm the waters for the moment.

But the waters were anything but calm at all times. Arthur seemed to be followed by a constant cloud of hushed and not so hushed whispers. Merlin felt sorry for him to be in the sort of spotlight nobody hoped to be.

After Arthur`s reappearance, he started to go back to his classes again. But it wasn’t as if he was actually there. Merlin assumed he had more things to be worried about now but he somehow missed the old Arthur. Good lord, he missed the Arthur that sauntered into every room as if he was the King because his smile said so --he missed the Arthur that was way too loud at lunch for his own sake, the Arthur that ran like a gazelle on the track field. This new Arthur sat in classes now like a shell of his old self (granted, a good looking shell) and never seemed to generate the same effect on people as it used to. He didn’t realise how or when it had actually happened but before he could do something about it, an entire month had passed since that afternoon at his mother`s work and two weeks since the first appearance of Minnie, Maxine, Mystique. And Merlin missed his bully.

What was his life now?

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was walking back home Monday afternoon, after school with an empty stomach and noisy entrails. Merlin had found a way to drop his lunch that day by accident when he was walking down behind Will and the other had suddenly halted to talk to Freya. His blue t-shirt now sported a very flattering orange stain for when the juice box had practically imploded in his belly and his feet carried the distinctive smell of questionable lasagna. He was tired, smelled like a shameful trash bin and starving --he probably looked like a zombified-version of his worst self. It seemed somehow fitting then, that when he reached the entrance Arthur would be waiting by the door. His cheeks flushed for no good reason except he might not be looking his very best.

Arthur raised one of his blonde eyebrows when he walked closer to him, after letting his eyes drift across his entire body. He probably looked more like a bad Picasso imitation than an actual human being. Merlin tried to not react to the raised eyebrow and the mocking expression --he was tired and not in the mood to pretend dignity.

“Arthur? What are you doing here?" he asked tired, "How did you get here?” Arthur distinctive black car was nowhere in sight. Probably a tactical decision since bringing a car like that one into this street was like bringing a blow-up doll to a men`s prison: everybody would only wish to get somehow inside, and probably all of them at the same time. And it would get messy.

“I used my legs. I found them quiet useful,” he retorted. Was he actually trying to be funny? At Merlin, as in sharing a joke with him? Was Arthur drunk? Was he drunk?

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to your mother actually.”

“Why didn’t you go to her work?”

“And have everyone to know I was there again? No, thank you.”

“What do you think people are going to think about that? That you got another girl pregnant?” Those words perhaps sounded better inside his head than out loud but when he was tired he got grumpy and when he got grumpy, his feeth tended to take permanent residence in his mouth. The world lost another shred of sense and logic when Arthur actually laughed. Merlin could have stared at his racous laughter for a while, but he really did stink --he opened the main door and looked back at him. “You want to come inside? It`s not very fancy and we gave all the servants a day off today, but it is something.”

“You know, I thought I may wait for her outside in the cold in fact.”

Merlin said and step inside, "be my guest." He was about to close the door when Arthur`s hand came in the way.

“Have you yet failed to grasp the concept of sarcasm?” he asked, opening back the door.

“I asked, you answered. Have you yet failed to grasp the concept of a conversation?”

Arthur's shoulders relaxed from their grip at the door. Merlin noticed how when he was at ease, he looked more normal, like just another regular boy and not someone too great for this land. “I`m sorry.”

Merlin creaked the door some more and Arthur stepped inside; He started to toss his things around the place, not caring where they landed. Everything seemed eeirly quiet, yet the usual peace he felt when he got to an empty house felt disturbed. Merlin turned around and saw Arthur seated in the couch, his hands between his legs looking at the stuffed walls. It was a massive display of both Merlin`s younger days and many, many other pictures that his mum hang because she thought they looked nice.

“It`s--” Arthur started to said, clearly dwelling on his future words. It reminded Merlin those times in class when Arthur took an extra moment to choose the most diplomatic answer. He was about ready to hear anything: small, weird, stinky, claustrophobic, crammed. “--cozy,” Arthur finished. Merlin shrugged and looked around himself. The walls in the few spaces they had empty were painted with a strange orange tone; the furniture was old and the T.V. had multiple small dog figurines on its top. As as whole, Merlin had always assumed, the place looked "peculiar" at its best. But he could also understand where Arthur's coziness could be coming from. A too small room that constantly smelled of freshly made tea --perhaps it broke some legal statute of having too many cliches of home-like-scenario into a single space. Will said that if grandmothers had to taste like something (and why did Will think of such things in the first place was indeed a mystery on its own), their flavour would be his living room smelled like.

“Tea?” he asked and Arthur nodded. They shared a quick touch when their fingers met as he passed him a fresh cup. Arthur was even more frozen that he had suspected. The other blew the inside of his cup, the heat rising from its inside making his cheeks flush. How frustrated Merlin felt as he saw Arthur's rosy cheeks seated in his living room like a normal human being? Very, very frustrated. Just hours before he had been entertaining the idea of which flowers his mum would choose for his funeral and now he was playing the good host with him. Merlin sat on the chair in front of him, feeling the heat of the cup in his hand as well. None of them spoke for some good two minutes. He started to kick the rug under his feet before he would do something worse like try to make small-talk with Arthur when he noticed the bits of pasta entangled between his laces. Right, now he remembered he was playing the good host while being  the human equivalent of a school`s lunch.

“I had to go and change.” He gestured at his entire body to clarify his point. “Just stay here. You could turn the T.V. on or have some more tea --maybe you could read or something like that.” Arthur looked severely unimpressed and Merlin could sense it as well; it was all painfully awkward and it had to end soon. And when he said soon he meant right now. So he went to change his clothes leaving Arthur Pendragon behind, all by himself in his living room holding a small cup of tea in his big hands. He changed as quickly as he could, and only debated about which clothes could convey an easy demenour and a "I don't care, this is my house" attitude. But since his wardrove was painfully limited to ordinary shirts and baggy jeans, he decided on his best pyjamas. Merlin strode down the stairs drilling his brain for a possible conversational topic, because he was bound to resort to small-talk sooner rather than later. What could they have in common that they could possible talk about? School seemed to be the most obvious choice; perhaps they could have a rousy discussion of their homeworks, because people did that now. That would surely ensure them a fun and dynamic discussion to pass the time. Merlin sighed still quite frustrated with the world. As per usual, it all came for him to wait for his mum to arrive and salvage everything.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“Tea?”

“Honestly Merlin, it's the sixth time you've offered me tea and I've already accepted three,” Arthur sighed. "I'm going to be more tea than human eventually."

“Well I don’t have biscuits for you." Merlin crossed his arms upset that his attempts at being a good host were not being recognised by Arthur. "I'm sure it'd be better if you were more tea than you," he mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Arthur sighed, “You don’t have to offer me anything.” They had been in the same position for almost an entire a hour, casually dropping some words about the weather (It might rain tomorrow -- Yes, it might), school (without the passionate discussion) and the weather again (I like when it rains -- Sure.) until they couldn't bring up the colours of the sky any more. So Merlin panicked and turned his efforts into making Arthur's belly explode with tea. A part of Merlin was glad Arthur didn’t accept his offer --he had ran out of tea almost twenty minutes ago. And he might have lied to him as well before; he did have some biscuits somewhere hidden deep inside a pantry but they weren't meant to be shared. But at least, when there had been tea they had the proper excuse of good silence as they focused on the drinking. Now came to the talking again.

Maybe it would not rain tomorrow after all, he thought.

“My mum has being worried about you.” Arthur looked at him with what Merlin assumed was genuine curiosity. It was a good look in Arthur`s face --his eyes almost shone from it making the blue seem clearer. It suited him.

“Has she?” he asked, leaning closer to the edge of the cushion of the couch. “I figured she wouldn't be so concern about it --especially how I ended everything so abruptly.”

Merlin shrugged. “She`s not the type to hold grudges to others. She says she keeps that special ability to her son only.” Arthur laughed. God, had he just made a joke to Arthur? And had Arthur responded like an actual person and laughed at it? Maybe it had been a refreshing laugh but that was besides the point. “I`m sure she'll help you.”

“I hope so,” he smiled. Arthur had never smiled at him before, but then again he had never laughed at his jokes either. Where was the world going? Then Arthur looked at him longer than he had done it too. He gripped the cup harder. Merlin wasn't prepared to start seeing Arthur like a human (and a vulnerable one) today. And he was looking at something dangerously similar at that moment. The cup might even break in his palm for it. To see the other seated in his couch on a regular Monday night with a cup of tea in his hands, staring back at him like a child in need of a hug, made Merlin feel-- well, it made him feel sick actually. His body wasn't prepare to such emotional reactions. He needed to break such a vulnerable display right now; his body wasn't bound to take all of this (whatever "this" was) in such short time. Merlin was ready to go and fetch those biscuits from their place to just stuff them right into Arthur's mouth. It would be a necessary action for which the other would probably kill for --but, wasn't that the natural order of things?

They both startled in their places at the sound of the door closing. His mother stepped inside, obviously surprised at the sight of Arthur in her living room. Welcome to my world, Merlin thought. “Arthur!”

“Misses Emrys,” Arthur greeted her standing up. Merlin stood as well and inmediately sit back. Arthur was the guest, not him; Arthur was the too diplomatic for his own good, not him. It only proved how different they were from one another.

“What can I do for you?” Hunith asked sitting down, not even offering a second glance at her son. Sparing the depressing sight of being the third wheel in their discussion at his own house, he started to make his way back to his own room --perhaps he could eat the biscuits by himself now.

“You don’t have to leave, Merlin,” Arthur interrupted him. He turned his heels around as Arthur had given him permission to stay at his own living room. What a kind soul he is indeed. He sat on the coach, making sure there was a considerable distance between the two. The silence seemed to show they were waiting for something, although what Merlin didn't know. Perhaps the time for Arthur to empty his heart and soul had finally arrived. “I thought about your offer and I discussed the issue with Mithian…”

“Mithian!” Merlin exclaimed. Two very different sets of equally confused eyes fell upon him. “Sorry,” he shrugged.

“ _Right..._ ,” Arthur said looking away from him. He felt his face burn and his cheeks flush for the second time in the afternoon. And all because of Arthur Pendragon, that was just unacceptable. “We are planning to go through with the adoption process but we will like your help with it.”

“Of course, Arthur. I could go over to your home tomorrow and discuss the issue with her, your father and Mithian`s father so we can start looking for a suitable couple eventually.” Hunith smiled gently at him, "I'll be there the whole way for the two of you."

“I`m afraid that won't be possible,” Arthur said. He looked visibly more uncomfortable than he had before, even more than when Merlin had asked him if he had felt a chill passing through the window. “My father had made it thoroughly clear that he has no desire to be a part of this and Mithian`s father doesn’t know." Arthur's shoulders fell from their usual imponent position. "We are on our own in this.”

“No, of course you are not,” Hunith said approaching Arthur`s side. She placed a gentle and soft hand on top of his, and they held each other for a brief second. Quickly Arthur looked away from her, his face covered with a faint almost invisible rose colour. His mother looked at him with the same smile. Merlin didn't know what he should do now. Should he hug Arthur, pat his hand too, or offer him more tea? When Arthur turned and they stared at each other, Merlin nodded. Arthur nodded back. It seemed they had all shared a very special, touching moment as if they were now together bonded by some sort of pact. Merlin had never been very good at reading the social clues of these occasions --he sneezed quite loudly as a response.


	3. My rollercoaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...) What is it about you that has commandeered my brain?  
> Maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way  
> You go straight to the top you're not scared of getting squashed  
> You know just when to jump off  
> You're so brave  
> And then you run to the right it seems there's no hope in sight  
> And you drop down to the tube that takes you right to level eight
> 
> 'cause I like going for hikes and riding bikes  
> And playing video games in the middle of the night  
> And I'll stay up late and I won't even care  
> That we're getting up early to go to the state fair  
> I'm gonna ride the biggest ride it'll be out of sight  
> Then I'll share an elephant ear with you if you'd like  
> Because we are alive so we've gotta live life  
> To the fullest you spin the bottle and I'll dim the lights (...)

The universe was a place full with mysteries. It had aliens, mythical creatures and Will's feet smell. But from all the enigmas the world presented, Merlin was facing the greatest of them all. By some strange turn of destiny, somehow Arthur had started to spend some of his free afternoons at his place --he sometimes ate with him and his mother, he did his homework seated in his table, and discussed possible adoption agencies with his while Merlin was still in the room. They had a shared space now and Merlin was clueless as to what to do with it. At school, nobody could tell such a private event was happening. Arthur never looked at him, never exchanged a word with him during or after class. Nobody was to tell that something had changed between them. After a while of trying to make sense of everything, Merlin assumed this would be the way things were meant to be from now on. Cold and indifferent during the day, an actual human being during the evening. They even took turns to do the dishes and offered each other the next cup of tea. Although Merlin hadn't reached the point were he would share his secret stash of biscuits that he kept on his room, he knew that if it things keept going as they did, it would only be a matter of time. His nearby future was tainted with the possible mental picture of share Sunday roast with Arthur. There were even smiles in that future, there was laughing and the comfort of his own place.

Merlin shivered at the prospect.

And then he thought of how did Arthur eat his breakfast. Just the thought of that made Merlin strangely confused too. Or, just more confused.

Arthur never mentioned Mithian; at least, not to him. All the words they seemed to exchang were “Tea?” and “Can I see your notes?” and some strange variations from these two. And then before Merlin even noticed, those words started to disappear from their interactions mutuating like their interactions as well. They merged into a series of gestures they could decode without the need of performing a single sound. He would stand up from his chair taking Arthur`s cup with him to raise it in front of his. If he wanted more he would nod, if not he didn’t. When they worked on their homeworks and Arthur needed help with something, he usually hit his pen against the surface of the table until Merlin looked up and handed him over his own work. That movement took them a while to get right --at first Merlin had just ignored Arthur until the other had given up and tossed his eraser at his head. And no, Merlin thought, Arthur had not trained him to react at his sounds like a dog. Sooner rather than later, Merlin had started to learn things he never thought he would know of the other. Now he knew Arthur drank his tea very dark with only one spoon of sugar; his favorite flavour was English Breakfast; he struggled more with geometry than Merlin did and surprisingly liked English more than any other subject. Now Merlin knew Arthur didn’t like aubergine but he ate it nonetheless, only with a small frown of despair in his face every time he took a bite; that Arthur washed the dishes with cold water even though it might be freezing, and that he actually carried a hand sanitizer in the left pocket of his trousers. It made them smell like coconut and lime, and Merlin always had a lingering sensation of it every time he carried Arthur's cup back into the kitchen. 

Of course, nobody else knew Merlin knew such things. His mother had made it perfectly clear that these were Arthur`s problems and they were not to be shared with the rest of the world as if they were a sensationalizing story for the papers. But Merlin didn't need a reminder for it; besides, it would be most likely that nobody would believe him in the first place. And althought sometimes he felt upset that there were so many new things in his life that he couldn't share with Will, he always ended bitting down his tongue. As if Will would believe him either. “Hey Will, remember Arthur fruit-cake ass Pendragon who beated the shit out of us over the last couple of years? Yes! Well, turns out that that same Arthur Pendragon is now practically staying at my place --has being staying for the last month. So that is why you can`t come to my place after school anymore.”

Yes, that would do, Merlin thought, that would do just fine.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“I went to see your mum yesterday” said Will. They were eating in the cafeteria and Will spoke with his mouth stuffed with a questionable slice of chocolate cake. He somehow managed to look quite serious even with the chocolate spot in his cheek --or at least, serious enough for the range of emotions Will usually used. “She asked me why I stopped going to your place and when I said it was because someone had told me someone's mother didn’t want me there anymore," Will gulped down, "Well, her look was priceless.”

Merlin swallowed hard his own lunch –-a bacon, cheese and jam sandwich he had made the night before while Arthur lurked close behind him, judging in silence his eating habits. Maybe that particular lie had not been the wisest choice. 

“Listen, if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, you could just tell me. I`ll get over you,” Will shrugged and looked away. Guilt cursed through Merlin's veins, he even felt slightly sick in his stomach. Perhaps the combination of flavors and ingredients in his mouth had not been as perfect as he had thought the day before. He didn't want this, to make Will believe something like that. He was his best and only friend; the only other person in school who knew and understood how it felt to live his same life. 

Merlin replaid, “It's not that.” Will shook his head from side to side, as if he knew Merlin was holding something back. Had his mother actually told him what was going on at his home? He knew that if he had to, he wouldn't even know where to start. He wanted to ask him what he knew, but the other said nothing. Merlin bit his tongue for the hundred time in the week. 

“Don’t bother.” Will finished his dessert and stood up. Merlin was left there alone with a sandwich half-eaten and one friend less. And in his case, one friend down meant no friends at all. He felt small and empty, his appetite surely gone. He tossed his lunch aside and groaned. When he looked up from his self-wallowing, the place packed with both students who munched their undesirable lunches and professors who ate with their quite undesirable mouths, his eyes locked with Arthur`s. He probably had witnessed the whole exchange between him and his best friend from his position --how could have Merlin not noticed him where he was? He had never bothered to check where the blonde lurked before, why would things had to be different now? Things at school, as far as everybody knew were just the same. Arthur was still Arthur Pendragon, and Merlin was still a nobody. He tried to decipher the other`s expression; he squinted his eyes and drilled his brain but his repertoire of Arthur's expressions and looks was vague at its best. He had nothing from it. Was he glad he had lost his only friend? Did he even know what had happened? Would he even care if he knew Merlin had lost his best friend partially because of him?

Arthur offered him a short smile before he looked away. Merlin was left even more perplexed than before. He didn’t know what Arthur thought more than half of the time, unless his thoughts were reproduced in the way of approbatory nods and taping of pens. If that was a smile, then he could say it was quite an idiotic one.

He stood up to toss his sandwich to the trash. When he ventured to see back again, the blonde was gone.

Good, Merlin thought as he left. if he was meant to be on his own, he was meant to be completely alone.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He had been in the library for the good time of an hour before a scent of coconut and lime reached his nostrils. He was trying to make the effort to waste his afternoon faking some genuine concern for the content of his book --he was failing expectaculary at doing so. He didn’t meet Will after lunch nor he ran to him through the halls. Now he had no actual interest into getting back home anyt time soon. Merlin realised how sad it was to be running away from his home but these were the sort of things Arthur Pendragon had turned his life into.

Merlin sighed and leaned closer to the pages. He had been friends with Will since he had had rational use of his brain cells, even though hanging out with Will technicaly constituted a form of constant endangerment of such cells. Merlin smiled at the fond memories, how could he ever change his best friend for somebody else? And yet somehow, he felt he had had. He had changec his best friend over keeping the secrecy of having Arthur at his home --they had always faced the other together, and now Merlin had allienated himself from his friend's sides because of the other.

For a moment he thought he was imagining things when he smelled the scent at first. Then the blonde sat across from him in the table. When Merlin looked, Arthur wasn’t looking back. He was actually reading a book Merlin recognised as an old copy of “And Then They Were None.” Merlin felt at lost at this. It would be all for the best if he just leave now, he didn’t feel in the mood to fake actual politeness towards the other. Maybe if he left early, he could actually enjoy some solitude moment at his own home before Arthur would eventually arrive.

He closed his book when the yellow note slipped in front of him. Merlin had not even noticed the arm movement coming from the front; he had to make a double take of it. When he picked the note, Merlin blinked more times than adviceable. Either he had just dropped the last shred of sense he got and had gone mental, or the handwritten words he could now recognised as Arthur's, actually did say “I talked to your friend.” If he had to choose an option, Merlin would have gone for the psychiatry ward in a second.

Arthur was still reading his book as if nothing had happened. Had something actually happened? Was something happening right now? Could it be that he was actually having a post-it conversation with Arthur Pendragon on the library? Had he fallen down a rabbit hole and woke up in a bad fanfiction world? Well, he had no intention to participate in this little game --he didn't feel like amusing Arthur's strange moods. Merlin leaned from his chair, closer to the middle of their shared table and whispered to Arthur`s direction. “Why?” The only response he got was Arthur placing his index finger in front of his lips. Merlin could have slap him right there at that second. Was he shushing him now? Merlin stared at that finger for more than it could be healthy. Yes, the bastard was. Well, that was very mature from his side, he thought as Arthur even had the nerve to actually change the page and kept on reading. He took the note and scribbled his message again (and he made sure to make his words look terrible and unreadable). He stamped on the other side and waited. Arthur said nothing as he looked above his book to the note. He told himself he was most certainly not staying there just because Arthur had told him to do it (which was technically true --in fact, Merlin could leave whenever he felt like it) Raising an eyebrow high enough for Arthur to feel the pressure of his expectation, he leaned back and stared.

The other didn’t write down anything else. He simply pointed at himself and whispered an almost inaudible “Sorry” (or so Merlin thought it was.) Arthur got up and disappeared through the library door without adding anything more substantial than that. If he had been confused before, he was out of anything now. How he hated the way Arthur had to perplex him like this. Normally in crappy literature, this sort of scenes ended up with a date, a kiss or at least, a form of resolution for the sexual tension. It never ended with person A disappearing and person B being left completely confused. He knew right away if this would be a book, it would be a very bad one.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

That night, Arthur brought Mithian for some quality supper time. They had been seated at their usual spots for a while before Merlin realided he hadn’t actually paid much notice to her general appearance. In fact, he hardly had even paid her any notice at all. Merlin had not seen anything about her since that fruitful day at school. Logic dictated that by this time, she would be more pregnant than before but the sight of her beauty took Merlin by more surprise than her puffed stomach. If only he could manage to look as charming as she did for one hour a day, so many things could be different for him. People would notice him for once.

His mother sat at the top of the small and simple table and made a very obvious gesture towards Merlin to bring the plates from the kitchen. He assumed that was his cue to leave, so she and Mithian could be left alone to discuss things wasn't meant to hear. Or so he thought. He had no problem with doing so --the less he knew about this whole thing, the less he would have to be forced to lie to Will, that was if he ever decided to talk to him again. He met Arthur inside the kitchen and closed the door. He didn't notice the gesture seemed extremely intimate until Arthur looked behind and saw the barred door behind him, raising an eyebrow.

"Girl talk," Merlin explained. The other just nodded. They had not talked the post-it incident, not since Arthur had arrived with Mithian. Merlin assumed this would be one of those situations were both parties acted as if nothing had happened in the first place.

Arthur was pouring down the soup his mother usually made when they had a visitor who either was in distress or the prices for something else were too high to afford something fancier. He stared at the security in which Arthur held the pot as the soup fell. He had never been a big fan of the soup, he always thought his mother used too much salt on it. Arthur didn’t pay him much notice as he carried with his task. Once he was done, he handed him over the first plate for him to carry outside. Merlin knew that if he stayed for too long just holding the plate, his hands would suffer from it in the proximate future, but a part of him told him he couldn't just leave like that. He had to have some form of acknowledgement from Arthur's side. He would have even felt glad if the other nodded at his direction. Merlin stayed there waiting, trying to ignore the sting in his hands that grew and grew. Arthur turned over from his place and saw him there. Whatever Merlin`s subconscious had been planning to say when it happened, it left him. Merlin still didn't know all of Arthur's expressions, but this one was clearly one of distress. He looked small and younger than ever before, as if he didn't know what to do with himself. Merlin knew that look well. He also knew he had to do something, try to comfort him. He felt the need to give him a simple hug which was quite new. But it was because Arthur was a guest in his home and he had to be a good host. He had to --or so he thought that was how things worked in the real world. Acquaintances hugged in the real world when one of them was in need of one.

“Do you like asparagus?” he asked.

Arthur rolled his eyes and turned around one more time to pick up the three remaining plates with his bare hands (because he was an over-achiever like that.) They made their way to the table in silence, Merlin trying to forget Arthur's eyes from before. Walking down the hallway, he saw Arthur trying to balance the three plates than two arms; he looked shaky and absolutely focused in his task. Whatever had been what had happened in the kitchen, it seemed to be forgotten from Arthur's mind. Then the other leaned closer to Merlin's ear as they reached the entrance to the dinning room. Way too close. “Bit salty, isn’t?” Arthur whispered. Merlin turned right for a second before Arthur entered the room as if nothing had been said. He delivered the only plate he had and sat at his chair. Arthur did the same and sat next to Mithian. The second he saw them seating side by side, Merlin thought they actually did make a rather nice couple to the eye. He looked down and ate his plate quiet --somehow the soup found a way to taste slightly worse than usual.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

They were only three at the table as Arthur had left for a trip to the lavatory. The soup had been just as Arthur had predicted, a little bit salty indeed. If Arthur had noticed it as well, he had given no indication from it. Dinner had gone quite smoothly, his mother making appropriate remarks when the times were appropriated; Merlin had filled his mouth at the risk of getting hypertension from it and hardly said more than three words. Arthur had said none. He didn’t pay much attention to the conversation because it had nothing to with him; they were most likely discussing possible families to adopt the baby, something completely out of Merlin's interest. Somehow the bottom of his plate had seemed to be far more interesting than any of what they might say. Two times he had caught Arthur looking at his direction and as he always did, he didn't know what the other could be possibly trying to say, if he wanted to say somethng at all. Maybe Arthur just looked around the place like normal people did and Merlin was trying too hard to read in between the lines. He of course, wondered why had Arthur looked so distressed before. Of course he had the pressure of being a future father planning to give away his future child, but why had it come so sudden and out of the blue? And why had Arthur let Merlin see him like that as well?

He excused himself from the room, stating there was something important he had forgotten to do for the next day. Long exposure to also long conversations made him feel slightly uncomfortable in his own skin --slightly. He preferred the solitude of his own room before remaining there quiet and stiff. He didn’t necessarily say Mithian goodbye, they had exchanged about five words in total, and she had not made any effort to acknowledge him during the evening. At least she had something in common with Arthur. And no, explaining her how the sink worked did not counted as a form of conversation.

Merlin had had every intention to crash unto his bed and never move from its spot ever again. He relished at the thought of eternal slumber, but he froze as he stepped inside and found Arthur peering through his crammed walls, examining his posters. With a forensic eye, he was staring at his Velvet Underground one before he noticed Merlin in the doorway. Merlin had to be sleepier than usual because Arthur Pendragon was blushing ashamed in front of him inside his room. From the two times it had happened, Merlin still thought Arthur managed to look more human with his cheeks bright red than his normal self did. His days were starting to account for too many shocks per day now.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude,” Arthur said still slightly red taking a step farther away from the walls.

“It`s alright” Merlin said. “You like them?” He pointed at the yellow banana that stood out from the mess of his wall.

“Never heard them.” Merlin didn’t know what he could be expecting from him. He had no clue what sort of music Arthur liked. Knew next to nothing about anything close to personal tastes. He still remembered the Agatha Christie book from before in the library but that was about it. “But I do like these,” he pointed behind Merlin to his Moldy Peaches` one.

“You do?” he asked, genuinely surprised.

Arthur started to fumble with the hem of his shirt as he spoke. He looked embarrassed. “Well, I was passing by from the bathroom last week and I saw it from afar. And then I went back to my house, and ended up downloading all of their songs.” He walked towards Merlin and passed his side to stand closer to it. He had always felt that the black and white drawing looked off placed in his room but he have never quite grasped what coudl be wrong with it. When he looked the way Arthur stared at it, he forgot about any off putting position. The man was smiling for himself as he remembered the lyrics of a song Merlin couldn’t identify. It didn’t matter because Arthur, the man with the crappy personality, actually had a not-so-crappy smile and not-so-crappy musical taste too. “What?” Arthur asked once he noticed Merlin looking at him.

“I thought Pendragon manor only allowed Beethoven and Bach twenty-four seven.”

“Oh yes, but we switch to Mozart when the Queen comes by for tea in the afternoon.” Merlin most have probably been staring at Arthur with his eyes almost completely wide open, because he looked utterly confused. “What?” he asked.

“Well-- Merlin said as if it was obvious (and it felt like very obvious to him at least)-- you just made a joke.” 

“Yes, well --I am capable of expressing humor from time to time.”

Arthur was now smiling at him. “I know that but --it`s kind of a shock because I have only met Arthur “I will punch in the face” Pendragon, no Arthur “I make monarchy related jokes” Pendragon.” Arthur dropped his smile as soon as Merlin was done talking. Merlin still struggled with the idea of reconciling this new peaceful Arthur with every other past interactions, and since Arthur never even made an attempt to breach the subject, it was destined for Merlin to stumble something about it at some point. It was also destined that it would be quite ungracefully while doing so.

“I should probably leave now.”

Merlin nodded. What else could they do now? Right before Arthur left through the hallway, Merlin saw Will`s guitar laying abandoned on a corner. “Wait, Arthur,” he called. “What did you tell Will today?”

He had to know, and there was no point in tip-tooeing around the subject any more. They were bound to have nothing but monosyllabic interactions and awkward half-assed conversations. 

“Nothing important,” he shrugged his shoulders backing up a few paces.

“You said you told him about yourself. Did you tell him about--, Merlin stumbled for the right words, --tell him about this?”

“This?” Arthur asked looking around Merlin`s room.

He groaned suddenly with a greater need to fall down his bed at once. Arthur always had to make everything more difficult than necessary; it seemed to be something that was a part of his nature. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him you didn’t want him to come to your home anymore--”

“WHAT?”

"--because you are my English tutor” he added. Merlin opened and closed his mouth several times. His mind was blank as he stood there gaping at Arthur. It wasn't now that he knew the Arthur “I make jokes” Pendragon, now there was the Arthur “I lied to your best friend” Pendragon. And Arthur Pendragon that had basically admitted a weakness to a stranger just to save Merlin's friendship. He was still there speechless when Arthur took his cue and exited the room without adding another word.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“Uther didn’t kick Arthur out, right?” he asked the next morning while her mother made breakfast. She was singing quietly inside the kitchen. He had spend quite a troublesome night thinking about the past few days. So many things had changed so suddenly --he couldn’t find a reliable explanation to any of them. A month ago, Arthur had been your common straightforward bully who thought he was better than the rest. Now he was a perpetual fixture in the Emrys residence; now they had a shared routine between them. Hunith walked to the table, handing him over a plate with scrambled eggs and toast. She sat at her usual and drank her cup of coffee. She looked serious and Merlin thought that perhaps this wasn’t any of his business to know. After all, the line between where he stood in the whole chaos of Arthur's life had to be drawn at some point.

“No, he didn’t it. Not even Uther Pendragon is heartless enough to do something like that.”

“But he is not helping Arthur with this either, isn’t he?”

“He told Arthur he had nothing to do here and that it was his responsibility to clean his own mess,” she said visibly upset at the harshness of such words. Merlin agreed, they sounded foreign coming from a parent's mouth. “What sort of parent would leave his only son alone to face something so significant in his life?”

“So if I gotten a girl pregnant, you'd help me?”

“Of course!” she said. “I'll also ground you until the second coming of Christ but I'd help you." She put her cup down and stared hard at him. "You're not getting any ideas for the future, are you?”

Merlin bit down his tongue. Yes, because the possibility of him getting a girl pregnant could ever be real. Biology and evolution hadn’t gone as far to overthrow such a barrier for him yet. “Did Mithian`s father kicked her out? Because _that_ would be cold.”

“Her father was obviously not very pleased with the news but apparently he calmed down once he knew they were going to give the baby for adoption.” She finished her cup while Merlin`s eggs remained untouched. “She's staying with Arthur until the baby borns with a private tutor and such.”

Merlin tried to bite his tongue again, but it had been bothering him all night along. “So if Mithian is all day long there, why is Arthur here almost every day?”

“It`s not my business to go around gossiping like a bored housewife, Merlin.”

“But since you already gave almost everything, another word wouldn't hurt you--”

His mother sighed. “Apparently neither of them have much to talk or discuss to the other. Arthur doesn’t feel comfortable around his home with her and she doesn’t feel comfortable as well when he is around.” His mum went back to the kitchen to leave her cup in the sink. Merlin started his breakfast quietly but his mind was not in it. How could it be when more questions had arisen now? Not comfortable at his own home but certainly very at ease at Merlin's place. If he could find a way to understand Arthur's train of thought, his life would be considerably easier. He yawned stuffing his mouth with eggs --it was still too early to start searching answers for life's problems. He yawned again as he finished his breakfast.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Merlin laid on the floor of his room, knowing Arthur was downstairs watching something on his telly. He was refusing to go downstairs and greet the man as normal people did. Because they were not normal, Merlin thought. Normal people actually discussed what was happening in their lives. Although he suspected he might be behaving slightly childish, it did not matter. He wasn’t going downstairs, not on this lifetime.

His fingers caressed his burned copy of The Moldy Peaches, doing his very best to not let his eyes drift towards the poster. As expected, he was failing. He didn’t want to admit it but every time his eyes focused on the black and white picture, the memory of Arthur`s smile seemed to drop by unannounced and take longer and longer residence in his brain. Was that even legal? Merlin asked himself. Was he allowed to actually feel sorry for the man that had tortured him over the past years? It didn't sound like a normal reaction. But then again, was it even pitty what he felt for the other at the moment?

It had taken Will two days to forget his grudge against Merlin, but eventually he had returned to sit by his side in class and eat next to him at lunch hours. And Merlin had not thanked Arthur about it either. Although neither of them mentioned it, Merlin knew Will didn’t approve of him being Arthur`s tutor. He knew Will was thinking Arthur didn’t deserve his help, or not even his attention. Merlin decided that from all the lies in the world, this one such a terrible one. And since Arthur was as good at English as Merlin was, he actually didn’t do anything for Arthur except offer him to refill his cup. It had been his mother the angel of good grace that had descended to help Arthur in his hour of need. Right under where he laid, Arthur laughed with the rare, unabashed laugh had not even known it existed until just few weeks ago. Merlin decided that Arthur's free joy was the best excuse to close his eyes and drown himself in self-wallowing. Would it be too terrible if he asked for things to come back to the way they used to be? Or at least, for somebody to offer him to give some sort of rational explanation about everything that was happening. Preferently in the shape of manual that he could easily read.

He didn’t notice he had fallen asleep right thereon the floor until he felt something mild shaking his shoulder. Still half asleep, he opened his eyes. Arthur was crouched in front of him, looking at the spectacle he probably looked like with his face all splattered against the carpet. He was about seventy percent certain he had asked for the time. But Arthur frowned and said nothing. He was looking at him, dropped on the floor as if Merlin was the one to deserve some pity from his side. “What?” he asked upset.

“Nothing” Arthur answered. Then the blonde noticed his hand still gripping the CD and his face turned into a lighter shade of pink. “Is that yours?”

Merlin blinked probably more times than it was healthy. He was after all, still some portion of his brain asleep on the floor. This right now was the sort of things that had made him fall down on top of the carpet before. The sight of Arthur in his bedroom with the intention to discuss music felt nothing but unnatural. His life felt nothing but unnatural. He seated back up --he would probably make a more dignified version of himself like this than being splattered. “Look Arthur,” he said rubbing his eyes to wake up entirely. "Just because you think this is your new home, it doesn’t mean you can actually treat it like your own home.”

“What?”

“You can't just walk inside my room whenever you feel like it,” Merlin said hoping he was making more sense than he suspected.

“I`m sorry," Arthur replied. "I just came to see if you were hungry.” He stood up and gave Merlin a full picture of his full size. It reminded him of all those other times were he had had the fortune to see Arthur from beneath his feet. Merlin stood up himself althought a little bit shaky still.

“That`s what I mean," Merlin said. "This is my home! It should be my job to offer you food, not the other way around!”

“I`m just trying to be polite --that`s all!” he almost shouted. Merlin hoped his mother would stay at work longer than usual. Her heart would probably break if she knew they were both fighting like children.

“Well... just stop being polite then! It's not right and it's not the way things should go!”

“What are you talking about? How do you know things should go a certain way?”

“Because!" Merlin said. He was breathing faster than normal, feeling his head beat verging on a headached as his voice kept on raising. "Because I know you are Arthur Pendragon --you're arrogant, self-centered and constantly threatening to punch me in the face. You need to be the bully you had always been. That's how things should be, not like this.”

He pointed at Arthur who inmediately crossed his arms. “Is that what you think of me?” he asked.

“It's not as if you've been trying very hard to change my mind,” he sighed. Although Arthur had not even moved in a way that Merlin could labell as worrying for either him or Will, he had to decide what was more important in the over-all picture: his past month's behaviour or the one from the past years?

“I`m sorry I treated you bad before.”

“Yes, I could see the look of distress in your face when you kicked Will in the stomach, I feel very bad for you”. Merlin looked away from Arthur, he didn't want to know what sort of new human expression the other had now. He wanted to slap any look of despair from his face --and he would have done it if it had not been for his mother materializing at the door.

“What are you two doing?” she asked. The innocence of her tone played a sharp contrast against the tension between them.

“I`m sorry, Misses Emrys. I have to leave,” Arthur replaid without looking at Merlin either.

“Is it everything alright?” she asked but Arthur didn’t answer. As Merlin stood in his same position, he heard underneath them the distinctive sound of a door closing down. “What happened?”

“Arthur got a girl pregnant and came to you for help, that`s what happened,” he snapped. He closed his own door without adding anything else; he left his mother outside probably even more confused than before. Merlin went straight to bed where he dreamt of sad and blue puppy eyes intertwined with bloody fists and racous laughter.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

After that, Arthur stopped appearing at Merlin`s place during the afternoons. He ignored Merlin even more than he normally did at school (which was a prowes on its own) and stopped answering to Hunith`s calls. Merlin thought that at last, the routine he missed so much was finally returning into his life. Slow and steady, it was all coming back into their natural order. Will started to come back and spend the nights at his place --dinners were now just between him and his mother. Things were okay. He didn’t have to worry anymore about an intrusive figure lurking in his living room, or about somebody else using the bathroom when he was on the first floor. He did his homework quietly seated at the table. He relished at the quiet and lack of constant interruptions from a pencil hitting a corner to call for his attention like a dog. The T.V. remained silent too, as it normally did when Merlin was alone. The house had started to embrace Earl Grey back again after its unofficial vanishing in favour of English Breakfast. Life was its usual self once again, Merlin repeated.

His wish had been granted.

So then, why did everything feel so strange all the time? At first, he blamed on the tea thinking that the other boring choice had made his palate turned more ordinary. That perhaps it wasn't entirely ready to accept back the flavour even though it used to be his favourite one. He tried turning the T.V. on while he read but the noise only disturbed him --which it had not done as often when somebody else watched a show as Merlin read his book. Dinners were suddenly too quiet, even too intimate at times. The house seemed too empty for its own sake, too large just for the two of them which was insane because it had always been too tight. Merlin didn’t even notice it but he started to wash the dishes with cold water at night regardless of the cold.

After two weeks of this endless sensation of stagnation, somebody knowcked their door. Merlin tried not to startle too much at what seemed to be such a vicious noise. He didn't allow himself any moment to hope for something he couldn't phrase before he went to open it. If he had expected blonde hair, he wouldn’t say it. Mithian with her dark mane stood instead. “Mithian dear, come inside. It`s freezing out there” his mother said behind him as she saw her. “Merlin good lord, let her get inside quickly.”

She smiled at him when he moved aside without saying a word. She when to seat on the couch next to her mother. The shy five-month belly was covered in a white furry coat that she kept on. Merlin assumed she wasn’t planning on staying over for dinner. He looked outside the window for a flash before leaving the threshold alone --he might have searched for a black vintage car parked nearby but with nothing to be seen, he didn't let the thought form at all.  “Merlin, tea please” his mother spoke which he quickly complied. He had to get away from the windows.

Even though he would never admit it, the idea of having to serve tea for a visit again brought him a faint scent of coconut and lime back into his mind. 

“I thought these are the sort of news that are best to be delivered in person and not by the phone.” Mithian's voice was determined as drank her Earl Grey. Merlin sat in front of them with a book in hand, trying to not look as if he was remotely interested in their conversation. “But Arthur and I finally decided on a couple for the baby.”

Merlin didn’t know at which point the letters written in front of him stopped making sense. for his brain. He didn’t take off his eyes from the page anyway. Arthur`s baby had a new family now. Those had to be good, if not great news. Yet he didn’t know how to feel or how to react towards it --he kept on reading, or at least pretending to do so.

“That`s marvelous,” his mother rejoiced. Merlin could hear it was genuine. “Who are they?”

“We haven’t met them yet but they don’t live here actually. We wanted a couple who didn’t live either at Ealdor or Nemeth --they're actually from Acestir. Lovely couple, a tremendous house for what we could see from the files but we do need to meet them in person before making any official decision.”

“Of course, of course,” his mother said holding Mithian`s hand. Merlin knew she always felt so happy when the people she helped managed to resolve their problems somehow. It made all her efforts and hard work worthed at the end.

“The thing is... Arthur and I decided we wanted you to come with us to Acestir to meet them for the first time.” Merlin`s book seemed even more interesting than it had been five seconds before. He most certainly wasn’t listening any of this. “If you would like to,” Mithian asked..

“Of course darling! You know I'll help the two of you on everything you need me for during this,” Hunith answered. And that was Merlin`s cue to exit the room.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The next day, Merlin walked into class like he had on any other day. He sat next to Will, listened to half the Spanish lesson with Mr. Alator –who probably only knew Spanish by what he ate of Mexican food- and went to eat his lunch without any fuss. Everything was nice and easy. People talked around the halls and talked inside the classrooms; people ran around the track field and people sat on the grass outside. People ate besides their lockers and people read inside the library. Normal day it was, indeed. So it was perfectly excusable for Merlin to have a mild heart attack at the sight of Arthur standing in front of Merlin`s locker. He sighed, he still had had one last class left before the “oh-so-normal day” would be officialy over.

He walked straight to his locker staring bravely at the floor and not at the other`s face. They hadn’t seen each other in almost two weeks after their fight. Merlin wasn’t sure if it was right for him to actually missed him at his home. But since he didn’t, there was nothing to discuss.

Arthur stood there differently from the last time he had been by Merlin`s locker. His posture wasn't of a person who owned the place. During the brief second Merlin used to see him, Arthur had looked almost like any other classmate. Merlin considered for a moment to turn around without saying a word to him, then he quickly remembered he still had English class and had forgotten his book in there. He breathed deeply and marched forward till the scent of coconut and lime was within. Neither of them said a word as Merlin opened his locker. Arthur shifted to his left to let Merlin open it quiet. He quickly found the book and closed the door without taking his eyes from the front. And yet for some reason, his body decided to remain there as if it could be waiting for something else to happen. But when Merlin quickly saw, Arthur wasn’t even looking at his direction. Right, Merlin thought, if he wasn’t there to talk then no talk would be.

“Mithian went there yesterday, didn’t she?” finally Arthur asked after what Merlin thought had been a never ending minute of silence. Merlin just nodded. “She told your mother we wanted her help to see the couple, right?” Merlin nodded again. “And she said yes--”

“Yes, Arthur!" he snapped. "I was there so I don’t need the recap from you,” he said finally looking at him. It was frustrating that even though Arthur was the one breaching the conversation, he couldn't even look at him himself. “She also said yes and Mithian staid for a second cup of tea. Then she left and my mum kept on working on her scrapbook. Then I went to bed. Then in the morning, I woke up and my day managed to do quite normally until you decided to appear here.”

Arthur said, “I`m sorry, I didn’t know you found my presence so unbearable."

Merlin groaned feeling he might pull a chunk of his hair. “Really, Arthur?” he asked. “You really want to do this? Do you want to play the victim game here?” It seemed that Arthur finally found courage enough to rotate his head a few inches towards Merlin`s face. “I`m sorry I yelled at you, I`m sorry you don`t want to go to your own home, I`m sorry that you feel the need to punch me in the face when you can control your anger, I`m sorry that you don’t have any real friends at this moment and you are forced to share your precious time with me. I`m really sorry for you Arthur. But I'm also tired.”

“I`m sorry,” Arthur whispered after a silent moment. Merlin was breathing slightly out of pace and his hand was clutching tightly upon his book. He thought he had been fine all this time, thinking the return of his routine would leave everything right --that he would forget anything remotely related to Arthur Pendragon. But he had been obviously mistaken. “I shouldn’t be here” Arthur said and left.

“Wait, Arthur”. He ran after him until he reached and stopped him. As he held him by the shoulder, Arthur turned around and stood in front of him with the same expression of distress he had shown him before. “Why did you come to talk now?”

Arthur seemed to ponder whether it was wise for him to speak this time. “Friday afternoon, we are going to Acestir and-- and I thought you might want to join your mother," Arthur snickered. "I see now that that`s not even worth asking.” He freed himself from Merlin`s not-so-strong grip and he turned around a corner, left.

So now it was Wednesday in the afternoon and the possibility of a Friday road trip with Arthur Pendragon sat on his horizon.

And Merlin was genuinly considering it.

“Normal day, my fruit-caked ass,” Merlin thought.


	4. Tree Hugger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...) And the rattlesnake said  
> "I wish I had hands so  
> I could hug you like a man"  
> And then the cactus said  
> "Don't you understand  
> My skin is covered with sharp spikes  
> That'll stab you like a thousand knives.  
> A hug would be nice  
> But hug my flower with your eyes"
> 
> And the flower  
> Would be its offering  
> Of love to the desert  
> And the desert  
> So dry and lonely  
> That the creatures all  
> Appreciate the effort (...)

The only reason why Merlin was inside that car was his mother, she had made him do it and nothing more. There were no other further implications behind it, no blonde-heads in school corridors, no sense of guilt logged right in his stomack. If he thought about it, it was quite explainable. He was doing but performing his duty as a son towards his own mother. Merlin thought that if he kept repeating himself those words for the rest of the trip, he would be back home before noticing he had even been gone in the first place. Although Merlin insisted on this, he knew his mother had never had the intention to make him come with her to Acestir. In fact, Hunith had been counting on Merlin to spend the weekend at Will`s while she was away; she had never thought her son would have any interest in the matter. So of course, when he had arrived from school on Wednesday and said with the confidance of somebody who could not hold any sort of doubt, that he would do the right thing and join her during the weekend, she had said nothing. It seemed obvious to her that her son wasn’t telling her everything behind his decision. She simply nodded pretending she was the one taking the harsh decision. Yes Merlin, you must come with me. And so, he had complied as if he actually wasn’t very keen in doing so.

Mother and son waited standing next to Arthur's car outside Pendragon Manor. Merlin hoped his slightly insistence before that his mother should be the one taking the co-pilot`s sit had gone unnoticed. He most definitely wasn’t in the mood to spend a two hour drive sitting next to Arthur --he was there, he repeated, just to accompany his mother and meet the happy couple. Maybe even take a couple of photos in the process; after all, he had never gone to Acestir before. And perhaps and only if there was enough time, he might exchange some polite yet short words with Arthur and Mithian. That what was it, that was the plan. Merlin had made sure to leave everything short and simple.

He ended right behind Arthur`s with the impending possibility of staring at him through the rearview mirror. The prospect of enjoying this road trip decreased as the seconds went by.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

If he had been more skillful or perhaps had better concentrational abilities, he would have spend the minutes calculating the distance between the car and their destination. Just to do something. But since he didn’t posses the gift of sight (complemented with an odometer), he was forced to pay at least some shred of attention to the talk that was happening around him. Mithian seemed excited, talking to his mother about how nervous she was and how she had almost forgotten to take her vitamins this morning over her anxiety. Merlin`s mother reminded her how important it was for her to take care of her health and all the appropiate remarks. Suddenly, Merlin had the shivering realization that Mithian was actually an enjoyable person. That she was actually pleasant to be with. He had put her into such a little account about her persona that to realize she had a pleasant voice and smelled liked roses came as sort of shock. She didn’t speak out of turn and when she said something, her voice came melodious --it even felt like elevator music only less obnoxious. And besides, it was clear his mother was just as glad that she had some other woman to talk to. They had always been just the two of them (and Will on sporadic occasions) that Merlin couldn't bring himself to feel mad that she was so happy to find a new voice. He smiled right before he caught Arthur`s eyes upon him through the rearview mirror. He felt the urge to save his smile deep inside from now on.

“Merlin?” Mithian asked him. He had been looking through the window, absolutely not paying any attention to the mirror in front of him. The landscape was indeed quite nice to look at. “Would you like to see the photo they send us?” She handed him over a small picture without waiting for his answer. He received and smiled at her. Turning around, Merlin locked eyes with the pair in the mirror for only a second before he focused unto the small photo in his hands. Their names were Morgause and Morgana LeFay and they seemed perfect even in black and white.

“She is a neurosurgeon,” Mithian supplied while pointing to the taller one of fairer hair who Merlin later knew was Morgause. “And she's an illustrator for children`s books.” She pointed at the second one. Merlin stared at the small photo, thinking this picture was the only bond Mithian had to the future parents of her baby; it seemed like a too fragile aspect to grapple at. A connection too easy to break, but with her situation it was the only thing she could have now. Besides, it was quite difficult to not end up staring at the  a striking beauty of the two women. Morgause seemed serious and slightly intimidating as if she was keeping a secret only she could tell while Morgana had a piercing glare that combined a perfect mixture of authority and sweetness. Or so Merlin could guess, even when he knew he wasn't the best at first impressions.

“They seemed nice,” he said --he didn’t have the vocal ability to do it to further elaborate in the topic. It wasn't his place to pass judgement. Mithian didn’t seem to notice; she smiled at him and took back the photo on her hands. He acted as if he didn’t see it but from time to time, he could notice how one of her fingers caressed the picture with a look of fondness.

“Isn`t this terrible silent?” asked Hunith and Merlin rolled his eyes. Give to his mother the job to break down long periods of silence. “Arthur, would you play some music?” she asked.

“I`m sorry, I don’t think I packed any music here” Arthur answered looking at her with apologetic eyes that made Merlin reminicent of anything. Hunith, never one to back from a challenge, started to gaze through Arthur`s scattered belongings. Her shifty movements stopped when she noticed the inside of the stereo. “Oh, but look. I think there's a CD still inside.” Before Arthur could react, she hit the play button. Merlin`s frail heart stopped. The insides of the car were soon filled with words he knew too well for his own sake: “ _And the rattlesnake said I wish I had hands so I could hug you like a man and the cactus said Don’t you understand, my skin is covered with sharp spikes that`ll stab you like a thousand knives. A hug would be nice but hug my flower with your eyes..._ ”

Merlin searched Arthur`s eyes in the mirror, not sure what would he be looking for. All he could see was Arthur's face slowly covering itself with timid redness. He wanted to snort at the strange spectacle that an abashed Arthur made, but he kept himself composed.

“Oh… I think I know this song,” Hunith said because the world wasn't such a terrible place yet.

Mithian smiled. “It`s Arthur`s new favorite band.”  She sounded fond yet exasperated, like Will sounded every time Merlin discovered a new band and made him listen to it with him non-stop for the good part of a whole day. Could he really be that surprised? Arthur had already told him about his newly found fascination with The Moldy Peaches. Perhaps he had just expected Arthur to forget it once he had stopped coming over --as if everything that he had discovered during that period would have disappeared into thin air. Apparently, he had been mistaken.

“It`s a good band,” Merlin agreed looking towards the window again. A final brief flash showed him Arthur's reflection as he nodded to his statement. At least the road trip would promis a decent soundtrack.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Every home that Merlin saw convinced him there was no way the next one could top it in size or luxury. And yet, every time the car kept on going the next home found its way to prove him wrong. This would be the place Arthur`s baby was meant to live in. Why couldn’t him had been adopted into this world of unnecessary showcase of real-state luxury? Of course he didn’t mean it (at least, eighty percent of him didn't mean it), he absolutely adored his mother (eighty percent of him did it right now). But still, when the last house at the end of street prove itself to be the most grandiose palace he had ever seen (at least since the first time he had stared at Pendragon Manor when he had been five), he couldn’t say he wasn't feeling slightly (a tiny tiny bit) jealous for an actual inborn creature. Living in a place like this with three floors that made Merlin`s home as well as the house of his neighbors combined into one single thing, would be the closest the baby would ever to feel the same that his real father had felt growing up. He smiled at he unnecessary large place. Perhaps Arthur and Mithian had decided upon Morgause and Morgana for this detail alone -- or perhaps Merlin was imagining details once again.

None of them moved from their spots as they exited the car. Merlin was too focused staring open mouthed at the crystal door (which had to be in some sense unpractical because houses could not be like this) and the perfectly mowed grass of the brightest green to actually acknowledge Arthur standing too by his side. He hadn’t said a word since Hunith had played his CD and considering the longevity of the ride, they had had enough time to say at least a single word. They had heard all ten songs three times --that could have been the perfect ice breaker between them. “Tree hugger” had been about to start for a fourth time when he had parked. Merlin had been too worried gaping at the sight to notice how Arthur had looked outside the street and then to Merlin. When Merlin did notice, Arthur seemed startstruck too. He thought it was probably a little bit too much for a single couple too. But then again, it was only him and his father staying at the Manor with its thirty rooms and thirty-five bathrooms (he guessed the numbers but he knew they were around that area). Merlin thought perhaps Arthur could remember with fondness their home in comparison --he might think about their two floors and only two bedrooms, their living room that functioned as a shared dining room, library, office and their small kitchen and that bathroom that only God knew how to make work on the first try. Merlin thought Arthur's inner monologue would then correct himself and say: God and Merlin.

It was a nice inner monologue.

“Right,” Arthur spoke. Merlin thought he was trying to convey some sense of excitement or anticipation in his voice. He saw him walking to the trunk and started to take out their bags --he saw picking his own and thought he must be imagining things when he noticed that for a second his hand had lingered upon Merlin`s. He probably thought how awful his old backpack looked in comparison. He was probably deciding whether to leave inside or not. Merlin decided this was the right time to materialise by his side and pick up himself. Their hands touched briefly when he also took his mother`s purse from Arthur's grip. 

"I have it," Merlin said. Arthur nodded.

“Are you sure, Arthur there won't be a problem with us staying here too? We could easily find a hotel for ourselves,” Hunith said. Merlin rolled his eyes. Arthur the perfect knight would not let that happen, not during his watch, not with his mother. “It won't be a problem,” Mithian answered. “Morgana said she has enough rooms to accommodate all of us.” Arthur smiled at his mother before pressing the doorbell. Merlin wondered if his stomach felt like it had been kicked repeatedly over the last couple of hours. Well, now he might knew how Merlin felt every time. He would have laughed if the door had not opened too smoothly and too quietly for something made of glass to make, and the woman that he knew was called Morgana appeared in front of them with red lips and white teeth for a smile.

Merlin wondered whether Arthur had thought, Let`s do this, as he saw her for the first time. Somehow, he found himself really wanting to know how the other felt.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Morgana felt like a slap in the face with a hand convered by mink glove would feel like. Or so Merlin thought after listening to her for fifteen minutes --not that she had talked to him besides the expectable “Hello” and “You must be?” And that last question had made him feel like the outsider he knew he looked like. He could say he had been lucky enough for Mithian to introduce him as a close friend (because saying he was the son of the woman assisting them with social care would have been too long of a single title). Merlin sat on the white-as-snow couch before he could realise (after some painful long seconds) that Mithian actually had called him "their friend" as in “Arthur and Mithian`s friend.” It made him sound so popular and social. He squinted his eyes at the thought given that he was hardly neither of those of things. Perhaps the son of the woman assisting them was too long for an easy introduction, but at least it would make a honest title.

They drank tea (that smelled how the Queen`s bathroom would probably smell like) and ate cookies that had seen more of the world than Merlin could ever dream off. He had prepared himself for the notion that the owners of the house would be the biggest snubs in the country, but Morgana had been so charming towards Mithian and his mother that it made it difficult to frown upon her wealthy status. And he wasn't snoobish himself. Morgause had been so far a different deal --Merlin assumed she was the kind of person that needed to grow on you after a very, very long time of exposition. But since they were only staying until Sunday and it was Friday in the afternoon, there was only one day to try and make some progress. He shook his head. This wasn’t whether he managed to get alone with the two women or not, it was about if they were parent material.

And on that subject, Merlin knew next to nothing. So again, he realised how useless and confusing his presence was. It wasn't as if he could count for moral support either. Merlin could not provide moral support for himself in the first place, what sort of moral assistance could he provide for anybody?

“Mithian told me you have been helping her through this,” Morgana said offering a second batch of scones to Hunith.

“Well, I have been trying to do so--” Hunith said accepting the offer. “Helping both of them,” she smiled to both Mithian and Arthur. Merlin managed to grave a cookie quietly as he could in between. He was starving and outside any proper conversation --nobody was paying him any notice.

“We are just happy you could make it here,” Morgana replied with a tender smile. Merlin didn’t know much about what made someone parent material or not. Morgana`s smile seemed to be the kind of gesture one could only make when you have a good heart. Or good teeth.

Arthur asked, “May I use the restroom?”

Merlin had almost forgotten that Arthur was in the room too. He had only replied to Morgana`s polite questions at first and then kept silent while the rest of the group started to discuss Mithian`s doctor`s appointments and cravings. Apparently she couldn’t pass a single night without eating a full bowl of blueberries and for breakfast, she preferred boiled eggs or nothing at all. Merlin had then focused and marveled at the specific behaviour behind the mind of a pregnant woman to even notice Arthur was there. The couple of times his eyes had slipped towards Arthur`s side, he had noticed he might not be looking as interested as he was on the topic. He was probably tired from the drive or he was used to hearing Mithian talking over the benefits of goat cheese.

“Actually, our first floor bathroom isn’t available right now but you just take the stairs to the second floor, third door to the left,” Morgana suplaid. He saw Arthur leave at the same time Morgause appeared from a second door. She was probably coming from the kitchen (unless the house actually had more than one kitchen, perhaps it had one for each floor). She was carrying a glass of wine and in the moment she sat next to her wife, he noticed the strange contrast between them. Not only it was a matter of height or hair color but also level of production. Morgana wore a long green dress and perfectly combed hair while her spouse wore sweatpants and a teal shirt with her hair pulled up in an uneven bun. Merlin also noticed she never looked directly at Mithian`s direction even though she was sitting almost in front of her. She seemed to be more interested on playing around with a silver bracelet on her left wrist than anything that was happening around her. Merlin ate another cookie. The woman was a renowned neurosurgeon; she probably was just tired after a hard and long day at work. 

“You must be tired after a hard and long drive probably?” Morgana asked. She stood up full with energy and took Mithian's hand to lead the way through the stairs unto the second floor. As they made their way, Merlin realised it was indeed possible to surpass such level of beauty and good taste. His amazeness reached the level of déjà-vu as he thought he had already seen the main hall on the cover of an architecture magazine once. Somehow it made perfect sense.

“We set the main guest room at the end of the hall for you and Arthur,” Morgause said to Mithian who quickly turned the brightest of reds for a pregnant girl. “Two doors to the right would be your room, Misses Emrys.”

“Please, call me Hunith,” his mother said ignoring Mithian`s blushing.

“Hunith,” Morgause repeated with a sealed smile. “And your son, we have a room on the third floor-- unless it would be too much trouble for you?” she asked him without changing her expression. He smiled quickly and explained how it really didn’t bother him at all to spend two nights on a strange home with a floor only by himself. He was happy they weren't planning on making him sleep in the backyard like a stray mascot.

He left his mother and Mithian with Morgana while he went up the stairs scorted by Morgause (which most definitely did not give him chills --there was nothing spooky about having the woman at his back while going up some dark stairs at a deserted place.) The third floor wasn’t as ravishing as the rest of the house had been, but it still managed to have more class than Merlin itself. There were only five doors, nothing in comparison to the almost endless halls beneath them, and immediately Merlin realized the place was also colder than the rest of the house.

“The heat acts a little bit strangely here but there's a heater in every room for it,” she said.

“It`s alright,” he said when she walked pass him and led him to the first door at the right side. “This would be your room,” she pointed and opened the door. “It`s slightly smaller than the others but I trust you would not mind, right?”

“I`m slightly smaller myself,” he replaid. He stared at the floor and then to the wall silent. Luckily, Morgause just left without adding a single comment. As soon as the door closed, Merlin buried his head on the closest pillow he could find. This already seemed to be a promising weekend.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He wasn’t the kind of person that packed his entire life every time he went one meter away from his home but when he was emptying his backpack, he came to the conclusion he may had over packed for his stay. What was he supposed to do with five t-shirts and three trousers? He didn’t even wear that much variation of outfits when he was at his home for one entire week, why did he had assumed he was going to dress more times than normal at this place? And it wasn’t as if he had packed some fancy suit and ties to impress the world at dinner; there were only old t-shirts and ripped trousers. Going through the content of his backpack, Merlin realized his decision-making abilities before leaving his home had taken a holiday of their own after discovering he had only packed one clean pair of pants. The red item stood by itself at the bottom of the bag and Merlin stared at it longer than it was recommend it to stare at a piece of underwear –being the recommended time, no time at all-. He took it outside and displayed in front of his eyes; he was unsure if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of heat but his body didn’t seem to worry about moving position. So of course when Arthur knocked on the door he found Merlin standing incredibly still with his underwear in front of his face.

Arthur cleared his throat and Merlin jumped so high from the scare, he dropped the pants to the other side of his bed. “Yes?” he asked with little to no dignity left in his body.

“Dinner is served” he said and closed the door without further addition. Merlin thought that if perhaps he stood there without moving for a long time, he could integrate his body to the boards of the floor and disappear from sight for all eternity… but he was hungry and if he blended to the floor, he would most likely would appear back in the second floor.

When he went downstairs, all the way back to the first floor and after opening three doors that led to nowhere, he finally found the dining room with everybody already in place. Morgana sat him at his mother`s left side leaving Mithian and Arthur in front of him with Morgause at the head of the table and Morgana at her right. Merlin`s first thought at seeing the table was that it probably was even bigger than his bed but he quickly forgot it when two women stepped inside the room, each one holding three plates of soups and with their heads held high upon the roof. They served to  everyone their plates and left without making a sound.

“Those were our maids” Morgana said when the prolonged silence felt too prolonged. “Sefa and Alice, they have been with us for almost five years now” she said “And they are great with kids as well” she quickly added, making Mithian smiled. Merlin acted as if he didn’t notice it that with the sole mention of the word “kids”, Morgause gulped down another sip from her cup of wine. When he stared back at his plate, he could see Arthur looking away from the same direction as he did but when he found his eyes, all that he could remember were the pair of pants that were waiting for him at one side of his bed and he felt his face transformed into the same color. 

“How did you find the soup Mithian?” Morgana asked her. After that, the conversation seemed to turn to another brief debate upon what made a soup delicious or not –one hot topic his mother could not escape from without collaboration-. He stopped paying attention to the words, focused too much on enjoying the corn and chicken brew that stood upon him  when he heard Morgana`s question to Arthur: “So Arthur, what is your favorite soup?”

“I prefer the asparagus soup” he said with a diplomatic smile. Merlin let his spoon lingering in front of his mouth far too long than he should have and looked at Arthur`s position. “Not a bad choice” Morgause said “Although is quite difficult to not use too much salt on it”

“It`s alright” he answered “I like salty soups”. Merlin couldn’t explain why but suddenly, he felt his cheeks going red like the tomato soup he wasn’t drinking at all once again.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

It was three am in the morning and Merlin couldn’t sleep. He had been staring at the ceiling for almost an hour, sometimes feeling the weight of the day upon his shoulders but quickly disappearing leaving him with less sleep than before. His feet were frozen even with the heater at maximum power and in retrospect, perhaps Merlin should have packed some extra socks. Even with the lights off, light still found its way inside the room with the moon shining brightly through the window and unto Merlin`s face. The red pants were on top of his backpack, that rested on top of a chair, that was placed directly in Merlin`s line of sight so even when he tried to forget the incident he just had to look straight ahead to remember everything.

But Merlin knew very well this wasn’t about his underwear or Arthur finding him with them on his hands. If he had to pin point one reason for staying up at this hour, he`ll had to give it to “soup” and being more accurate, “Arthur`s favorite soup”. It wasn’t as if he was being paranoid and he had the needy compulsion to make every situation about himself but he knew Arthur`s mention of the salty asparagus soup had been a clear mention at him. He might as well have said “Hey Merlin! Yes Merlin, you! I like the soup I told you about one time to your ear when I used to spend almost all of my days at your home before you kicked me out and never talked to me again!” but saying that out loud would had been extremely weird.

And perhaps Merlin was mistaken after all; perhaps Arthur had always had the sweet for green roots boiled for hours and turned into brews, he couldn’t truly know the truth behind his choice. And why did it bother him so much? Soup! It was only soup, a plate and not even a main course, it was a fucking entre. Most people skipped the entre and went straight to the next plate and besides, what type of people hold a twenty-minute conversation about soup anyway? If Merlin had to guess an answer, he would have said “people who are currently sleeping at their beds right now” but that didn’t console him.

He had tried to find some sleep for another half-hour when he decided that a drink of fresh water could be of some help. It was only once he was up and out of the room to the darkness of the hallway that he considered the fact that he had no idea how to get to the kitchen. Or even, how to find the stairs. He walked with his arms stretched in front of him like a blind mummy would do until he found a second door knob in front of him. He opened the door but everything was dark and smelled dusty and he felt frustrated; there were five rooms and logic dictated at least one had to be a bathroom. He already knew this wasn’t and his own room neither so he had three other opportunities to be wrong or right. He walked to his left and then to the front, opening two more doors and founding the same similar scent of old and forgotten. It was only when he reached the door at the end of the hall that he noticed a small stream of light at the bottom of the door; if the home held any sense of respect for the laws of physics, it was impossible for the light to come from the moon… which meant there was a light turned on inside and when there is a light, there is probably someone who doesn’t want to be disturbed. Merlin decided he had no business entering the room, already convinced there wasn’t any bathroom at this floor when he made the wrong turn and hit his head with a wall. If there was any resemblance to a living creature inside the fifth room, it was most likely that it had heard the noise he had made.

He was still rubbing his head and cursing his lack of nocturnal vision when the door opened a crack and the light flashed upon his naked feet. Merlin wasn’t sure what he was expecting to appear from the inside of the room –his mind drifted from Mrs. Rochester to Freddy Krueger in one second- but the sight of Arthur in his pajamas caught him by surprise.

“Do you have any idea what time is it?” he asked in a whisper.

“Late” he replied, whispering as well.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for the bathroom”

“There is no bathroom in this floor”

“Yes, I could see that”

“Right then” he lastly said “Good night”. As he closed the door, Merlin realized he had wasted a golden opportunity although he was uncertain whether Arthur would listen to him… but he had to know, he had to have some reassurance that his soup answer had been either a total coincidence or a calculated move. He knocked at the door with his knee as he was still holding his bruised head with both hands. “What?” Arthur asked in a screamed whisper.

“Why did you said asparagus soup?” he asked. Probably not the best way to start a conversation but Merlin had never been an expert on the subject.

“What?”

“At dinner, you said your favorite soup was the asparagus one. Why?”

“I don’t know Merlin… perhaps because I favored it before other types of soups” he answered raising his eyebrow “Is this really a necessary conversation to have a 3 am in the morning?”

“Well, it`s not as if you are going to talk to me tomorrow… or any other day for that matter”

“Wait a second” he said, opening the door wider, revealing his full body. If Arthur made the conscious decision of sleeping on nothing but his boxers, Merlin could never know it.  “I thought you didn’t had anything to say to me”

“I never said that”

“You said you didn’t want me there! That you felt sorry for me and you made it perfectly clear we couldn’t be friends”

“Oh right… as if you were so desperate to be my friend” he said. Arthur didn’t say anything else and closed the door as quietly as it was possible, leaving Merlin there –barefoot and insomniac- outside his door. He knocked the door again but there was no answer; he knocked three more times until he gave up and went back to his room. It wasn’t until he was already in bed he realized the fact that Arthur was sleeping here and not in what it should be his room with Mithian. The clock stroke 4 am in the morning when he finally fall asleep.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Saturday passed almost in a blurred. Morgana had planned out the entire day to spend it with Mithian, Arthur and Hunith; it was around noon when he walked into the room with the four of them discussing maternity plans when he realized he was the very sad and very unnecessary third wheel of the place. He had been drinking a bottle of juice in the kitchen when he saw Morgause sat in the garden reading a book that he realized how little interest she had shown during the morning about her wife`s plans. He was almost finishing his bottle of plum and raspberry organic juice when she entered the kitchen; he wasn’t sure if he had to smiled at her, bowed, kneeled down or ignore her so he stared back at her presence with the empty bottle still lingering over his lips.

“You should take a walk around the place” she said to him, opening a bottle of strawberry and tangerine juice herself “We have quite an immense backyard for own taste, you should explore it since you have nothing to do here”. If didn’t matter what tone her voice had in that moment because she could have written the words down to him and the last one would had still floated around his mind for what it seemed to be an eternity. She was right and she seemed like the type of person who usually did, what was he even doing here? He wasn’t a moral support for anybody and he had no insight on what it took to take care of an unborn child, he truly had no business in the place. So he took the advice from the spooky woman and went for a walk.

Morgause definitely had not lied when she said the backyard was immense. It seemed as if it were an entire forest inside and Merlin would not be surprised that if he walked further enough he would found a village with economical independency functioning inside. As daunting as it felt at first, once he found a sense of direction and the reassurance he wasn’t loosing the contact with the house at his back, he felt a great sense of peace in it. The loneliness and silence made him feel as if he was in a separate world from time and the isolation gave him the chance to ponder on things that were far from his understanding. Merlin felt as if he could actually find the answers to man`s greatest doubts inside the place. He found a lodge to sit in and with his eyes staring at the light blue sky, he relaxed with the confidence that when he returned to the house he would be returning as a wiser man than before… Merlin felt asleep five minutes later.

He wasn’t sure if it had been the coldness or the cat licking his face but once Merlin finally woke up, he realized he might have spent a little bit too much time outside. The sun was almost at its setting point and his back felt filled up with microscopic life. Merlin thought how stupid he had to be to feel asleep there for almost six full hours before he realized he had to be much more stupid to be there with no idea on how returning. Did he really got lost on someone`s backyard? Merlin was sure that if he ever saw human civilization again, this error would be going for the books.

He walked in what he thought was a straight line for what he thought it had been ten minutes until he realized he couldn’t hear anything from any side. Perhaps he wasn’t even on Acestir anymore; perhaps he had gone full circle and appeared back on Ealdor. He walked back till the spot where he had woke up and started walking again on the opposite direction, glad there was still some shred of sunlight left on the sky. He finally saw the lights from the house when he felt a big slap in the back of his head. At first he thought the cat had returned to finish its job but when he turned around and saw Arthur`s furious face, he was left wishing for the creature to have come back for him instead.

“Are you insane?!” he yelled at him. He was still a little bit confused about what was happening, not to mention starving and freezing so he didn’t say anything and stood there looking at Arthur who seemed to relaxed himself a bit as the seconds went by. “Do you have any idea who fucking worried your mum has being?”

“I just lost track of time” he said. It wasn’t as if he decided to worry his mother on purpose. “It was an accident”

“An accident?” he said chuckling with no real sensation he had said something funny “We have being looking for you for the last three hours but you just lost track of time”

“I`m sorry I made you waste your precious time, alright?”

Arthur still seemed visibly upset at him, chewing a side of his mouth and looking to the side while nodding his head. “Do you always have to make everything about how much you hate me? Doesn’t occurred to you that your mother may have been worried as well?”

“Do you think I did it on purpose? I already said I was sorry” he said, placing his face unto Arthur`s tilted line of sight. “And I don’t hate you Arthur”

“Right” he said looking back at him with a dry chuckled.

“Are you really going to tell me that me hating you or not is important to you?”

Arthur`s face had turned serious one more time, to that unscrupulous mascara he could not decoded. “Just don’t worry your mother like that again, okay?”

“I know…”

They walked back to the great manor in silence, side by side and looking straight forward. Once they reached the normal edge between the trees and the backyard, Arthur stopped him holding his arms with his own “Wait a second” he said, standing in front of Merlin.

“What?” but he said nothing in return, instead focusing on arranging his hair filled with leaves and sticks that went to almost thirty different directions. Merlin just stood there as Arthur brushed his hair with his fingers, his face almost a step away from his own. “There” he said taking a step back as if he was glaring at his own art work “You look more like your tousled self than a Lost Boy”

Merlin was quiet; his brain going the extra mile trying to combined the Arthur Pendragon that hit him in the face with the Arthur Pendragon that washed the dishes at his home and now, the Arthur Pendragon that brushed his hair with his bare hands. He might get an aneurism for it. “Thank you” he said once he felt a migraine was about to occur. They started walking again towards the back door of the kitchen in silence.

“Arthur?”

“What?”

“I meant it when I said I didn’t hate you”

“Merlin?”

“What?”

“Shut up”

When Merlin said "Okay", he didn’t say it as if his feelings had been hurt but with a smile on his face. Arthur`s voice saying his name didn’t sound as bad as he had thought it before.


	5. Besame mucho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...) Besame,   
> besame mucho   
> como si fuera ésta noche   
> la última vez   
> Besame, besame mucho   
> que tengo miedo a perderte   
> perderte después (...)

Merlin felt sick because the last month his life had gone through an actual montage of happy and bonding moments, each one cheesier than the last one.

It all had started the Saturday night he had spend on Acestir as his mother`s chaperone and even though, he had no intention of remembering the quite embarrassing incident of him getting lost on the house`s garden –that was in fact of the size of a forest- he couldn’t denied that it had being the moment things took a turn for the newest. He wasn’t sure if he could say it had been a turn for the best but it most certainly had been a turn and so far, it haven’t being as unpleasant as Merlin had predicted. His mother, obviously, scolded him harshly and hugged him even more fiercely; Mithian had smiled at him while remaining sitten next to Morgana who looked concerned as well but would never show a great manifestation of affection towards a stranger and Merlin understood that. What had stricken him most about the situation –besides Arthur remaining by his side all alone- it had been Morgause`s disappearance; apparentelly she had been called on an emergency to the clinic almost right after Merlin had entered the forest –because it was and Merlin insisted that it was a forest- so she couldn’t have explained that it had been her suggestion that drove Merlin for his all-day walk. Morgana explained how important it was for pregnant women to stick to a certain routine so she had insisted of Mithian eating a nice and warm supper while Merlin was gone but his mother had refused it so she would eat with him on the kitchen counter. Morgana also explained how in such routine it was equally important to have at least some good nine hours of sleep and that it was time for her and Mithian to withdraw to their chambers. Merlin smiled even though he felt tired of moving over the lack of substance throughout the day because there was something in Morgana`s face that stopped her from sounding too commanding and made her look like Mithian`s very worried mother. He kissed both ladies goodnight and waited for his mother to do as well; after they saw them going up the stare they head straight to the kitchen when only Sefa remained inside. She served them a plate of cold meat and a tomato salad and ate it in silence, sat next to each other. Merlin knew his mother was glaring at him every five seconds, looking for any irregularities of his physical self but he tried to act as if he didn’t notice it.

“You hair looks different” she said and Merlin though he may have snorted an entire portion of his pork with those words. Given, he haven’t check to a mirror to contemplate Arthur`s work but he didn’t think it would have been necessary. Perhaps he should have listen to himself more carefully in the future. “How come?” he asked playing aloof.

“You always carried most of your wild mane to the right side and now is on the other side”

“You know what they say: variety is the spice of life” he replied before quickly finishing his plate and kissing his mother goodbye on her cheek. “I`m tired for my all day trekking experience so I should go to bed now”

“Of course darling, have sweet dreams” she said caressing with a gentle touch his wild hair; she was starting to move it to the opposite side when she stopped herself and looked at the whole picture that her son presented. “You know what? You look rather posh with your hair like that. You should keep it”

Merlin didn’t reply and with a smile, he left his mother on the kitchen and made the hasty run towards his room, going up the stare three steps at the time. Once he reached the third floor, the entire hallway was covered in the deepest obscurity with the slight exception of one string of light coming from Arthur`s room. Merlin stood in front of his own door, hesitating whether he should go inside or not or make the shift to his right and knocked on the door. There wasn’t much room for questioning: he was tired, he was cold, and he had a new eco-system living inside his shoes. Every fiber on Merlin`s body was screaming for him to enter the room and sleep with some change of clothes and every cell had proceeded to empty all of their metaphorical lungs when he was standing in front of the door at the end of hall. He knocked and waited, with his eyes closed and not sure why he felt so nervous about it. He waited for the door to open at any point but when there was no immediate response like the night before, Merlin assumed he had no business in there and was more than prepare to make his way towards his room with his tail between his legs.

“Come in” he heard that night and if he hadn’t listen to it, if he hadn’t come forward inside, he could have save himself the vomiting experience of what it meant to be Arthur Pendragon`s friend.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

It wasn’t as if they had talked all night about their feelings and aspirations for the future because they didn’t. Merlin at first had remained besides the closed door staring at Arthur who was on his bed with a book on his lap, shirt off and looking back at him. “What?” he had asked and Merlin made a sound that resembled more to the cry a goat produces when its feet have being stuck under a mower, or so Merlin thought. “Are you still looking for the bathroom?”.

Merlin made a chuckled and suddenly, remembering what on earth possessed his legs to enter Arthur`s room, he thanked the man for going after him during the afternoon. The moment would have been quite lovely, with Merlin`s kind words and Arthur`s shy smile if the prat would not have said in return: “I only did it because your mother asked me to”, wrinkling his nose and staring at Merlin as if he was some sort of charity event he had to attend by force. “Oh” he had said, “then I should go and thank my mum… just forgive my sense of gratitude”

He had been about to leave the room when he heard Arthur rousing from bed and stopping him from the arm; he didn’t notice the display of nudity on his chest area because he could never do that, after all chiseled physics were not his thing. “Look, it wasn’t just your mother who was worried about you” he said.

“Really?”

“Well, yes…” he said and then, Arthur took a pause where you could have fitted an entire universe of topless men that look like him but Merlin wasn’t thinking about that “Morgana was very worried, she may had called the Army for you just to make sure her weekend kept being perfect”. Merlin narrowed his eyes at him. “I do feel better about myself knowing that” he said. The awkward silence that seemed to stretch between them only made more obvious to the fact that Arthur still was only on his briefs and Merlin still had his arm trapped inside his grip. So Merlin did one of the few things he was good at and deflected the attention of the conversation to something deedless that he could know something about. “What are you reading?”

It was only when Merlin had spoken that Arthur let his arm lose and went back to his bed where he put on some sweatpants; Merlin was surprised at the sight, had been thought all his life the Pendragons were too cool and too damn rich to know what casual clothes look like. “Ten Little Indians” Arthur said showing him the cover in front of his face.

“You must be the slowest reader ever” Merlin said and he wasn’t sure if it was the lack of sleep or the long exposure to the wildlife that made his shell of aggressiveness combined with shyness vanished for one second enough to said those words. Arthur raised his eyebrow, looking perplex –and cute- while standing up and walking back to Merlin`s side with the book still on his hand and trousers on his hips. “And that was because?”

“The book!” he said with a high pitch voice. “I mean…” he cleared his throat looking for a braver tone “You must be reading that book for what? Two months now. It`s not that long or complicated”

“What are you talking about? I started it last night and I`m going to ignore the insult to my intelligence you just dropped” he said still looking perplex –and cute-.

“But you were reading it on the library before”

“What are you even saying? I think you may have snorted some grass while being in the wildness” he said narrowing his eyes and giving him a half –and cute- smile.

“Okay, first of all: no and second of all: I know what I am taking about. You were reading it when you went to the library and gave me that post-it about Will. I remember perfectly”

Arthur leaned his head backwards, as if the sudden memory flew by inside his brain. Oh great, Merlin thought, if he didn’t remember it but he did then he may as well go back to live with the trees because the embarrassment he was about to endure would be too much for him to handle. “You remembered that time?”

“It was only two months ago, I`m not that clueless about the passing of time” he said most certainly not folding his arms in front of his chest and looking defensive.

“I just didn’t think it had been that important to you” he said leaning his head to the side and going back to looking perplex –and cute-.

Merlin started to laugh in what could only be described as the most unconvinced laugh of all times because he obviously did not found the moment funny. “Well” he said raising his shoulders almost to the level of his ears “I only remembered because… it`s my favorite Agatha Christie`s book”

“Oh, so you don’t remember moments, you remember books”

“Book-related moments actually”

“Then I assumed you are going to remember this moment even though it is the same book”

“I will never forget it” he said and the voice on his head actually smacked the part of his brain in charge of the speech. “I mean… I have a good memory”

“So I see” Arthur said and he scratched his perfectly formed –and cute- nose. Then, the awkward silence came back and Merlin didn’t had anything else to discuss; he considered for a brief second actually spoiling the book to Arthur but that would have been too cruel and it probably would have end up the conversation too fast for him. And the thing was, to Merlin`s own surprise, he was standing inside Arthur`s room not wishing for the conversation to dry up. He didn’t need to find another topic of elaborated debate between them because Arthur left the room before he could say another word; he moved Merlin to the side and after saying “Wait a moment”, he placed the book on his own hands and closed the door behind him.

He only had time to sit on his bed –on top of the covers because Merlin felt that to feel the inside of the bed where he slept the night before was too intimate for him to handle- and casually glancing to the very well kept first edition of the book before Arthur returned rubbing his hands with one another and with every hair of his body lifted from its natural state. Not that Merlin was being too precise with his eyes.

“God, it`s cold outside”. Merlin was about to say “So I see” but he luckily refrained himself from it. “I went and turned on the heater on your room so you don’t freeze over there”

“Oh! That was unnecessary from you, I… I like cold weather”. He felt as if his tongue has founding new and interesting places to hide inside his mouth making his words sound sillier than they actually were.

“Yeah right… I found you out there, remember? Your nose was completely red from the low temperatures”

“It wasn’t!”

“Please, you looked like Rudolph the reindeer out there” Arthur teesed him walking to his bed and sitting by Merlin`s side. He unconsciously moved his body to the left at the sign of a possible touch with the bare-chested man. “Well, thank you” he said standing up more abruptly than he had wished for and handing down the book back to his owner, he made his way to the door. “What do you think you are doing?” Arthur asked without moving from his bed.

“Going back to my room since you turned the heater on so I didn’t froze inside”

“That was the plan but you can`t go there right now… it`s still too cold”

“I think I can handle a little frostbite”

“Just stay here for a couple of more minutes. The heater is old so it would take a while and you can`t just wait outside your room”

Merlin didn’t had the courage to ask what he was supposed to do there; it wasn’t as if he would crashed unto Arthur`s bed and made room for himself next to the man while he read. I mean, he thought, he technically could do that but it would be terrible inconvenient to snuggle beside a man that wasn’t his friend. Also, he wasn’t quite sure that being his friend or not did actually granted him permission to snuggle; he most certainly would never try to do it with Will so he didn’t had a lot of proofs to back up his hypothesis. “Oh dear lord, what are you thinking about?” Arthur asked waking him up from his mental rant.

“What?” he asked. “You seemed as if you were thinking about something” Arthur said.

“I`m always thinking about something, the brain it`s a beautiful organ that never sleeps”

“I know how the brain works Merlin but you always look the same when you are ranting about something inside your head”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your hands” he said, putting the book to a side and moving his fingers with one another as if he knitting something invisible “They always go like this went you are thinking”

“They do not” Merlin said knowing they most certainly did.

“It is still quite perplexing to see someone standing by the door, moving his fingers and is he was knitting something invisible” he said.

“What?”

“What what?” he asked.

“You said I was knitting something invisible” he said while he felt his lungs starting to collapsed. Merlin knew coincidences happened all the time, not usually to him with someone else and most certainly, not with Arthur Pendragon but the slight idea of him sharing a similar train of thought for bad analogies made his stomach turned upside down inside of him. “Yes, I said it three seconds ago” Arthur said looking one more time perplexed –and cute-. Good lord, Merlin thought, he really need it to stop adding the cute to everything the man did.

“Right” Merlin said without fully recovering his ability to inhale and exhale oxygen. “I have to go now, lovely evening, nice book. Goodnight” and with that he closed the door, leaving Arthur looking more perplex than all the times before combined –and cute… damn it Merlin!-. He leaned to the door finally catching his breath back and felt the darkness of the hall soothing and not at all intimidating as the night before.

“You know I can sense you are still by the door, right?”

“I said goodnight!” and before Merlin could die from a heart attack if the man though of reopening the door, he ran towards his room and made it quickly to the bed. It was only once his head was splashed around the flat pillow that he thought to himself: “Damn it, the room did felt nicer with the heat”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The next Sunday was a day of negatives.

He did not ate his breakfast sitting in front of Arthur, feeling his eyes on top of him every five seconds; he did not went for a walk to the main shopping district inside Arthur`s car in the copilot seat listening to a certain mixed CD because Morgana had insisted on driving Mithian and Hunith on her own car. He did not discover that Arthur`s favorite ice-cream flavor was white chocolate; he did not accompany his mother when she went with Mithian and Morgana shopping for maternity dresses while Arthur stood outside the shop all the time. He did not go outside the shop and asked if he was alright because his mother wanted to know; he did not lie at that moment about his mother`s actual concern because she was too worried about Mithian and went over to Arthur on his own initiative. He did not wish for the trip back home to be longer; he did not pretend to see Arthur going packing into Mithian`s room before going up the stairs five minutes later and entering the room at the end of the hall. He did not see how Arthur`s body tensed up when he had to hug Morgana and Morgause goodbye; he did not wish for Arthur to play the CD one more time and did not feel disappointed when his mother asked to play the radio instead. He did not fell asleep on the ride back and woke up almost at the corner from his home with Arthur`s jacket over him. He did not pretend to remain asleep for what was left of the ride so he could keep on smelling the mixture of coconut and lime. He did not leave the car and wish he could stay there forever, he did not say goodbye and wish he could shake a hand forever; he did not go to his bed that night and wish he could repeat the entire day one more time.

He did not dream with music and ice-creams and the smell of orange freshener and lime with coconut and mystery books. He did not think of Arthur at all during the entire day.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Somehow Merlin thought for himself that what happened on Acestir would stay there, as if everything that had occurred between them –the brushing of the hair, the talk at midnight, everything that didn’t happen the next day- would only remain living inside Merlin`s head as a timeline that was only private for him to revisit in the future. But the next day, Arthur gave him an apple by his locker because he knew he never ate enough fruits –something he casually commented at breakfast on Sunday when Morgana had talked about healthy diets-; when he spend his afternoon on the library studying for his Math test the next day, he arrived later than usual at his home and a summary of all the contents was waiting for him on top of the table.

“Arthur called me” his mother said when they were eating their supper. Merlin didn’t say a word and kept on eating his roasted carrots. “He wanted to ask me if he was allowed to return for his visits here”. Merlin ate a second carrot without taking his eyes from the plate. “I told him he didn’t have to ask for permission, that he had always being welcome here”. Third carrot, deep down his throat. “He said I needed to ask you about it”. There wasn’t any other food on his plate and he felt the third carrot still lodged inside his throat; perhaps gulping them all of them in less than ten seconds may not have being the smartest of ideas. “I`m asking you now, darling, does Arthur has your permission to come back here?”

He looked over his mother`s side, she was waiting for an answer with her I-want-you-to-tell-me-everything-that-is-happening eyes but he didn’t cave in. “I don’t know why did he say that”

“Is that so?” she asked with her I-know-you-are-not-being-honest-right-now-young-man eyes. He nodded at her and cleaned his lips with his napkin. “May I go to bed now?” he asked with his most innocent smile. “No, you may not” she said “I want you to tell me what is happening between you and Arthur Pendragon”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I`m not going to easily forget what he did to you, my son” she said placing her hands on top of the table cloth and softening her face till she reached her You-are-my-son-and-I-will-fight-for-you eyes. “I will have a serious talk with him tomorrow now that you have granted your permission”

“I don’t think that would be necessary” he said, feeling the accumulation of sweat on his back and turmoil inside his stomach. The last thing he could use in his daily life at that moment was his mother fighting for him and trying to impress some sense of honor inside Arthur Pendragon`s head even when Merlin felt unsure whether he didn’t want it because he was determined to fight his own battles or because he wasn’t sure if Arthur needed a sermon on moral behavior anymore. After all, he had showed him actual concern for his well being on the last three days… even when he had shown nothing but indifference and violence on the last three years.

Suddenly, Merlin felt so stupid at thinking someone like Arthur could actually be kind enough for a couple of days to vanish years of mockery and abuse. Things didn’t go like that in real life: there couldn’t just be one small montage of happy-go-lucky moments that would erase everything else that had happened on the background of the gestures. It didn’t matter how many apples Arthur would leave on his locker on the next days or if he helped him with his future tests because at the end of everything, under every layer of kindness he would show him, he would still be the man that kicked his face every week. “Mum…”

“Yes, darling?”

“Can people radically change who they are in three days or less?”

“No, my dear, they can`t”

Merlin nodded quietly at the awful yet obvious truth in the matter. Even when he could say he knew almost six different variations of how Arthur behaved there was always one meant to reign over the rest. Hunith got up from her chair and walked slowly towards her son`s side; she touched his frail cheek and leaning him closer to her motherly chest, she hold his head and caressed his black hair. “Nobody can change entirely on three days but they can always start to do it. I only agreed on helping him because it was the right thing to do but every day I met him, all I could see were the hands and feet he used to beat my precious son” Merlin looked to his mother on disbelief, always thinking her heart was greater than the universe itself. “I never thought you wouldn’t want to help him”

“Are you kidding me love? The first time I saw him stepping inside my office, I wanted it to slap him on his pretty face!”

“Mum!”

“It`s true! You are my number one, two, three and one hundred priority on this world and I would never change that”

“Do you still want to slap him on the face?” he asked, standing straighter and looking at the ferocious fire on the eyes of his mother.

“No… I calm myself down some time ago”

“What made you change your mind?”

“You my love”

“How?”

“I realized that if you were strong enough to have him here without punching him on the jaw, then so was I” she said smiling.

“Mum… I don’t think wishing to hit a minor on the face would be considered a responsible behavior for somebody who works with children most of the time”

“Merlin…”

“Yep?”

“Go to bed”. Merlin laughed as well as his mother. He had always had an act to disturb truly emotional and heartfelt moments with random words but his mother was used to it and she loved him for it.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

As he said it before, Arthur`s daily visits resumed at its original beat but even though the general aspects remained untouched –the tea, the tap on the table, the washing of the dishes, the scent-, they weren’t the same type of visits. First of all, Merlin and Arthur actually started to exchange more than three words a day and began to have normal person-to-person kind of conversations.

“I`m telling you is the girl! I know it!” Arthur said on Tuesday night.

“And I`m telling you that trying to convince someone that has already read the book of your theory is not very clever!” Merlin would answer.

“So, she isn’t the evil mastermind?”

“I`m not spoiling the ending for you. You`ll be surprise to know how gratifying is to actually reach the ending of a book and be genuinely surprise with the outcome”

“It`s totally the girl, I knew it!” he said before going back to placing all of his face inside the book as if he could found out the solution to the mystery if he inhaled the ink from the pages.

On Wednesday and Thursday`s nights they would kept quiet, studying for their Geometry and English tests.

“What do you mean that Ariel can`t be played by a woman?” Merlin said on a Thursday night.

“Because Shakespeare himself said it, as in it`s right there in the text” Arthur would replied.

“It`s a fairy, a spirit… there is nothing more genderless than that”

“You can`t put that on the test tomorrow”

“Why not? It`s an actual deeply thought analysis on the text” Merlin would said waving in his hands his old copy of The Tempest.

“It`s not! It`s just you trying to go against the greatest writer of all times”

“Pointing factual elements of the story is not going against him”. They could go like that for hours if the nights would be longer or Merlin`s mother more benevolent and not reminding Arthur that it was getting late and he had to return to his own house. They ended up their discussions once they got out of things to say and they started to lose the coherence in his words; normally Arthur would stood sitting on his chair in front of Merlin, looking at him as if he was looking at a very amusing joke while Merlin would move his lips quite profusely just to annoy the sensitive eyes of his competitor. It was only once Arthur had left and Merlin was safely tucked inside his bed that he realized he was slowly turning into Arthur Pendragon`s friend. And it did not feel wrong.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

But of course, he had other friends and Arthur`s presence seemed to have somehow darken the presence of his best friend. It was only after the second week of discovering the new world of talking to Arthur that Merlin remembered he had left a side the world of talking to Will. Even though neither of them had spoken about it, Merlin and Arthur had reached an agreement on how the behave around the school`s premises: it wasn’t a completely ignorance of each other but they acted as casual as they could, as if they were hiding a secret to the rest, as if their new found tolerance was something nobody else could knew about. They never said the words about it but Merlin had subconsciously understood he didn’t have to talk to Will about Arthur and he didn’t have to mention Will to the other. Merlin still hanged out with Will during classes, still sat with him at lunch hours and Arthur still disappeared during breaks from human sight –Merlin suspecting he left to be alone on his car- but things didn’t felt the same. Merlin would normally sat and read a book while Will would played with his phone or talk to someone else that would be sitting near them. Even their table at lunch seemed to have suffered some sort of change as Merlin noticed they were a substantial grow of heads around him. He wondered since how long Elena, Freya, Gwen and Lance sat with him to eat but something told him it was too late to make inquiries; something told him that when he had being failing at paying attention, a new status quo had been established on his social life and it was too late to modify it.

“What?” Will asked one lunch break on a Tuesday.

“I asked you what you were doing”. Lately Merlin had to be repeating what he said to Will  more than a couple of times to grasp his friend`s attention but he couldn’t complain about it, since he was certain Will had to repeat what he said at him equally number of times.

“Eating, obviously” he said.

“What are you doing later?” he asked.

“Me, Freya and the rest are going to watch a movie”

“Nice! What movie?”

“One of those vampire-chosen one type of movies. We are just going to make fun of the people that go there”

“Sounds fun… are you going right after class? Maybe I could join you”

“Oh…”

“Oh what?”

“It`s just that we already bought the tickets, you know those movies sell pretty fast and I thought you were busy enough tutoring McPrat today”

“Oh, that`s alright anyway”

“I mean, I could go and hang out at your place later if you want to”

“No, no, don’t let me keeping you on the way of wooing Freya” he said with a half honest chuckle.

“Right” Will said with the other half of the not-so-honest chuckle. “Maybe we can hang out this Friday, watch some vintage Doctor Who and eat until one of us passes out”

Merlin didn’t know what hurt the most: the fact he was so used to lying to his best friend about him and Arthur that it didn’t matter anymore or that the prospect of spending his night with someone else than the blonde man made him feel so off with himself.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“You don’t have any friends, right?”. The question had blurted out of his mouth without a single warning but he didn’t feel sorry for it, it was something that had being consuming him ever since he realized how much time Arthur spend alone inside his car instead of being with other people.

“Ouch” the man answered while he closed down his book. They were sitting on Merlin`s living room, one at each corner of the coach with a bag of half eaten crisps open in the middle; he had been reading his copy of Dubliners while Arthur watched some old Top Gear re-run.

“Well, it`s kind of true” he said, closing his book and looking at him. Arthur was still deep focused on the new dishwasher commercial, staring directly at the T.V. in front of him, pretending he didn’t feel Merlin`s glare. “I mean, I`ve only seen you inside your car and you can`t tell me your car is your friend because it isn’t Herbie”

“Merlin, my car is way too cool to be Herbie” Arthur said, still without meeting his eyes. He remembered the old days when talking to Arthur meant a death sentence for later in the day, when he always saw the man surrounded by a mob of people, all of them so incredibly invested in whatever it was the man was saying but now, the mob had vanished like thin air and Arthur sat alone at classes.

“Where are your friends?” he ventured to ask.

“What friends?” Arthur asked laughing even though there was no trace of being a funny sentence. He finally turned his eyes and stared back at Merlin. It had been some time ever since Merlin felt smaller than a bug when Arthur saw him; given, he still felt slightly lesser than him but he now could hold up his gaze without sweating on his back.

“All those people that used to follow you around everywhere. They were like your own personal fan club” he said remembering the way Vivian had walked inside the biology class that marked the last time he had been beat up by Arthur in his calendar. The look of utter devotion and lust that she showed him had engraved inside his retina for longer than he cared to admit it. “Mostly women but there were Owain, and Vivian and I remember Sophia for example… all of them, what happened to them?”

Arthur laughed again even thought it was obvious there was nothing funny on the subject. “You think those people were my friends? You think they were by my side because they thought I was a very pleasant company?”

“Well, isn’t like how friendships and relationships work?” Merlin asked even though his friendship with Will had only emerged out of pure necessity at being the only two boys of the same age living on the same street and fearing the danger of loneliness at such young age.

“They were never my friends Merlin, they only were with me because they thought I would improved their status at school… or they thought I would sleep with them”

“Oh” he said, realizing the sense of loneliness Arthur most have felt all these years, being surrounded by people who only craved for his body. He realized he probably felt quite used for it, probably feeling this after sleeping with them –not that Merlin was familiarized with such feeling-. “Yes, _oh_ ” Arthur replied and turned the volume back on the T.V. “Oh” Merlin thought again. If all of that was in fact true –and there wasn’t any reason for Arthur to lie about it- then that meant he was his first and only friend in his entire life.

What if Arthur felt the necessity of giving him a BFF`s bracelet for it? What if everybody else found out about it? He was Arthur`s only friend and the honor felt heavy yet pleasant right on top of his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss me like tonight would be the last time.  
> Kiss me since I'm scared of loosing you then.


	6. I'm sticking with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...) I'm sticking with you  
> 'Cos I'm made out of glue  
> Anything that you might do  
> I'm gonna do too
> 
> There're people going into the stratosphere  
> Soldiers fighting with the Cong  
> But with you by my side I can do anything  
> When we swing, babe, we hang past right and wrong(...)

“Merlin?” Elena`s voice was sweet and mellow, distracting Merlin from his very dull and boring Biology assignment. “Would you like to know the latest gossip that has being floating around this precious building we call our school?”

“Dying to know all about it” he said. It had been a while since someone had approached him with a sensational story and he could only welcome with a gracious smile something that didn’t involve the "Arthur Pendragon`s baby drama". “What is it?” he asked while he kept on drawing a very complicated diagram of the evolution of human cells. He had been sitting by himself outside the main building, with the track field around him and surrounded by noisy people.

“Well…” Elena said, leaning closer to Merlin`s side grabbing her knees and jumping her seated body up and down. “Rumor has it that Arthur has a new sweetheart…”

Merlin`s pencil almost went through the sheet of paper completely piercing through his notebook. That couldn’t possibly be it, Elena must be tripping on acid or perhaps she had swallowed the inside of an electric tube light. Arthur with a new girlfriend? The same Arthur that almost spend every day with Merlin? The same Arthur that was going to be a father in almost three more months? Merlin knew sometimes the school`s rumors got a little bit too ludicrous but that was too much and he refused to believe whatever nonsense lie Elena meant to share with him. “I don’t think so…” he said, trying to salvage whatever was left of the assaulted page of his assignment.

“It`s true!” she said ignoring the mess Merlin had made over his work “Everyone is talking about it! They say Arthur quickly got over the girl and now is back looking for someone else to squeeze and suck face with”

“Elena!”

“What? I`m just repeating what everyone else is saying right now”

“There is no point on being so graphic about it”

“Sorry Merlin, I didn’t know you were such a demure person”

“Who is being demure now?” Will asked, sitting by Elena`s side and opening a can of lemon soda. “Merlin” she said pointing like a five-year old to Merlin, sticking her tongue out with a mocking smile. “He doesn’t want to know how much Arthur sucks and squeezes with another girl”

Will made a face of discuss and took a zip of his can. “Dear lord Elena, no one wants to know that”

“You see? I`m not being demure about it” Merlin said, siding with his best friend.

“No offence Merlin but you can be a little bit prude about things” Will said without the usual half grin that made every insult lose its insulting facet. “I`m mean, is Arthur McPrat we are talking about… of course he was going to find another girl soon enough to keep on doing the dance-with-no-pants”. Merlin looked at Will`s direction, his friend pretending –or so he thought- not to notice his stare: since when Will`s prejudice act against Arthur had turned so foreign for him? He used to listen almost every day a new invented name for Arthur and even mocked the man himself. Now the thought of returning to such ways felt ancient and alien to him. “I mean… not looking to offend the people present” Will added obviously looking at Merlin.

“What?” he asked.

“He is your ward, right? Maybe you are too attached now to gossip about him” he said raising a tantalizing eyebrow at his direction.

“I always forget Merlin is Arthur`s tutor!” Elena said oblivious to the whole situation. “Has he mentioned anything to you about this new lady?” she asked in an innocent tone and with a heartfelt smile but Merlin didn’t care for it as Will continue to stare at him with his can on his mouth hiding a mockery grin on his lips.

“No” he said without locking apart his eyes from his friend. “I would not pay too much attention to it Elena” he added, getting up and picking his notebook and backpack. Once he was on his feet and had cleansed his clothes with the leftovers of the growing grass, he finally turned aside his sight from Will and smiled back at her “They are nothing but lies”

When he was already one meter away from the two of them, he heard Elena`s distinctive shout: “Sorry Merlin but he looks too smitten to be a lie!!” but he paid no attention to it.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was dying to ask because he was weak and nosy and he always ended up failing at the disposal of the crowd`s curiosity. It wasn’t as if he asking would be too extreme or strange from him, after all, he was still Arthur`s friend. Only friend, he found himself repeating with a proud smile and confused sensation on his belly; it was still a title he was struggling to cope with. A ball of paper made him lose his focus and looking at the source of the launch, Arthur was sitting on the floor of his room with a book open on his lap. His legs were crossed and Merlin rested on top of his own bed with his biology assignment restarted after the events early on the day.

The transition from spending the afternoons on the living room in front of the T.V. to Merlin`s room had gone by so smoothly, he wasn’t quite sure where he could pin point the first time they did it. Having Arthur there –unlike in the beginning of everything- didn’t felt off putting but simply right. Merlin didn’t want to admit it but every time the blonde man stepped inside his chambers, the black and white poster by the door that had always felt strange seemed to find its place with the rest. Not that he could ever admit that to Arthur… or even himself.

“… drooling” Arthur said, making him loose his focus a second time.

“What?” he asked, scratching his forehead and stretching out his legs.

“You are drooling Merlin, as in loosing saliva through the mouth” Arthur said imitating the path his fluid was probably doing when he had been lost in his head with a smile that made him look like a fool.

“Right” he said, cleaning his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie “Too many fluids I suppose”

“Merlin, in what universe would I like to know about your fluids?” Arthur asked.

“You were the one who noticed it” he said, sitting at the edge of his bed leaving his work a side. Arthur was still on the floor, now resting his head over his hand and looking at him as someone contemplating quite a human spectacle.

“Only because your chin was glistening with it” he said smiling.

“Right…” he said trying to ignore the smile Arthur was giving him. It only made matters even worse for him at that moment. A month ago, the idea of Arthur being in his room smiling at him like in a toothpaste commercial would have send Merlin unto a mental institution at the unlikelihood of the event. Now, Arthur smiled at him and Merlin saw it with complete freedom because they were friends, because he was the man`s only friend and he was smiling at him with fondness because that is what friends do to each other… but you know what else does friends do to each other? They tell to the other if they are “smitten” -to quote Elena-, they share their new found feelings for another person and they probably said to another if they are planning on shagging another girl even while the last one is expecting a child. That`s what friends do to each other.

A second ball of paper hit him on the face, this time the eye and a badly folded corner made him flinch with a sudden sting of pain. “Ouch” he said and before he could prevent a sudden display of touch, Arthur was by his side trying to hold back a laugh of it. When Merlin saw that the man wasn’t in fact dying of guilt after causing him this pain and that it was in fact, laughing at his misery… well, rest assure he didn’t find it funny at all. “I said Ouch you numb head” he said pushing Arthur to a side probably a little bit stronger than he intended it.

“Sorry” Arthur said pushing him back, obviously not getting the situation.

“I`m in pain now, leave me alone” Merlin said, pushing Arthur back again, this time getting up himself and moving to the window away from him.

“It was just a paper ball, don’t be such a girl Merlin!” he said laughing.

“Just shut up, alright?” he said, still feeling with his hand his bruised eye. Perhaps he was being a little over dramatic about the situation but he was angry and he didn’t feel like making excuses about it. He had thought he had a friend but apparently he had being wrong.

“What`s going on?” Arthur said and to Merlin`s dissatisfaction, he could sense the hint of concern on Arthur`s voice.

“Nothing” he said being the stubborn sixteen-year old child he was meant to be. Arthur kept quiet for a while before getting up from Merlin`s bed and walking to the door. For a second –and only for a brief one- Merlin thought that perhaps Arthur was leaving early, not wishing to deal with Merlin`s stubbornness and childlike behavior. Good, he thought remembering the times when he dreamt of the sight of Arthur crossing the main door leaving for the day…

The unexpected contact of the cold compress almost made him lose his balance and fall on his bum to the ground. When he reached for the end of the coldness, Arthur`s hand was holding the packet. “You`ll survive” he said without sounds. He went to his bed and started collecting the scattered papers that represent with sadness Merlin`s work of the day; he went through the pages, laughing and smiling probably at Merlin`s silly drawings of animals and anthropomorphic plants. Merlin had the compress over his left eye but saw with no problem Arthur stopping at the last page he had written on while he was at school. He raised the sheet in front of him with the clear sign that a pencil had fought its way to make all the way through it. “Passionate about biology isn’t?” he asked with a smile. He left the page a side with the rest and walk by to Merlin`s side again; he took the compress with his hands and examined his eye. “Slightly red but I think you can pull it through”

Merlin looked towards outside of his window. Arthur`s black Ferrari was parked outside the gate, as always looking off placed in the picture as if a spaceship had landed there but that would meant that such spaceship landed almost every day of the week from 5 to 9 at night. Now that he felt calmer than before and had Arthur`s full attention, looking at him with his diplomatic eyes and serious I-mean-business-face, the only thing Merlin had to do was find the proper words to open about the delicate topic of Arthur`s new sweetheart…

“So you have a new girlfriend, don’t you?”

Arthur took a step back from his side, looking at him as if he had said the most outrageous thing in the entire world. “Sorry… I have a what now?” he asked, tilting his head to a side and inspecting Merlin`s face with disbelief.

“A new girl… to… you know, suck faces with…”

Arthur closed his eyes and passing through his hand all over his face said “What are you even saying now? Did your eye go back into your skull?”

“Oh please Arthur, it`s fine, I won`t judge you”

“I don’t even know what are you talking about…” he said, sitting back over Merlin`s bed and looking at him with a continuous track of disbelief on his eyes “What new girl, what sucking faces, what are you talking about?”

“Everyone is talking about it at school; you have a new girlfriend… you look… smitten, they say” Merlin could literally felt the coherency disappearing from the conversation as the words came out of his mouth.

“So you are telling me this a rumor?”

“Well, is not like I heard it from you, isn’t?”

“Did you ever considered the small possibility that perhaps, since you didn’t listen it from me then maybe it`s _not_ true?” Arthur asked, raising both of his eyebrows making Merlin feel a like silly child. Of course he had considered such option, he wasn’t that much of a fool but… but in his head, there was a shred of truth on Elena`s words. Arthur was a different person; perhaps he was different because he had met a new girl. “How do these things even start floating around the place?” he asked, walking to Merlin and looking straight in the bruised eye.

“Well you know… someone notices something and then starts to tie around certain knots”

“Alright then, what were these clues? What gave me away?”

“They just said you act different now, like if you were smitten”

“Smitten? They actually used that noun, smitten?”

“They said you weren’t you usual self anymore…”

“And that would be?”

“You know… self-centered, I`m in charge of everything, I own every room I step inside… that type of usual self…”

Arthur started to laugh as Merlin kept on describing. “I sound like an ass-hole”

“Well, you kind of were… I mean are, I mean were… the thing is you are not the same anymore”

“I know and I`m glad, I feel different, better… I had a good month so far” he said giving Merlin what he could only assume was Arthur`s most glorifying smile of all. Suddenly, a strange sensation started to moved around his guts and he felt the odd necessity of leaving Arthur`s side immediately “Are you telling me it`s not true then?” he quickly asked.

“No, is not true Merlin” Arthur said.

“Right, good talk about your feelings then… I should go and have this check on the mirror before my mum comes back from work” he said, dispatching himself from Arthur`s side and leaving the man alone in his room.

He had to pour a good splash of cold water all over his face even though his eye immediately complained about it inside his skull. “Good month”, “Better” –“Smitten”- as if Merlin`s friendship could actually work miracles on the man.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He had been eating his lunch on the cafeteria the next day when Freya walked to his side and sat next to him. As she placed her tray on the table –mash potatoes and a questionable piece of chicken- she let go a notorious and very hearable sigh. “Bad day?” he asked almost half way through his own cucumber sandwich.

“I swear if I hear one more word about Arthur Pendragon and his new girlfriend, I may turn into a salvage beast and eat all of their heads” she said and Merlin believe without a shadow of a doubt her threat.

“Elena has being doing too much chattering about it?” he asked with his mouth full.

“Elena?” she asked with disbelief, “God, I wish it were Elena”

“What?”

“I`m talking about your best mate!”

“What? Will?” he asked, being his turn to speak on disbelief. No, that couldn’t be right, she had it wrong. Will? Chattering till the point of driving Freya up to exhaustation? The same Will that passed his days making fun of the man in question now passed his days gossiping about him? He turned to see Freya and she was staring back with clear signs of tiredness on her face. “I don’t understand”

“Okay…” she said turning into a more serious expression “It had being nice at first because we had something to talk about but now, is like, all the time about the same thing. Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t know anything else!”

Merlin tried to return her serious gaze but he didn’t last long and broke into a good old relaxing laugh which Freya obviously did not take very well. “I`m serious!” she said pushing him on the arm with more strength than Merlin had suspected she had. “I know you are being serious” he said back, sobbing his arm “That`s what makes it funny!”

“Stop laughing! What am I going to do about it?”

“You can always tell Will the truth” he said. Merlin remembered how things used to work around his best friend and the object of his affections; Will had told Merlin at the very beginning he was only faking a very convincing interest on the turmoil that the social life of the school caused because he could have something to talk to Freya. He wasn’t sure if the problem was because Will had got carried away too much about the part he was playing or that maybe, there was never a part to play. Maybe Will had been all his life a gossiping person living in secrecy from the rest of the world.

“I suppose is only fair that I tell him the truth, right?” she asked.

“Yeah and he can always go and gossip with Elena all that he wants to… who knows? Maybe something can happen between those two?” he asked, tantalizing the frail and tormented girl by his side. He may not be at his best with his friend but that didn’t mean he didn’t care about the real feelings of his crush. Perhaps if he could walk to him and share the glorious news that Freya felt the same way about him as he did, he could call it a peace offering and finally be at the same place once again.

“Do you think Will has feelings for Elena? Has he told you something about her?” she asked looking quite in distress for Merlin`s satisfaction –although that wasn’t a feeling worth sharing to the rest-. If there were any more doubts, they were quickly dismiss after listening to Freya`s fear of losing a single bit of Will`s attention. Good for his mate, he had been day dreaming about holding the girl`s hand for almost three years now and it was about time he get a happy ending.

“Well, that depends…” he said with a cunning smile. “Depends on what?” she asked clinging to his arm, looking for a satisfactory answer. “I think Will could actually have a shot with Elena” and he felt her tiny hands clutching tighter the sleeve of his jacket “… if she dye her hair brown, change her name to Freya and look like you” he said smiling at her.

“You are just saying that to mess with me!” she said hitting him on the face, again quite stronger than anybody could guess. He grabbed her hand up in the air and smiled at her, with the smile of a man that is telling the truth. “I swear I`m not” he said.

“I can`t believe you because it`s too good to be true” she said pouting her mouth as if the deal would cause a tantrum from a small child. “Well you know, sometimes things are too good to be believable but they still happen”

“Do you swear it?” she asked.

“I`ll cross my heart if I wasn’t protecting my face with my hand” he said and Freya send a second hit with her right hand unto Merlin`s face that he almost didn’t stop in time. Now he was holding both of her hands, staring at one another with smiles of bliss as consequences of learning a long-term held secret. Freya smiled knowing how much she had longed and hoped for that idea to be reality and Merlin could only smiled imagining the look of pure joy that his friend would have once he knew the true...

when Merlin looked at his right side and saw standing in front of the table at Will looking back at him and Freya`s gentle arms on his hands, the look of pure fire on his eyes didn’t look at all as how Merlin had imagined it. He instinctively dropped her arms to the floor, making her look at the same direction. Merlin assumed it had being the fact that she was staring at the crush which she have received the proper confirmation that he reciprocated her feelings that had made her blush but that may not had being as obvious as it had been to Merlin, for an outsider look.

Merlin didn’t have to be a psychic to get a very good idea of what was going through Will`s mind at the moment. He quickly stood up right as he was leaving and went after him because it was nothing but a big –and slightly twisted- misunderstanding that they will laugh about in five more minutes. He wanted to tell him that he and Freya could never be because she wanted him and he wanted… well, he could never want her in the same way. He wanted to explain the truth so he went after him and held his shoulder, making him turn at him. In retrospective, that may not have been the brightest of ideas.

The blow hit his nose in a spectacular fashion. It may not had been the strongest or worst he had received before but it could easily fill its way into the Top 10 –being the positions from 9 to 1 filled by Arthur`s steady fist of course-. His head went backwards and he felt himself dropping to the floor holding his soon-to-start-bleeding nose with his hands. “Will!” he heard from the background, knowing the expression of shock and disbelief that must be generating on Freya`s face at that moment. Will didn’t say a word and Merlin wasn’t entirely sure if he even looked at Freya`s position; all that he could see was the fire in the watery eyes of his friend. He got back on his feet, feeling the string of blood making its way to his upper lip and walked closer to him because a crowd had quickly formed around the two and the screaming it generated didn’t leave much room for a proper conversation. He wanted to go closer because he wanted for Will to listen the truth but the minute he had placed himself on the range of his fist, a second blow fall directly over his left cheek. Okay, now that was enough.

He tried to hit back at him but the second blow had left him slightly disorientated and he wasn’t quite sure where Will was even standing. He tried to swing at his face but all that his fist felt was thin air; he heard the distinctive drown of air that an arm makes when it`s being propelled backwards to draw some strength. He suspected this time it would hit him once again on his nose probably breaking it at last.

The third blow never landed and the voices that seemed to have surrounded the face-off suddenly went completely silent. The blood was still dripping from his nose when his eyes finally clear out and Merlin could see that Will`s fist never made past his own chest as Arthur was standing between them, holding with a steady grip the arm of his friend. He could see the struggle of his friend, trying to release his wrist from the hand of the blonde and for once, Merlin felt thankful of Arthur`s previous experience at handling Will`s physical abilities… but he wasn’t thankful of Arthur handling his friend as if he was a ragdoll and after all, this was their fight not his.

“Arthur… let him go” he said, now fully –slightly- recovered –bruised- and with the strongest and most intimidating voice –whisper- he managed to produce but he wasn’t looking at him. The blue eyes of the man were completely locked with Will`s gaze and his face made the evident signs that he was experiencing pain from his part. He may had a bloody nose because of him and a bruised cheek but this wasn’t Arthur`s fight and it wasn’t his business of going there and hurting his friend… that was his job now. “Arthur, let him go” he repeated now with a little bit more strength on his tone.

Arthur looked back at him for two seconds before finally letting the wrist down. Will immediately started to check his hands, clearly bruised itself after hitting Merlin twice and the crowd started to dissipate around the three of them. “Will…” Merlin said hoping Arthur`s moment of control would have given him an opportunity to calm himself and look more clearly the situation. “Freya…” but he never got the chance to finish.

“Don`t talk to me you traitor” Will said and Merlin could see how a small -almost invisible- tear was starting to form on the corner of his friend`s eye. “Don’t ever fucking talk to me again you… you… fruit cake ass!!” he said, giving Merlin a final shove before leaving him there next to Arthur. When Merlin turned around Freya had disappeared too and he was left there alone with a bloody face and a half eaten sandwich.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“You don’t have to do this” he said as Arthur handed him over the fifth tissue for his nose. They were on Arthur`s car and he had his head leaned backwards even though he knew the bleeding had already stopped. “Really Arthur, is not necessary” he said straightening his head and taking out the used tissues from his nostrils. “I`m fine now” he said smiling with a mouth covered on dry blood but Arthur didn’t seem to listen because he handed him over four more new ones. “I`m telling you I`m fine, is not like is my first nose bleed” he said and he was right, Arthur had given him worst ones in the past but he wasn’t going to mention that even though he knew Arthur was thinking about it at that same time.

“Here” he said and gave him a bottle of water he was keeping under the driver`s seat. “Clean your… chin” he said pointing at what could only look like the remains of a carnage on his lower face. He poured a splash of water and cleaned his chin while Arthur seemed to look for something inside his backpack: it was a brown letter purse that look wiser than all of Merlin`s teachers combined and he snorted for it, making him poured some water over his t-shirt. Now with water and a hint of his blood, the shirt was doomed to become a new pajama top. “God…” Arthur said, leaving his bag a side and giving Merlin the entire box of tissues. “How do you even function in real life?” he asked him.

“I get by” Merlin said drying his shirt as Arthur went back to the inside of his bag. “I didn’t know you had a bag like that” he said.

“Like what?” Arthur answered without raising his eye from the inside. His hands seemed to be going through an endless parade of papers and pens; Merlin wondered how many things a man could possible fit inside one medium size briefcase as such. Perhaps it was a magical purse, perhaps Arthur was Marry Poppins and he was one of the Banks kids he was forced to care every day. Merlin thought that if he was one of the Banks` kids then he was destined to have some serious daddy issues. “Like a normal bag… I don’t think I`ve ever see you carrying it at school” he said, taking a sip from Arthur`s bottle.

“What do you think I did with my books and notebooks then Merlin? Did you think I carried them inside my pretentious ass every day?” he asked.

“Nah… you are ass was never big enough” he said, stopping a second later to realized what he just said. It didn’t matter what had happened before, he was most certainly not having a conversation inside Arthur`s car about the size of his ass… a part of the blonde man`s body he most certainly had never paid attention at all before.

“Not like yours, right?” Arthur said making Merlin almost inhale the entire content of the bottle. Okay, maybe Arthur was trying to turn this into a conversation of asses inside his car but Merlin wasn’t going to comply at him.

“You wish you had mine” he said, instantly biting back his lower lip and closing his eyes. Perhaps he was complying slightly at Arthur`s dynamic but at least he had been the one who brought it up in the first place; it had been Arthur the one wanting to talk about asses, a topic that did not matter to Merlin even in the slightest. “Alright” Arthur said before Merlin could keep on adding words unto the discussion. “Here, keep it” he said as he gave him a new bottle of his own hand sanitizer.

“Coconut with a hint of lime” the label read and Merlin was surprised, he always thought it was the other way around. “I thought it was lime with coconut” he said and Arthur gave him the look he used when Merlin stopped making too much sense or began to rambled which in his case, was almost all the time they talk. “Use it” Arthur said, placing his bag back on the backseats. “I don’t want your mother angry at me because you died from an infection on your face”

“Is that why you use it?” he said cleaning his hands with the –enjoyable- scent. “Too scare of dying with a mortal infection?”

“Shut up Merlin” he said and stepped out of the car into the quiet drizzle that was forming outside. “Get out”

“Oh c`mon! I`m sorry, I didn’t mean to tease you” he said grabbing unto the seat as if it was life itself.

“Is not that” Arthur said walking into his side of the car and opening the door. Merlin felt the shy drops of water upon his face as the wind was flowing on his direction. Merlin stepped outside and felt the coldness instantly touching the back if his head; he was wearing after all a t-shirt and a brown jacket that only covered his shoulders. “Let`s go” he said and started to walk, Merlin following him behind.

“Where are we going?” he asked and for a moment, he thought that perhaps Arthur felt a little bit reckless and was going back to look for Will for a second round but he didn’t answer. “Wait Arthur” he said making the man stop at his feet just as he was reaching over the door. “Where are we going?”

“You need to eat so we are going to buy you some food” he said making full stops between every word. “What?” he asked, “I already ate” Merlin said.

“A half eaten cucumber sandwich does not constitute a proper lunch, Merlin” he said crossing his arms over his chest.

“Wait… how do you know I didn’t finish my lunch? How do you even know what I was eating?” Dear lord, did Arthur have magical powers? Dear lord, did Arthur was in fact Mary Poppins?

“I was at the cafeteria and I saw you and your girlfriend, big deal” he answered humping his shoulders up. If Arthur`s words would have been a picture, he would have to do a double take on them: Arthur had been on the cafeteria looking at him… wait no, priorities Merlin, that wasn’t the most important piece of information.

“Freya is not my girlfriend!!” he said probably louder than normal. He started to laugh as Arthur looked at him, confused frowning his symmetrical forehead. “She`s not?” Arthur asked, giving him the Merlin-you-are-not-making-too-much-sense stare. “No!” he said; Freya was a great girl but unless she went some serious surgical work, she could never be Merlin`s type but of course, Arthur couldn’t know that. “But your friend hit you because he thought that?”

“Yep”

“But it`s not true?”

“Nope”

“But you still haven’t eaten yet, right?”

“Nope”. Arthur kept quiet for a couple more seconds before finally realizing his biceps from their mortal hug and patted Merlin on the shoulder with a new found smile on his face. “Right then. Let`s go and buy you something” he said.

There could have been many things Merlin could have thought as he stepped for the first time the halls of his school by Arthur`s side. He could have thought how hungry he actually was; he could have thought the girl that looked at his bloody shirt wasn’t that pretty. He could have thought it was the first time the outside world –besides his mother- witness the friendship of Pendragon and Emrys.

His mind could have drifted to so many different places but all he could think about in those seconds was how terrible right Elena had been all alone: Arthur did have a new girl on his life and by the love of everything that was bizarre, it had been Merlin all alone.

Great, he thought, now he was Arthur`s bitch.


	7. Piazza, New York Catcher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play  
> Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?  
> We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay  
> We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell  
> About the saddest book you ever read  
> It always makes you cry  
> The statue's crying too and well he may

It was Mithian`s third trimester clinical check-up and she had called his mother to go  with her and face the dreadful perpetually raised eyebrow of her OB. Merlin didn’t know the man`s full name but he had listened to his mother making certain enquires and making sure Mithian get the attention from the best doctor in the city; the name sounded more like a rare and obscure medicinal plant than an actual name, something with a G and a U in the middle but he never paid too much attention when his mother got into “Social care vigilante mode”. He had been watching a three hour long documentary on Monty Phyton when the doorbell interrupted his zombie-like state. He didn’t get up from the couch and wait for whoever dared to interrupt his important Friday-morning-plans-when-school-was-close would leave him alone. He considered turning down the volume and pretending he wasn’t even there but that seemed too much effort given that the remote was on his belly and not on his hand; he had hoped that the unwanted visitor would eventually leave but the incessant noise from the door eventually made him cave in and he got up, not happy at all.

“Arthur?” he asked befuddled once he opened the door and the blonde man had gotten inside the living room, looking as if he had seen either a monster or Merlin`s hair in the mornings –a sight himself didn’t recommend to anyone, not even his own mother-. He had assumed Arthur was with Mithian and his mother over the doctor`s office and was certainly not expecting any type of visitors, enough proof was the fact that it was near noon and he was still on his pajamas and with the dry marks of his saliva from the night before near his mouth. “What are you doing here?” he asked but he didn’t answer him.

“Can I use your bathroom?” he said instead and Merlin, still perplex and still with dry saliva on his mouth, nodded at him. He looked outside to the house`s entrance and saw Arthur`s car parked outside. If the vintage Ferrari was waiting for his owner here, then how did his mother and Mithian made it to the doctor`s office? Arthur could be slightly cold-hearted but he would never make a six month pregnant woman walk around the city in winter.

“Wait? Did you drive here?” he said, going up the stairs and standing besides the bathroom`s closed door.

“I had to use the bathroom” Arthur said from the other end.

“Your house is thirty minutes away from here; did you drive all that just to use the bathroom? I thought the manor had like, 40 bathrooms all over the place and you chose to come to my very shitty one?”

“Merlin, believe it or not, I don’t feel very comfortable sustaining a conversation with you while I`m inside here” he said and Merlin noticed the subtle hints that Arthur didn’t want to talk about it while he was in. So he gave the man some space while he did his things and went back to the living room to watch the documentary. Arthur reappeared two minutes later and sat by his side on the couch. Merlin knew he had to say something for the sake of following any logic but any question he envisioned were meddling and impractical.

“Did you do a number one or two?” he asked instead, certain that that was a polite question to break the silence between them. Arthur looked at him with his face of I-think-there-is-something-clinically-wrong-with-you and Merlin smiled. “Well, we can either discuss your bowel`s movements or you can tell me what you are doing here” he said. Arthur sighed and sat more openly on the couch; he looked tired and sleepy and Merlin felt the same way, although he was certain it was for different reasons.

“I saw the car outside” he ventured at keep asking him, pointing through the window. “I hope you didn’t let my mother walk back home with this cold” but the only reaction he got from the man was that he rubbed his face franctly with both of his hands. “You seem sleepy, want some coffee?” Merlin thought that if perhaps he kept on talking, eventually Arthur would understand that questions were meant to be answered at some point. “Or maybe not coffee, maybe a soda with caffeine?”

Arthur just left his head leaned backwards on the upper support of the couch, staring at the ceiling. “Maybe you are not even sleepy, so you may want some tea then?”

“Merlin…”

“Coffee, soda, tea, water, scotch?”

“Just shut up, alright?”

“Fine” he said and returned the volume back on the documentary. If Arthur wanted to play that game, he was about to play it with the best at childlike behavior and Merlin had no intention of loosing. When he stole a side glance at his right and saw Arthur with his eyes closed, he turned up the volume almost all the way and waited for something incredible to happen. Arthur`s eyes opened instantly and Merlin could even see a small vein forming around his forehead. “Merlin…” he said whispering, feeling the rage filling his voice at a slow but constant pace.

“Sorry, can`t hear you” he said, gesturing his ear and turning up the volume to the fullest until the bar couldn’t grow anymore. “Merlin…” he repeated slightly louder but Merlin didn’t reply and gave instead the most fake laughter in the history of all phonies. “Merlin, I swear that if you…” but he didn’t get the chance to finish because Merlin switched channels just in time for Top Gear to almost crash a truck, making the six-pair of wheels squeal in the highest of pitches. “Merlin!” he finally said, snapping from his state of unconsciousness and grabbing Merlin by the arm, making him turn unto his direction. “Sorry?” Merlin asked putting the T.V. finally on mute “Did you say something to me?”

If he had been uncertain about Arthur`s rising vein before, there was no room for doubts now that he was face to face with him. Merlin hold unto the homicidal stare Arthur was giving him at that moment, trying not to laugh too loud replicating the serious face Arthur used to give him when he was being too annoying. He wasn’t sure when had been the turning moment but at some point, his eyes when from Arthur`s forehead to the man`s icy-blue-eyes and he felt strange on his stomach. He could forget sometimes how piercing those eyes could be when they meant it; he felt his throat strangely dry and his palms slightly sweatier than before. He had held Arthur`s staring contests several times before over the last two months, always losing after a couple of seconds because his eagerness to laugh always won over his resolution to win at him but now, he found himself unwilling to let those eyes go. He laughed awkwardly because he didn’t have much to do except wait for Arthur to look aside and when he finally did it, Merlin felt something that he wasn’t sure how to catalogue. “You don’t like loud noises because you are hangover or something?” he asked once he noticed the silence had been far too long for his taste.

“I don’t like loud noises because I`m a normal human being” he said looking once again tired and sleepy.

“If you said so” They remained there in silence once again, Merlin changing back the channel to the documentary and Arthur looking outside of the window. Merlin had never been too good and handling long awkward silences because they made him feel as… well, awkward. “Merlin…” Arthur said after what it felt like the longest two minutes in the history of mankind. “It`s almost noon and you are still looking like a homeless person”

“Excuse me but it`s called having a sense of style”

“Noooo” he said “I`m pretty sure it`s called having no direction in life”

“And what do you know about style anyway?” he said, looking at him because now Arthur had made it personal: nobody messed with his pajamas-wearing policy. “What`s that suppose to mean?” Arthur asked.

“You were the same clothes all the time”

“Where did you get that?”

“From the gift of sight genius… every since I can remember you had always wore the same things: blue or red t-shirt, black jacket, black trousers. That is your entire range: three colors”

“I didn’t know you paid that much attention to my wardrobe” Arthur said smiling at him. Merlin meant to laugh at such idiocy but all he could manage to produce was a ball of spit exiting his mouth with cero to no dignity left. “You wish” he said saving the none-existing dignity he could hold on to. Arthur took the remote from his palm and if he felt the sweat that had build up from before, he didn’t mention it. He started to switch all the channels, not letting one for more than five seconds until he made all the way back to the documentary; they sat there in silence for some good ten minutes before the silence became unbearable for Merlin again.

“Arthur, what are you doing here?” he finally asked.

“What? I`m always here” Arthur said with his eyes fixed on the T.V. screen.

“Fine, don’t tell me, enjoy the program” he said. Merlin got up from the couch and made all the way to the kitchen; he had to shake off the annoying feelings on his legs and stomach, still the picture of Arthur`s eyes deep set on his retina. He listened to the interview go on for another two minutes before the T.V. was finally off and Arthur`s steps got closer to the kitchen door. Merlin washed his hands on the cold water, hoping the sweat would ran off and took advantage to wash his face. Once Arthur was standing at the door, he felt a lot cleaner.  “At least you cleaned your face” he said with a grin and his arms crossed. Fine, if he wasn’t going to talk than Merlin wasn’t going to cooperate. He left the kitchen and was prepare to make his way back to his room when Arthur stopped him, grabbing his arm. Merlin didn’t want to look at Arthur again, he had finally dried his hands from their sweat and looking at Arthur made him feel off-placed like his Moldy Peaches poster.

“Sorry” Arthur said, letting Merlin`s arm go. At first, when everything had started Merlin used to have serious problems trying to read Arthur`s expressions but now he had more practice on the subject even though sometimes, a couple of looks or frowns escape his analysis. But now there was no room for any sort of doubt: Arthur showed him the face of a man that is in desperate need of a hug… the problem was, Merlin had never been good at those moments, never been ready to show actual care for somebody else. What could he do? There it stand in front of him someone in distress –and not just a regular someone but also his friend- and Merlin could feel the itching on his body, as if something bigger than him was begging him to do something about it, to hug the man damn it!

Merlin grabbed his hand and felt instantly Arthur`s body tensed up at the touch so he let his hand go and felt completely stupid about himself. Arthur was right: he was a world class idiot sometimes.

“Sorry” he mumbled and didn’t stay waiting for a reply; he just went up the stairs and locked the door of his room. He felt sick on his stomach.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was face deep inside his pillow when he heard the creek his door made when somebody opened it; he felt the weight of someone sitting in the far away edge of the bed but besides that, there was no other sound and if Merlin had kept his eyes close, he could have swear he was there alone. But he wasn’t because Arthur was there and Merlin still felt like the biggest idiot in the world just remembering the touch on the palm of his hand. He wasn’t sure but perhaps things could be a lot easier for him –and for Arthur- if he just left; he wasn’t even supposed to be there at that moment anyway.

“Why you didn’t go to the doctor Arthur?” he asked with half his face still buried by the cover of his pillow. He was prepared to face another wall of silence from the other side so when he listened to his words, he readjusted himself on the bed and saw the silent tear coming down from the man`s sculptured face.

“I did go” he said as if he didn’t notice the string on his eye “I saw it” he said with a sad smile “The baby was right there on the screen and Mithian was crying and your mum as well and…”

“What?” he asked now fully sat on the edge of the bed next to Arthur.

“I didn’t feel a thing” he said, looking at Merlin as if he had lost something but didn't know what it was. Merlin`s heart flinched at the sight and once again felt the compulsion to do something; he could have give every shred of his skin to make that look disappear from Arthur`s face. “It was right there, it was a living creature… it even has feet” he said and a couple of more tears dropped down his face but he didn’t notice them as well. “Am I so death inside that the sight of my own child can`t move me?” he asked.

Merlin felt the itch of his own tears menacing to come down his face but he didn’t want to look like that to Arthur because the man was in pain and he needed someone strong by his side and if that man had to be Merlin by default then so be it. “You are not death Arthur, you are feeling right now” he said holding back his tears.

“What?” he asked confused so Merlin had to clean one of his tears with his own hand and showed it to Arthur. “You are not death” he repeated as Arthur`s eyes locked in disbelief over his finger.

“My father was there” Arthur said after a couple of seconds in a silence Merlin didn’t have the courage to break. “He told me he didn’t care but he was there; Mithian showed him the photo and he smiled. I don’t think anyone else noticed it but I did. He swore on my life he wouldn’t have anything to do with any of this but even he felt something and now he`s with your mum and Mithian back in the manor and I`m here…” Merlin didn’t know what else to say; he felt that repeating to Arthur he wasn’t death wasn’t the type of support he needed it at the moment but that was all he had to him: words of affection.

He grabbed his hand again, ignoring the revolting sensation his stomach made inside of him and the sweat on his palm. He wasn’t sure how could he react if Arthur tensed up at his contact again, wasn’t sure if he could actually deal with it but he had worse issues than Merlin to worry him about his insecurities. He couldn’t say if he felt surprise or not when Arthur not only didn’t flinch at his own hand but also, grabbed him back with a tender touch. “Why are you nice to me, Merlin?” he asked but he didn’t had an answer for it because trying to come up with one will involve some deep thinking and he was slightly scare of what he could encountered inside his head and heart. He shrugged his shoulders and smile when Arthur smiled back. This felt right for him and he could only hope it would felt right for Arthur as well.

“You wanna hear something stupid?” he asked, still holding unto him. “Always” Merlin replied getting a second smile from the man.

“I didn’t want to go to Acestir…”

“Why?” he asked even though he had an idea of what the answer was going to be.

“I didn’t want to travel all that way to see someone who was more fit to raise my own child” he answered. “Those three days were nothing but a reminder of how ill fitted I was to be a father”

“You are not ill fitted to be a father Arthur, you are just too young for it” he replied.

“Well, is not like I necessary had the best role model on the subject. Sometimes I feel so lucky Mithian decided to give the baby away and I know I`m selfish for thinking it but… I would have end up hating the kid like my father does”

“Your father doesn’t hate you Arthur” he said holding tighter to his hand; he smiled quietly when the other held it stronger as well.

“You don’t know him” he said. “But he went there” Merlin replied. “He can`t hate you if he actually went there”

“He probably went to make sure I didn’t ruin everything. He thinks I`m his biggest failure and this baby didn’t give me any points on my favor” he said with a sad smile Merlin felt the need to erase with every inch of his body.

“It was an accident Arthur. Everyone makes accidents”

“But they don’t have monumental ones like I do. Everyone can fucked up things for once in a while but when I do it, I fucked things badly!” he said letting Merlin`s hand go and getting on his feet. Arthur started to pace around the room, in front of Merlin`s bed and he remained there sitting and watching quietly. He wasn’t sure what could he say to calm the man down; he wasn’t sure neither why but there was a mark of heat left in his hand after the other had giving it back.

“But you pulled back” he found himself saying without really thinking about it, it was something he felt to blurt out to him. “What?” Arthur asked, stopping in front of him and Merlin stood up placing his face in front of his. “Okay, yes… you fucked up, you fucked up badly but at least you managed it. You picked up your own mess and got it together!”

“Do you think I have it together Merlin? Do you think this is me pulling my shit from the dirt?”

“You think that that is something that happens from one night to the other? It`s hard Arthur! It`s the hardest thing you can do for yourself because you keep falling down, you keep stumbling on your toes all the time but it doesn’t matter how many times you fall… it only matters that you keep standing up!”

“You told yourself that every time I hit you?” he asked and Merlin could not only see another set of tears coming down Arthur`s eyes but also his own string falling down. He had tried to be strong for Arthur but he had a limit, especially since the man was right. His mum had told him that the first time he had returned home with his face all bruised up and he had never forgotten it. He didn’t reply at him and nodded; suddenly, looking at Arthur`s eyes felt wrong and sickly. A tear couldn’t hold itself back on his eyes and he felt it going on a free fall on his cheek.

Now it was Arthur`s turn to catch his tears. Merlin wanted to smile at him but he couldn’t bring himself together to see him on the face.

“Merlin…” Arthur said on a whisper and Merlin got no other choice but to look at him. Arthur`s eyes seemed to glisten with the curtain of tears that formed itself over them and Merlin felt as if he was about to faint. This wasn’t supposed to be happening at him; he had planned so long everything on his future. He was going to leave Ealdor behind him; he was going to close himself from the rest because there could never anyone for him in a small conservative town like this. He was meant to stay alone as long as he lived there and he was fine with it; he had made peace at the thought of not experiencing what everyone else felt every day. He was alright at not feeling what Will felt for Freya, what Gwen had with Lance and even what Percival and Gwaine had to share in secret. It was his penitence and he dealt with it in silence. “Merlin… do you like me?” Arthur asked and a part of him screamed inside for him to lie because the minute he would give the truth away, then there would be no point back.

“Yes” he said in a whisper and he feared Arthur might not had listened to it.

But he did.

Arthur heard him.

One word that wrote itself in the wall of his room; inside the words that his posters showed and in the air between him and Arthur. He did and he couldn’t deny it because it was stupid and childish: he liked Arthur, he really did, he dreamt with him and he like the smell he left on his room every time he leave in the night. And in that moment it didn’t matter that Arthur may never like him back, that Arthur may leave him there forever to never return because once it was all out, Merlin stopped feeling sick and the peace he thought he had lost when everything had started finally returned to his chest.

But then Arthur didn’t say anything back at him and left him there, alone on his room and Merlin felt his entire world crumbled around his feet...

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

His mother found him on his bed, still dressed and without any food on his body since before noon. The clock marked seven in the afternoon and the sky seemed dark outside his window but he didn’t care.

“I see you have a productive day” she said while stepping in, picking up his scattered clothes and closing down the curtain from his face. He didn’t feel with the strength to move or reply; he didn’t feel with the strength to do much more that keep on lying there in silence. So of course, Hunith picked up something was wrong immediately. “Love, what`s wrong?” she asked caressing his tussle hair and sitting next to him on the bed.

“How was the doctor?” he asked putting on a brave face that most certainly did not look brave at all, but it was worth the shot.

“I don’t care about that now, I want to know what happened” she replied. Merlin smiled even though he didn’t feel like to but he had to give it to his mother; if there was somebody on this god forsaken town that could love him back, it had to be her.

“Nothing happened” he replied and his mother let go of his hair.

“I hope you tell me when you feel ready” she said and kissed him on the temple. The warmness of her face made Merlin shiver as he was just realizing he was still only wearing a t-shirt in winter. “I`ll bring you some cup of tea, alright?” she asked even thought she didn’t wait there for an answer.

Merlin got up and sat on the edge of his bed, trying –and failing- at ignoring how much he had enjoyed that same position only hours before on the day. The mark of heat he had felt on his hand by then was long gone and he felt cold all over his body. When his mother returned with the cup on her hands, he welcomed it gladly and took a giant sip of English Breakfast. He didn’t feel better but he certainly felt warmer inside so it was a start.

“I found this on the table” she said and handed him over a very wrinkled piece of paper Merlin could recognized came from the notebook he had left down that morning. He recognized the handwritten in front of him but he left it a side. “I`m going to call him” she said.

“Mum…”

“I am and I`m going to tell him he can`t come back here”

“Mum, you can`t do that. He can`t stay at his place, he is miserable there” he said feeling the little strength in his body leaving him as he spoke.

“Oh, my love” she said, grabbing his hand and kissing him on the cheek “He only came here because you made him feel at home”

He moved his head from side to side; that couldn’t be the truth because he had left. Arthur had left, he had put himself out there completely exposed and he had left him there. He felt naked suddenly and vulnerable, like a small child that had just being giving his first punch in the face. “Go to bed darling. Tomorrow is going to be a new day” she said as she took with her the empty cup from his petrified hands.

“Yes” he thought as he got inside the covers of his bed. “A whole new day and no sign from Arthur ever again”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was waiting for Will to return from the cafeteria with their meals; he had given him some money and was expecting for his best friend to return with a bag of chips and a couple of bottles of soda. He was hungry and he felt his guts screaming inside of him. Some other kids were playing around him, pretending to be the greatest football players in the world while around every corner a new group of friends settled around to talk and eat. One of the kids playing –some bloke with long brown hair- scored and started to run around the field; a second one –a kid with a sleeveless shirt and short light hair- went after him and hug him through his back. They both smiled at each other and he smiled at the sight: it seemed nice to show how much you could care for your friend. He knew he could never do that to Will because Will would toss him to the floor but he didn’t take it too personal, he knew Will didn’t like great displays of affection and he was okay with it.

Although sometimes he wished he could hug someone the way those two did and not feel weird about it. He remembered when he had been younger than now and he had seen a boy sitting alone when his mother had taken him for a walk to play on the city`s only park. The boy was drawing on a book of his and to him he had the cutest lips he had ever seen; he saw him there and felt the impulse to smile at himself, his belly fussy and perky. When he had come back home with his mother, he asked her why did he felt that why and she had told him there were just some people that clicked with others, that sometimes we saw down the street someone who we were bound to feel connected as if it was magic.

He asked her if he could ever feel that magic ever again or if that boy had taken it with him; she smiled and held his hand tighter: “You will feel the magic always floating around you and every time will feel like the first time”. He wanted to ask what did that was supposed to mean but he kept quiet; he was tired after spending the whole day outside and wanted to go home and sleep forever.

He saw Will exiting the main building with the food on his hand and his mind drifted from the boy in the park to the boy in the yard. He may not know anyone else in his entire lifetime but he was okay with it: Will was his only best friend in the entire world and there was nothing that would keep them apart from the other.

A girl sat at his right –curly hair and violet dress-, she smelled nice and was holding a doll dressed like a princess on her hands. She seemed to be mumbling some story for herself as Merlin stopped paying attention. Soon Will was sitting beside him and they were eating quietly their poor lunches while watching the second term of the match. The boy with the sleeveless shirt was running around the entire field, not sharing the ball while another one –dark hair wearing some sort of hat that should have resembled a helmet- ran behind him, chasing him down holding an empty toilet paper roll. “Stop on the name of your king!” the boy screamed and the other laughed and ran harder in response. The girl at his right was still telling a story –something about a princess and her maid going for a journey- when she suddenly felt quiet and he wondered if perhaps something wrong had happened to her. Will didn’t seem to notice nothing odd but when he looked to her side, he followed her line of sight and saw as he entered, the boy with a hair as light as the sun.

He was certain he had never seen him before; he didn’t think it was even possible to forget a face like that for too long. For him, the world seemed to draw to a full stop even when for the rest, everything seemed normal. The girl quickly carried on with her tale, the match kept on going as the boy with the roll started to hit the one with long hair and Will kept on eating his chips.

Kids running, kids talking but for him, the world was frozen.

He was walking to a side of the match alone, staring at the boys playing and with a face that clearly indicated he wanted to play too; he wondered if the boy`s emotions were always so easy to read for the rest. He had heard the expression before –“an open book”- and he assumed the blonde embodied perfectly; he felt somehow sad for him, surely he held no secrets for anyone and wondered why didn’t he ask permission to play with the others.

He felt as if he had been seen the same figure for an entire lifetime and perhaps a couple more when suddenly, the ball materialized in front of his face and hit him on the nose. He fall to the ground as the others started to laugh around him; he felt like crying and screaming, wanting to find the nearest place to hide. Even Will was chuckling next to him, telling him to “get up” and stop making a fool of himself; “everyone is watching” he had said and “everyone was laughing” he thought. He got up as he could and cleaned his clothes, his bag of chips ruined on the dusty floor by the ball. He heard a flock of voices around him, some of them asking him to return the ball while the rest laughed and called him names he couldn’t understand fully. He kicked the ball back at its source and sat back on his spot; Will told him he wasn’t going to share his chips and that he had to drink his soda alone today. The threat of tears had somehow normalized before he could notice and the world resumed its own pace. He looked up and the boy with blonde hair was looking at him with a smile on his face, surely he had been laughing at him like the rest. He didn’t feel like watching him anymore as he didn’t feel like staying there again.

He said goodbye to Will but he didn’t seem to care, too focused on the game and his own food, and he walked away from there.

He was entering the building when he heard a voice calling for someone behind him. Since no one ever called for him, he ignored it and kept on walking until a hand hit him on the head –not too strong to actually cause any pain-; he turned his head back and the blonde boy was there, in front of him and smiling with all of his teeth in full displayed. He wondered if perhaps he had practiced that move before because it looked so natural on his face.

“Sorry I don’t know your name” he said, still smiling and still mesmerizing.

“What?” he asked, confused and wondering if perhaps everything was an illusion. The boy even had a comfortable and nice voice to go alone when the rest of the place was silent.

“Is your name “what”?” he asked. He didn’t answer as he felt he was in a cloud up in the sky send there by a pair of lips engrossing white teethes of snow. Once he didn’t say anything else, the boy searched inside his pocket and took out a packet of chocolate biscuits. “I don’t like eating too much” he said. His eyes were locked in the boy`s entire presence, drifting through his face to his hand and to his face again. “Here” the other said, placing the packet on his hand and closing his fingers around it. Why his body wasn’t functioning properly at that moment? He assumed it was a consequence of the blow to the head he had received before.

The boy gave him a final smile before turning back, leaving to the outside of the school; as he opened the door and the noise of the outside world entered the place, he turned back at him and screamed: “Bye _W_ _hat_!”. He closed the door and he was left there, one packet of cookies in hand and a strange feeling on his stomach.

As he walked back to his home that day he knew that his mother had been right: the magic was always floating and who ever that boy had been, he had lots and lots of it. He could feel it in his blood, a sudden click of perfect synchrony…

 

Merlin woke up and realized he wasn’t ten anymore. He had eaten the packet of biscuits long time ago and now everything felt decay and distant but he knew that no matter how many times Arthur could walk away from him, he would always have that smile on the school`s hall and the sweet taste the chocolate had left on his mouth.

It wasn’t a perfect solution but it was a nice start for whatever was coming next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face  
> I love you my responsibility has found a place  
> Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words  
> Come wave upon me from the wider family net absurd  
> "You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"  
> Maybe, but not what she deserves


	8. So nice, so smart

When the baby was about to enter its seventh month, Hunith told Merlin Morgana and Morgause were planning on coming to Ealdor to visit Mithian and Arthur for a couple of days. She seemed excited about it, meaning the adoption process was quite definitive and Merlin made sure he could smile for his mother`s sake. He kept on reading his book after that and then went to bed at almost nine pm; he had a dreamless sleep that lasted some methodical eight-hours and woke up for a new day with nothing else to say to anybody else. It was a Tuesday morning, marking the second week he had been following the same grey and dull routine. It wasn’t a perfect style of living but Merlin didn’t worry too much about it; school only had two months left in store for him and then he would be out of everything.

At the beginning of the school year he had considered without too much seriousness the idea of moving alone to Camelot –the grand old big city- for a year to have a sense of what it was to be a responsible human being but in fact he never took it too seriously. Will used to tease him saying that once he would be gone, he would never return after discovering the wonders of enjoying the single life in a big city all by himself and Merlin laughed at it because a part of him actually longed for such life style. Now Merlin could only envisioned moving away to Camelot and never coming back as the only exit for the dullness his life had acquired lately. He didn’t longed for the city and the streets Camelot promised as a new prospect for his future but he saw it instead, as a valid exit for him. The _only_ exit to be more accurate.

He took a shower under the warm water and went to his bedroom to get dress and ready for a new day at school. He wasn’t sure how it had happened but suddenly he had become one of those people who was always ready before time and who had more than enough minutes to kill while waiting to reach a rational time to arrive at school. Merlin looked at the clock: almost eight o`clock sharp, school would not open until another hour so he sat by the bed, staring at his posters. His book was by his pillow but he didn’t feel like finishing the latest adventure of Poirot –he was suffering a strange craving for Christie lately- and he felt his hand numb from the long exposure to the stream of water. He undid his backpack for the third time when he saw the clock was ticking eight-twenty in the morning only. He sighed in frustration, not feeling tired just bored and didn’t notice his English notebook slipping to the floor and under his bed. When he went after him, he found it tuck next to a wrinkled piece of paper he had forgotten about.

The handwritten words hadn’t disappeared so far and Merlin held it closely to himself before tossing it away to the trash. When he tucked his English notebook back inside his backpack, a sheet of paper slipped from the inside and unto his bed; Merlin sighed with frustration, was it too much to ask for things to stay in their place forever and ever? He felt he wasn’t truly asking for that much.

He picked the sheet up and looked at it: it was a draft for his composition of The Tempest. He had done really god with his grade but he had almost forgot about it at all – _somebody_  had done better that same day and he had been too busy celebrating while drinking some fancy soda from the store but he didn’t think about that-. His words were scribbled all around the sheet and he smiled at reading his ridiculous ideas on how everything made much more sense if it was gender-bend until his eyes locked on a side-note at the end of the page. Merlin knew it was the same handwriting as before but even when his body was aching at the sight, he couldn’t help himself:

“ _Awake, dear heart, awake. Thou hast slept well. Awake_ ”.

It didn’t mean anything; it couldn’t mean a single thing. Merlin repeated himself that until the words stop having a real meaning on his head and they felt empty and dead. It was a quote and nothing more, he kept on saying; words another man had wrote down centuries before him  and they weren’t as good as everyone thought about it. Okay now that was an actual lie because he would give his first born to Shakespeare if he had the chance but everything else was nothing but a construction of his imagination… like everything else that had happened before, there was nothing real in there. It was only Prospero calling for his daughter to wake up after she took a nap, what real meaning could such words actually hold for him?

His eyes drifted to the paper trash at his left and then to the clock on top of his night stand: eight-twenty five. The day was still young –even when he felt old- and his hand reached out for the paper inside the trash bin. He may not deserve many things on this world but he did deserve some sense of closure for his short-term friendship. He opened it and read:

“ _I`m sorry you found yourself inside this terrible nightmare that has become of my life; I`m sorry I can`t be the friend you deserve. I`m sorry I will never be the man you wish I could be; I`m sorry you had such high hopes for me and I ended up disappointing but that is what I`m good at. I`m sorry that for two months you weren’t my friend but my best friend and the only person who has ever showed me the wonders of having someone by my side even when I didn’t need it… I`m sorry it had been your job to showed me this and I`m sorry I didn’t know how great everything would be beforehand so I would have seized more of every second._

_If I had known how precious your life was, I would have never put you through this, I would have let you fight me the next time I hit you in the face. I would have let you defeat me because I deserved it. I deserved someone like you Merlin, I needed someone who would call me on my shit and stick next to me even so._

_Now I know there`s someone out there who did it for me once and I`m grateful I met you but I`m sorry it couldn’t last._

_Good dreams never do after all._

_A_.”

Cheesy bastard, he though and smiled as one tear drifted down his cheek. He looked back at the clock again: eight-forty five; if he didn’t hurry, he may get in there late. He took his backpack and went down the stairs, sheet of paper safely tucked inside his pocket. He took the right turn at the right corner and before he could even notice it, a thirty minute walk had passed and he was standing outside Pendragon Manor. The vintage Ferrari was still parked inside and he pressed the doorbell. Merlin waited until the electric gate opened in front of him. Cheesy stupid Blondie, he thought before walking down the path to the door.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“Merlin?” Mithian asked when she opened the door for him. He had honestly being counting for the Pendragon`s to keep a butler for such common-like duties so he would have a little bit more time to actually plan the words he would say. He felt the paper still inside his pocket and remembering the words it held, he smiled at her trying to convey a quick lie for her. She seemed perplex and very pregnant, glowing even when she seemed slightly tired but she still had the same presence of spring in a bottle that Merlin remembered from their trip to Acestir. He was going to lie to her, he was going to tell her an invention but he saw her in her honey-like-eyes and felt that she deserved some form of truth.

“Is Arthur here?” he asked as she drove him inside the sitting room Merlin suspected was the first of ten that would be scattered all around the place. The walls were high and covered with portraits and paintings; he saw a couple of lakes and castles immortalized on a canvas forever. There were three different sofas displayed around the room and a fireplace in the furthest corner; two more door were behind the chairs and Merlin didn’t even dare to presume into what room could they lead to. “Yes, he hasn’t left yet. Should I call for him?” she asked as she sat in one of the sofas; Merlin was unsure of he was allowed to do it as well, fearing his poor presence would made the fanciness of the place burst into a fire ball. “I could just wait for him to come down the stairs before leaving” he said finally daring to sit by her side.

“Oh but then you`ll miss him. The entrance to the garage doesn’t pass through this side of the place” she said, getting up. She was wearing a black long dress covered with a soft and fluffy shawl that made her figure look as slim as if it was possible but she was still a seventh-month pregnant woman of near 18 years. It would only sink Merlin one step down into the path of hell if he let her walk all the way to the garage because as far as he was concerned, the place could be in the opposite corner of main building under three sections of underground stairs and could only be found if one crossed a drawbridge. “I`ll go after him” he said, getting up and holding her hand. She seemed content with it and sat back down the sofa; Merlin hasn’t noticed it before but there were some books on top of the coffee table and a cup of recently poured tea next to it. He had obviously interrupted Mithian`s morning routine.

“The garage is crossing the left door, then the right one then you turn to the right again and there you will find two doors, picked the left one” she said. Who knew? Merlin thought, if he got lost inside perhaps he could live there forever without anyone noticing him and feeding himself from the leftovers he could find in the garbage. If his talk with Arthur turned sour, he would be calling that alternative plan B.

“My mom told me Morgana and Morgause were coming next week” he said to her before closing the door behind him. She smiled at him –but he could saw a hint of anxiety in her- and explained him briefly the plans she had for the women. “You should stop by once they have arrived” she added and Merlin felt unsure if he ought to smile back at her “I enjoy your company” she said with a final smile.

“I would love that” he said even when he wasn’t sure if this time walking down the halls and endless corridors of Pendragon Manor would be his last.

It only took him two tries until he found the door Mithian had told him about. He opened it as quietly as he could and his eyes were marbled at the sight of a parade of fancy cars that would certainly cost more than whatever he could ever earn in three lifetimes combined. There had to at least ten cars inside and a part of Merlin wondered if perhaps, the place had a two-store garage and the best treasures were kept beneath it… but then he quickly remembered why he was there and started to search with the nocturnal sight he didn’t posses any trace he could find of Arthur. He was still standing on the doorway when suddenly someone patted him on the shoulder making him jump to the inside.

The place was almost completely obscure, only the few streams of lights entering through some small windows at the top of the walls and he had no real sense of direction in the place.

“Who are you?” the shadow standing by the almost closed door asked him. There wasn’t enough light but the figure he saw was too tall and slimmer to actually be Arthur`s and the voice was slightly different in the tone. The shadow moved to the left and the light that came from the outside corridor struck his body; Merlin saw what it look like the hint of curly hair and beard that was showing itself shyly on the man`s chin.

“I`m Merlin” he answered and the man took a step forward, making him take a step back. If he was bound to be murder in a garage filled with expensive cars, than he was going to be murder on top of the fanciest one he could find. He had his eyes on what it seem to be a silver Porshe when the lights when on top of him. The man –indeed sporting curly ginger hair as well as the start of a beard- was looking at him, visibly confused. How couldn’t he be? He was stranger inside the biggest home in the whole a town and he probably looked more like a hobo than an actual student: he was surprised he hadn’t call for the police yet.

“Merlin?” the man asked him. “As in Arthur`s Merlin?” He probably heard him wrong but he didn’t move in response. The man was still looking at him confused but with the visible hint of a smile that was threatening to appear.

“I don’t think so” he said.

“Well if you aren’t a friend of Arthur`s than what are you doing here?” he asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. A simple gesture that reminded him so many things; he cleared his throat at the memory and relaxed a little bit, he was obviously not getting extra points for his situation there. “I mean, I guess I`m that Merlin… just not _his_ Merlin” he said, making sure the last words were clear enough. “I`m…” What? A friend? A classmate? His best friend? Surely this wasn’t the moment to come up with some made up title. “I`m his tutor” he said.

The man raised an eyebrow but finally took a step forward, showing his hand to salute him formally like proper gentlemen do it. “He never told me he had a tutor” he said still not quite convince.

“Well, he`s not very proud of that” Merlin said shaking his hand back and the other smiled at him. “I suppose he wouldn’t. I`m Leon, Arthur`s cousin”

“He never told me he had a cousin here”

“I suppose he doesn’t feel too proud about that either” he said laughing. “Come, I`ll take you with Arthur” he said, inviting him to leave behind the cars and returning through the same path he had followed before. “Thank you” he said and walked alone side him.

Now what? For starters he was still uncertain about what he was going to say to the man but now he had to do it in the presence of his cousin and what if Arthur didn’t even want to see him in the first place? After all, Merlin couldn’t forget the tiny and small fact that he had left him there alone in the first place and made absolutely no intention to reach back at him or his mother. Perhaps Arthur had already forgotten everything… perhaps he had even forgotten about the letter as well.

“Have you come to make sure he did his homework?” Leon asked him, interrupting him from his thoughts. Merlin had been following him around the place with a blind faith on his sense of direction; he had gone up two sets of stairs and turned right and left more times he ever thought one person could actually turn inside one home. “He tends to be a little bit sloppy but he means well” the man said with fondness. Merlin could see Leon held a great deal of care for his cousin, making him  questioned where he had been in the past.

They finally reached a perfectly carved wooden door that Merlin could only assumed it was the entrance to Arthur`s bedroom. “Luckily you came while he still was in here, he tends to get a little bit late sometimes, right?” Leon asked him smiling but he just nodded back; he was too nervous about what the door meant and what could happen or not from now on. Leon knocked at the door and said: “Arthur? Merlin is here” and Merlin who was indeed there felt like he could go sick at any minute now waiting for an answer but there was none.  “Just wait here, I`ll make sure he is presentable” he said winking an eye at him and entering to the room without knocking. Once Merlin was finally left alone, he felt his knees shivered beneath him and the floor on his feet turning into liquid. He could still turn back and leave; granted, he would probably end up lost around the place but he would be away from Arthur. The door had to be quite thick for him not to listen anything, not a single word transpired to the other end and Merlin wondered how the inside of Arthur`s room even look like. As the seconds passed by Merlin became more and more convinced Arthur would not received him; it was best he would leave now and never return to see Leon, Mithian and Arthur ever again while he still had some dignity that to be thrown away for the place by the cousin of luscious locks himself.

He was about to make a run for his life when the door finally opened up and Leon went outside; he didn’t seem as smiley as he had been before but he gave Merlin an encouraging smile before letting him in. Luckily for Merlin, the cousin stayed outside.

Arthur`s room look like the chambers of a palace but it was quite a lot more demure than he had hoped for. The walls were still as high as the sky but there was only one bed, one desk, one closet and one bookshelf filled with what Merlin could only presumed were only first editions and fancy copies of his own favorites. The blonde man was standing in front of the window, arms crossed and staring at the outside giving Merlin his back and it took all the courage he had to not run away from there. The only thing that was keeping him grounded at that moment was the letter inside his pocket. He was going for it inside his trousers when Arthur turned around to face him; if he had thought he looked more like a hobo than a student, one glimpse at Arthur changed his mind. Poor creature, he thought and his heart ached at the sight.

“Hi Merlin” he said.

“Hi Arthur” he answered.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“I met your cousin” he said before the awkward silence escalated to more awkward proportions. “He seems nice” he said letting his eyes drift through the rest of the room, there were a small mountain of CD piled up on top of a closed laptop and Arthur's copy of “Ten Little Indians” by its side.

“What are you doing here Merlin? Is not like you have come here because you are my tutor” Arthur said, walking to his desk and picking up the book to put it back on its place. “You need to leave now” he added walking back to the window “I only told Leon you could come in so you wouldn’t feel too embarrassed about it but you should leave now”. Merlin knew Arthur would have never received him but he never thought he would dispatch him so quickly. He thought for a moment caving in to what he asked him but once again, the feeling of the letter on his power gave him a little bit more resilience. He took it out and displayed in front of him.

“What is this?” he asked him but Arthur didn’t look at him. He walked closer to the man not enough to actually invade his personal space but sufficiently to smell his characteristic scent with the paper still on his hand. “Look at me and tell me what is this!” he told him but he still refused to turned around. Merlin could feel his blood boiling inside his skin, feeling like a small child once again being passed around by everyone and not having a vote on it. It was as if Arthur was repeating how he used to be –the biggest prat to ever walk the Earth- to him but this time he was having none of it. “Arthur! Look at me now!”

“Just leave Merlin” he said still eyes locked in the outside world.

“No”

“Merlin…”

“Arthur” he interrupted him “Just because you ran away from something it doesn’t mean it would go away”

“Just shut up Merlin” he said finally turning around and meeting his gaze; a tear was falling down his right eye but this time Merlin didn’t feel the same sense of emotion he had felt before. Arthur has got enough time to weep around his problems but now, now he would not cry away from what he had to face. “Don’t give me some moral pep-talk now, alright? Just fucking leave me alone!” he screamed at him but Merlin didn’t flinch.

“What is this?” he asked again, shoving the paper unto his chest, now close enough to feel the air he was breathing in and out. Once he put his hand with the paper on his chest, he could easily feel the beat of the other`s heart; it was a fast and frantic pounding that hit against his own skin. “Just tell me what is this and I`ll leave” he said, feeling his own tears threatening once again to came back.

Arthur did not move when he put it there but he stopped looking at Merlin, his eyes focused on the side and body tensed up at the encounter. “I guess it was an apology” he finally said after staying quiet for almost a minute. “No” Merlin replied meeting Arthur`s confused and sad eyes. “No, is not”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Arthur asked breaking apart their contact and walking away from the window to his desk on the other side. His pacing was strong and determined but he could see his legs shaking slightly once he stopped. “What could you know about what I mean or not?” Merlin turned around and followed the blonde unto the side of his desk but stopped enough to leave him sufficient space to keep on pacing if he wished for it.

“No, Arthur” he said, feeling himself cooling down from the tension of before. “An apology was meant for you leaving there, you had to apologized for walking away there because if you had said “I`m sorry” for leaving that day I may have even accepted it but you don’t get to say you are sorry for us being friends!”. Merlin felt how it was turn for his heart to start skipping like the devil so he started to walk by, back to the window, away from Arthur. “You don’t get to call that time a dream because it wasn’t! It was fucking real!” he said. He knew that to try and stop the tears from falling down was practically impossible and a part of him urged him to leave at that second; he had emptied his chest now and there was nothing keeping him there. They kept quiet for another minute, neither of them moving or looking at the other. Once Merlin finally felt he was calm enough to not make a fuzz on the street for his looks, he sighed one last time inside Arthur`s room.

“I guess that`s all I had to say… and I should go now”. He gave one last look at the letter that now rested on Arthur`s hand, the letter that had gave him the courage to scream at the man`s face and feel content with himself. “I`ll see myself out if I can find the door”

He stole a look to his wristwatch –nine forty five in the morning- and realized he could still catch his second class if he kept a low profile during the day. It wasn’t as if he had anyone else expecting for him to show up at school. “You wanna know what is the saddest part of this?” he asked once he was next to the door and not really caring for Arthur`s response. “I choose you over my best friend and you can see I fucked up deep with that one” he said with a sad and silly smile.

“Why did you even like me in the first place?” He was about leave and he didn’t have the strength to turn around and be honest; he let his forehead rest over the cold surface and took a deep breath in. “`Cause I`m stupid I guess” he said “But you know how things work Arthur… once you realized it, you don’t make the same mistake twice”

He closed the door feeling the tears resurfacing around his eyes. He had to leave the place at once.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Wednesday near in the afternoon and Morgana and Morgause had called Hunith letting her know they were arriving that Friday and they would love sharing a cup of tea with her on the same day. Unlike the last time she had set herself upon meeting the pair, she made no attempt to reach out for Merlin and asked him if he was interested on going with her. They hadn’t really spoke after that night about the subject and she tried his best to let the “Arthur and Mithian” talk in her office every day but she had to let her son known she was leaving work early that day, joining Mithian for a visit to the shopping district of Ealdor looking for a present for the two women. She knocked on his door and found him sitting on the floor listening to music and reading something that seemed like a play for what she could understand –probably Shakespeare she assumed- and told him he had to cook his own dinner that night if she got home too late. He simply nodded at her and she left, picking up her purse and the keys of the house. It killed her to leave him alone in that moment but she understood there were some moments to talk and some other moments to listen to sad music; she just hoped for her son to reach the moment of discussion on time before it would be too late.

Merlin was sitting by his bed, going through his playlists on his cell phone when he heard the doorbell ringing beneath through the sound of his earphones. Since he wasn’t in the mood of entertaining any vendor or listening to any other missioner, he turned off the light on his night stand and waited for the visitor to leave. He heard the doorbell going on three more times before everything returned to the comfortable silence he was seeking to relax inside. He decided not to turn back on the light on his room, enjoying the darkness around him and having only his face enlightened by the screen of his phone. He closed his eyes at that moment, thinking that he could fall asleep in that place and wake up when he would be thirty years old with all his problems sorted out and living in a place far away from there. He could feel how he was slowly slipping into the world of dreams when he heard it...

A knock.

Not as someone who is knocking, asking to come inside but as if someone was closing down the door after already letting himself in. He paralyzed right at that moment, why would someone go and have his way in this neighborhood where the biggest luxuries people could afford were expensive marmalade and hams? Unless the intruder wasn’t a thief and instead, it was a psycho recently released from a mental institution looking for a new victim to quaint his thirst. Either way, Merlin was in troubles. He got up as quietly as he could and slipped by his door, checking if it was closed as if a closed door could actually stop anyone from doing anything.

He heard someone going up the stairs and felt the sweat rising up on his back. If he was going to die, he may as well go putting up a fight to the other. He searched around his room as quick as he could and finally decided that Will`s abandoned first guitar would be his weapon of choice. It wasn’t as if he was returning for it any day now; it had been left behind and Merlin thought it may give some consolation to the artifact knowing it had found a second life as a defensive weapon.

The steps stopped right outside his room and Merlin held a tight grip on the handgrip. The door opened and he closed his eyes, swing as strong as he could unto the intruder; it was only until he could feel the impact of the guitar against something else, he opened his eyes back open.

Maybe God liked teasing him on a daily basis or maybe someone with greater powers like to fucked his life every now and then because of course he had to knocked the conscience out of Arthur`s head, of course he had to.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He placed the packet of ice gently on the man`s forehead after doing almost the impossible and picking up his ass from the ground unto his bed. Sometimes he wondered if his life was meant to be a never ending sequence of unfortunate events; if it was something greater than himself was writing his destiny while drunk and half asleep without paying too much attention a whatever happened anyway.

Arthur finally woke up after half an hour, thirty minutes that Merlin wasted thinking he may had killed the man or left him forever in a coma, or even ruining his brain with the impact. The guitar seemed almost half-intact, only two strings broken and Arthur only sported a bruise on stomach –detail Merlin had noticed while climbing the humanity of the man to his bed and accidentally pulling up his shirt- so he could considered himself lucky in the end.

“Mmariiinnnn” Arthur started to mumble and Merlin let himself one small and brief second to feel bad for the man. But once the second was over, he remembered who he was and what had happened and how much the blonde had to leave his home immediately but Merlin wasn’t cold enough to actually toss a man to the cold streets after suffering a mild-concussion… he was willing to give him some ten minutes before actually throwing him out.

Merlin walk up from the side of the bed and sat on the floor, beside the pillow –close enough to see if he was still breathing or not- and waited for him to come to his senses. He could see the struggle Arthur was suffering to actually understand where he was and what happened but he kept quiet, not willing to make it too easy for him. “What?” he said a couple of times, his eyes registering the ceiling of his room until he looked to the right, finding Merlin`s unimpressed face. “What happened?” he asked, holding to the ice on his head.

“I hit you with a guitar on the stomach and you fell on your head to the floor” he said.

“What?” he asked again and Merlin sighed.

“You broke into my home and I defended myself with a guitar” he said.

“I didn’t break into your house” he said, sitting more properly on his bed, making Merlin raised his face higher to meet his eyes. “I used the key” he explained.

He was talking about the spare key they kept hidden under a rock next to the door and that supposedly nobody knew about… except him, his mother, Will and now Arthur. “How do you know about the key?”

“Your mother told me before”

Typical, he thought. “I guess I`ll have to change its place now” he said getting up and handing over to Arthur a freshly poured cup of tea that he received gladly. “I`m kicking your ass to the street in ten minutes so you might as well tell me now why did you broke into my home?”

“I didn’t break here…” he said after drinking from his cup.

“Nine minutes and fifty-six seconds left” he said, sitting in the edge of his bed next to Arthur`s shoes.

“I came here because I had to explain myself” he said, getting up and sitting next to Merlin on the edge of the bed. “Alright…” he said, not believing him.

“I should have never let you walk away from there yesterday Merlin” he said, putting down the cup by the night stand. “And I should have never walked away before. It was stupid but in that moment, I thought the letter would settled something between us”

Arthur took out the note from his trouser`s front pocket, as wrinkled as it had been the day before. “I was scared”

“When? Which time are you trying to excuse now?” he asked, his eyes locked in the sheet of paper.

“Both… all the time. I have been feeling the same fear everyday for the past three months” he said.

“What are you so scared of Arthur?” Merlin said finally letting his eyes meet his.

“You” Arthur told him. He didn’t understand it; what was so scary on him to frighten Arthur so badly all the time? “Why?” he asked.

“`Cause… when I`m with you Merlin, the world seem like such an easy place to live in and I feel... I don’t just feel relax but I also feel happy and alive. I feel so full with these new emotions and I don’t know what to do with them” Arthur told him, holding Merlin`s hands with his. Merlin broke off the contact and got up from the bed.

“You know what? That is really nice Arthur and I`m glad for you but… what am I suppose to do knowing all of this? I can`t just go back to how everything used to be. It`s not like you can apologize now and you start coming here again!”

“I know!” Arthur said, also getting up and walking unto Merlin`s face up close.

“Then what is it Arthur? What are you getting from this? What is the Great Arthur Pendragon`s master plan? Getting a friend, a shoulder to cry on whenever you feel sad?”

Merlin started to cry at that moment, not sure why and not sure if he wanted to stop doing it. He wanted to scream as well, to hit Arthur in the face, to punch him in the leg and to hold him in his arms never letting him go ever again. He wanted to do so many things in one second but before all of those options, he wanted for Arthur to just say a word. To speak at him, say something that would bring peace at his life. “Just say something!” he screamed at his face.

Arthur held his face with both of his hands and kissed him with the rage and fire of a thousand gods. Merlin wasn’t there in that moment; he was in another dimension with his soul deep down the ground he was standing on. Arthur`s lips had been cold at first –for the ice he had rested on top of him- but Merlin`s face had been hot from the rage and screaming, quickly warming up the other`s. The hands he felt on his cheeks were slowly coming down to his neck before settling on top of his shoulders; he didn’t know what else to do with his own hands so he grab a hold of Arthur`s back, pushing the man further close to him. It had felt like such a desperate movement, clinging to any form of contact and Arthur smiled while his mouth was still on top of Merlin`s. As his lips parted Merlin opened his wider, letting his tongue slipped by Arthur`s teeth searching with despair for the other`s one. He wanted this, he wanted to feel Arthur`s touch on every fiber of his body at the same time, wishing to never stop.

His hands went from his back to the collar of his jacket, caressing the entrance of his neck until they found their way to the nape. He grabbed a tuft of his hair and pulled him to the back, breaking apart the kiss for two seconds before letting his mouth travel around Arthur`s neck. He didn’t know where such desperation –a thirst for contact- was coming from, all that he knew was that it needed to be stop. Arthur`s hand went down his shoulders and into his hips; Merlin`s body shivered at the contact of Arthur`s cold hand over his naked skin as he had raised up his t-shirt. Whatever coldness he could have felt at that moment, it quickly disappeared with the heat and fire that was blazing between their bodies. Their mouths found each other and started their dance once again, Merlin feeling he could never get enough for the taste of Arthur`s lips. He wanted to die and be buried inside his mouth forever.

He could feel his groin aching for a pause but he feared once everything came to an end, that would be it and he wasn’t prepared to departure from Arthur`s body so soon. Now their hips were closer together and Merlin had his right leg between Arthur`s, feeling at home and safe… and hungry and warm all inside of him. Everything felt so sublime Merlin thought he might be dreaming, as if he might have actually fell asleep on the floor of his room while he was listening to music and Arthur had never come home for him. His chest ached at the possibility and he felt desperate for a single proof that this was it, that this was his reality. With a pain inside his soul, he broke off the kiss and pushed Arthur far from him. He had to see it –he had to see him- right in front of him because to actually have him there by his side in his room was the only proof he could hope for. When Arthur backed away from his side so easily, without putting a fight or complaining Merlin closed his eyes waiting for the dream to end and for him to wake up alone. “I want to wake up” he whispered, with his back against the wall holding his breath, “I want to wake up” he repeated with a sob hidden inside his throat…

A hand held his, a warm hand that intertwined its fingers with his. He opened his eyes back and Arthur was still there, with watery eyes smiling with red lips.

“You`re actually here” Merlin said surprised feeling the happiness boiling like fire on every cell of his body. Arthur smiled and leaned closer to him, placing his forehead next to his own; he was breathing slowly and Merlin felt intoxicated with his smell.

They stayed that way for what it feel an eternity until Merlin grabbed Arthur`s face and after giving him a small peck on the lips that made the blonde blushed like a new bride, asked: “Now, what?”

 

They went to bed, tucked inside each other`s arms and rested their heads over Merlin`s small pillow; their cheeks were in constant contact one another as well as their feet entangled with each other. At first Merlin feared of falling asleep, with the idea that Arthur would vanish from his side as if he had been a spirit but as he heard the man`s breathing next to his hear, calming and reassuring, he finally found himself able to relax completely and turn himself into a dream land…

 °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The clock was ticking two in the morning when Merlin woke up alone in his bed. His phone was light up next to his face, a song selected from the playlist and Merlin found himself crying till he fall back to sleep. They lyrics were too honest for him to handle another new day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Arthur left him:
> 
> (...) You're so nice and you're so smart  
> You're such a good friend I have to break your heart  
> Tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart  
> Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart (...)


	9. Tire swing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I'm home for less than 24 hours  
> That's hardly time to take a shower,  
> Hug my family and take your picture off the wall  
> Check my email, write a song and make a few phone calls  
> Before it's time to leave again  
> I got one hand on the steering wheel one waving out the window  
> If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life  
> My yarns will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

Thursday morning was a tough morning.

Merlin was partially melted inside the sheets of his bed; face completely splattered all around his pillow and hand still firmly gripped on his cell phone. He hadn’t slept a lot that night, waking up on and on every fifteen minutes. He could still feel the touch of Arthur`s lips over his own if he focused enough... and he did. There was nothing for him to do that would make him forget every single second, every single frame of that night and it made his heart ached for it. Merlin knew he was doomed to revive that kiss over and over again until his heart stopped or his brain broke in half inside his head… until that day happen, the scent of Arthur`s neck was going to be stuck inside his nostrils forever.

“Merlin! Breakfast!”

He wasn’t even hungry for someone who`s last meal had been an apple and bag of chips twelve hours before but he couldn’t left his mother waiting for him downstairs, worrying her even more than she already was and the part of his brain that wasn’t replaying the night before was actually slightly famish. It took every ounce of will power in his arsenal to rouse from his bed and make the walk to the bathroom; he poured a big splash of cold water on his face and saw himself in the mirror.

God, he looked pathetic, a pair of dark circles right beneath his eyes and a breath that tasted like two people actually did… Dear lord, he thought, his mouth tasted like Arthur's and his bed smelled like him and he still owned that fucking hand sanitizer. It was right there, he was staring at it on the top ledge of the medicine cabinet in front of him with his light green content. And he hadn’t even used it yet! It had been building up dust for almost three weeks now and he had never used it and now he would never get an opportunity to do it because every time he would smell coconut or lime, his lips would ached and his hands would search for a lock of golden hair to hold on to.

He took the sanitizer and held it in his hand, staring at it longer than he should. He looked back at the trash can knowing how easy and simple his next move had to be; just one blow into the bin and that was it. Perhaps because it was the fact that it was such a simple move to make what made Merlin freeze with the bottle still clenched to his palm. Just one move and that was it… just like it had been one word that had changed everything before and one closer step that had ruined him.

Merlin saved the bottle in the pocket of his trousers and went downstairs, knowing it would only take one brief look for his mother to worry and run by his side. He sat on the table and she put the plate with scrambled eggs and a single toast; she sat next to him and drank her cup of tea in silence. He stared at the plate not quite understanding what was in it, not quite understanding the silence that surrounded him and not quite getting any of the things that have been happening to him.

“Mum?” he asked. She didn’t answer but she looked at him, eyes filled with love and half of her face covered with her cup. There were so many things he wished he could ask his mother about, so much advice he knew she held on her heart and mind but a part of him felt adamant of doing it, felt unwilling to let his doubts and fears out there because he knew that the minute he would come to his mother for counsel… then he was no different from Arthur or any other troubled kid that had entered his mother`s office over the past few years.

“How was Mithian?” he asked instead, hoping for his voice to sound as even as it could. His mother smiled sadly and finished her cup before telling him about her afternoon: they had gone shopping for some presents for the couple, made the entire walk through the boulevard searching for a perfect scarf for Morgause and a nice jewelry box for Morgana and after settling for a blue neckerchief and a golden case, they went for a cup of tea and cake on the food district. Merlin knew it was his cue to ask how she had got home, to ask her if Arthur had appeared and drove her back home but he didn’t have to ask –he knew perfectly well where Arthur had been in that moment- and just nodded at her and finished his breakfast.

“… we were just finishing our tea when Uther appeared” she then said after a minute of silence when Merlin had almost finished his food. He had heard before about Uther`s attempts of getting closer to Mithian and the baby but he never had expected for him to actually make the effort to show his support publically. It was only after Hunith kept on with her tale and how the man with the always serious face started to talk with both of them about the oncoming weekend and the guests his manor was about to shelter than Merlin let himself think for just one second if the actual reason behind Arthur`s visit was the fact that his father had been there.

Perhaps he didn’t have any other mean to cope with his father`s initiative; perhaps Arthur would always return to his side every time he felt unhappy with his father thinking foolishly Merlin would always be there with his arms open for him. “He invited us to go for a Saturday lunch this weekend” she said. “Both of us”

“Why?” It wasn’t as if Uther actually knew about Merlin`s existence or the fact that he could have better things to do with his time than spending hide and seek all day inside his enormous mansion.

“Mithian told me that she believes this Uther`s attempt to mend his relationship with his grandson and I suppose we are somehow part of this relationship” she said getting up and walking back to the kitchen with her cup and Merlin`s empty plate. By the tone on his mother`s voice he could see she didn’t quite believe that completely. “And what do you believe?” he asked.

Hunith stood by the kitchen sink with her hands grasping to the metallic edge, looking as concerned as she always did when she feared the people she had helped before had gotten themselves into a new form of trouble. “I think he wants to keep the baby” Merlin didn’t know what picture was more damaging for his brain: Uther actually showing human emotion against a newborn or the sight of a destroyed Arthur staring at the betrayal of his own father...

Just as he was getting ready for going to school and had tossed far away his pajamas, he remembered the sanitizer still inside his pocket. He held it on his hand one last time before throwing it away through his window and into the cold air. If Uther wanted to keep the baby or if he wanted to adopt a one hundred more newborns and build an army of babies, it was none of his damn business anymore.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Merlin felt his entire day had gone through like someone had pressed the automatic pilot on his brain and had send him lose into the world.

First class of the day: Chemistry. Topic: polymers. Merlin`s level of attention to the subject: cero.

Second class of the day: P.E. Discussion: Run all the way to the end of the track. Merlin`s level of compromise: cero. And he fell twice.

A brief break for lunch.

Lunch: he forgot to pack a sandwich so an old cereal bar it was –he bought a fruit cocktail later-. Social status: sat by himself next to an old and forgotten statue.  Merlin`s level of care: none-existent.

Third class of the day: English. Topic: Wuthering Heights. Merlin`s level of interest on a tragic love story: unnecessary to questioned, he was already living in one.

Last class of the day: Geometry. Topic: Pythagoras. Merlin`s level of concentration before stepping inside the classroom: sky high since he had forgotten his notebook inside his locker… best to go for it.

He made all the way from the adjacent hallway to the classroom to his locker in almost two minutes, happy with himself for keeping every piece of his body assembled while he ran through the gentle flow of people around him. It was only until he got to the locker itself than he realized how tired and sleepy he felt and he couldn’t blamed unto the lack of sleep of the night before; it wasn’t the sense of lack of sleep one gets after spending the entire night marathoning something on T.V. but more like the weariness you get after doing nothing all day long… which was odd since Merlin had gone through a very busy day. He assumed it was the long term effect of over exposure to loneliness and general lack of care for anything that may happen around him. He was about to leave his locker when a hand stopped him from going any further; he looked up and found the always charming half-grin and long brown hair of Gwaine.

“Hello mate” he told him and for a moment Merlin thought he may be talking to someone else, someone who was standing between him and his locker because he had only spoken to Gwaine once, a year ago and the terms of their discussion were less then friendly to neither of them. “Hi” he ventured to replied, not sure what could someone like Gwaine want to do with someone like him.

“Time for a quick chat?” he asked him pointing to the outside of the hall. Merlin knew it was only best to reply with a decisive “no” and walk away from there, knowing he had classes and he couldn’t just go around skipping lessons to run away with long-haired men that smelled like sweet apples and honey. But then he realized that he had technically been skipping classes all day long by not being mentally present in the classroom so one extra class would not hurt his curriculum.

“About what?” he asked dubiously, not sure if he was prepare for another talk about him not saying a word about the other`s special friendship with Percival. He have never said a single word about it and all the things that were floating around the school were product of their own recklessness and the small fact that the rest of the people had a pair of eyes and could see from a mile away how much Gwaine and Percival were crazy for the other… but he wasn’t going to say that to him.

“Best we do it outside, one might listen to things that are not of their business around these halls” he said, leading Merlin by the arm to the freezing air of the east gardens. He felt his nose frosting as the seconds went by and he wished for Gwaine to do whatever he wanted to do as quickly as he could. His hands were tucked safely inside his pockets but the cool air still found its way to his skin through his clothes; he only wished for to be back inside, listening to a boring lecture on the wonderful mind of Pythagoras than staying there next to a Gwaine that didn’t seem to even notice the cold. “What now?” he asked and to his own desperation, Gwaine took out a red apple and bitted it before talking after what Merlin felt had been the coldest thirty seconds of his entire life.

“I found myself this morning giving a piece of advice I would never had thought I would found myself giving” he said. Since when people had to be so cryptic when it came the time to speak their minds? Merlin asked himself shaking his legs to keep a shred of heat inside his body. He nodded, urging Gwaine to explain himself but the man seemed happy enough after delivering that message and left him there. Merlin stand there for a couple more seconds until he realized that Gwaine was in fact over with everything and he ran back for him.

“Wait!” he said grabbing his arm back in the warm setting of the indoors. “That was it?”

“Yep” he said and kept on walking. Nothing was making any more sense but he wasn’t going to accept a riddle and just walk away from there. He ran to his side one more time and started walking at his pace, shoulder to shoulder –or more like, shoulder to scalp because Gwaine was way too tall to have the same age as Merlin did-. “You can`t just say that to me and walk away”

“There isn’t much for me to add to it” he said smiling. Was he really feeling pleased with himself out of Merlin`s confusion? He thought because he wasn’t prepared to accept that, not when the man himself owned Merlin so much. “How about you add a name or a detail, any form of context to that information?” he asked.

“Cannot do, sorry” he replied.

“You can`t just do that to people!” he said, feeling how the tone in his voice gained new life and a slight sense of shock.

“Relax, okay?” he asked him, finally making a stop next to the entrance of the male`s bathroom. “I just can`t tell you names or dates or anything, I just had to implant the thought in your brain” and with that, Gwaine disappeared inside the place. Merlin was sure if he had settled with the initial sentence his mind would be a lot less tangled than it was now after Gwaine`s explanation. Implant? This wasn’t Inception, there was no one implanting no ideas on his mind and he wasn’t dealing with any of this. He got inside and saw Gwaine`s back in front of a urinal; the bathroom was empty –thank god- as Merlin did his best to keep his eyes on the wall and not whatever it was that Gwaine had bellow his waist. “What are you even talking about?” he asked, hoping the blush of his cheeks went unnoticed.

“I owed you a favor, you know it so don’t make me tell you what favor it is” he said, pulling up the zipper of his fly. “This is me trying to repay you with it” he said and all that Merlin could think about was whether Gwaine was going to wash his hands or not. Luckily he did before patting Merlin`s shoulder; he knew that probably in Gwaine`s mind what he was trying to say made some sense but spoken out loud, it just lost all coherence.

“I know you think you are making some sense but I still don’t understand what you are saying” he said trying to contain his frustration. The long haired man sighed probably sharing Merlin`s feeling on the subject and he could see he had his hands tied. “Perhaps you shouldn’t have told me anything on the first place” Merlin said understanding this was as long as the conversation was meant to go.

He was almost entirely outside the bathroom when Gwaine added –probably out of guilt more than anything else- loud enough for him to hear: “It`s about your friend”.

Merlin kept on walking back to his locker, too late now for him to enter his class and too soon to leave and go back home. He didn’t ask him back for more information because he knew that whatever other detail the man may hide, he wasn’t going to tell it to him. When he returned his Geometry notebook back to the inside of the locker, all that his mind could process was a name: Will.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Ever since they got into their “cafeteria fight”, Will had got into the habit of sitting with Freya and Elena for every class, sharing the over crowed table without even given a single glance at Merlin as he made his way to his empty seat in the background of the room. Gwen and Lance still held the honorable position of the front rows and Gwaine with Percival still sat obviously closer to the other at his other side. It was as if nothing had change for him when in fact, everything had. He remembered the next day after the fight, Spanish class, and he had walk to the room hoping things would still be the same but Will was sitting in the middle of the two girls staring intensely to his book. The picture over all scream weirdness: the lean and restless figure of his friend caught in between Freya`s softness and Elena`s excess of energy, the fact that he was in fact concentrated on a book –as in one with words and everything- and the small detail that he had seemed to have forgiven Freya as if it was actually something to forgive –which there wasn’t-.

As Merlin sat by himself, opening his notebook and dictionary, he wondered that if Will had talked to Freya about what had happened the day before then perhaps, they could resume their friendship. But Will never look back at him, not even when Merlin had swallowed all of his pride and had called for him, and just went by the entire class ignoring his advances. Merlin felt so stupid with keep on trying; he knew Will wasn’t going to respond at this but there was a stubbornness inside of him that stopped him from caving in. He had to at least try, do his best and then if all of that had failed, he may leave his friend alone at peace. He wanted to ask him, why her and not me? How could he talk to Freya and treat him like less than garbage? It couldn’t just be because Will had feelings for Freya –he knew his friend would never be so simple about his choices-, he had known him since they were old enough to stand by themselves and run around Merlin`s home. So then, why not him?

His question was left with no need of an answer the minute Arthur stepped into the room and went without hesitation to sit by Merlin`s side. He remembered so vividly till this point how furiously his heart had stopped at the moment he had the blonde man by his right. Did Arthur have known what was he doing in that moment? Merlin could feel all the eyes of the room locked over his presence, locked on the pair he made with Arthur. Did Arthur know how important it was that single gesture for the rest? It was like the public proclamation of their friendship; it was his way to shout at the world, pointing a neon sign on top of their heads screaming: Yes, me and Merlin are friends now.

Merlin knew he had to feel worried about Will at the moment; he knew he had to think about how to get his friend back but in that second, in that brief moment Arthur had sat next to him, Merlin felt… well, he had felt like one of the cool kids in the class. All eyes on him, everyone paying attention to every single thing he made and everyone whispering about him all the time. It felt good and for the next week he had enjoyed every lasting second and the perks of being one of Arthur`s people.

But of course “good dreams never last” he thought as he made his way to the library to kill over the hours before he got home and not worry his mother with the thought of his darling boy skipping classes.

Has he seriously just quoted a line from Arthur`s letter, which he had erased from his mind?

He found the loneliest, most desolated table in the place and went straight to it book in hand having no real intention of actually reading. Perhaps a time alone would help him ease his mind.

He sat there, closed his eyes for a second and stretched his fingers carelessly. His day overall might had been as dull as watching paint dry on a wall and he might had risked getting a serious case of hypothermia and pneumonia just for following Gwaine into the arctic but a quiet and sober time all by himself here would ease his broken mind. Once he opened his eyes back to the badly decorated setting that it was the library, he realized that he had obviously taken out his Biology text book and not his copy of “The Horse and his Boy”; he would have slapped himself on the face if he didn’t believe his body had been beaten too much already. Right, he thought, there`s no reason to panic at this, he was after all in a library and if it was one thing libraries had was books. He just need to make one quick trip to the nearest bookshelf and pick a random book, it didn’t have to be part of a high fantasy series it just had to have words on it –preferably, not about cells and the human body-.

Merlin got up as lazily as he actually felt and walked to nearest ledge he saw; he knew each corridor stretched out to the end of the room, each one separated enough from the other for him to investigated a possibility by his own without having to awkwardly walked behind or in front of somebody else. Luckily for him the closest one was also the corridor that keep on displayed all the work of C.S. Lewis so if he took a good minute or two, he could easily keep on with his normal reading.

As he made the turn to his right to enter, he immediately took a jump to his left with little to none grace. Good lord, why him?, he asked himself feeling his legs failing like the coward limbs they actually were. He was sure that if Merlin had never actually shared a word with him before, Arthur would never have known about the existence of the library in the first place.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Merlin was in a predicament: on one hand, he could face Arthur, fall to his feet –probably puke his lunch in the meantime-, fail to do anything remotely human and embarrass himself for all eternity or… he could go back to his table and read all about the human`s digestive system. It didn’t take to be a genius to realize what was the obvious choice; perhaps this had been God`s way of telling him he shouldn’t finish “The Horse and his Boy”. Hint taken, Merlin was on his way out.

As he walked back, Arthur left the corridor on the same time and for his own dismay, they met face to face. He wasn’t sure if his cheeks had gone as red as Arthur`s had but he felt his entire face burning like a thousand fires. Merlin felt his breathe going twice as much as it should as well as his hands sweating like an actual lake; if only he could get the assurance that Arthur was feeling just like him in that moment. Merlin wasn’t sure what he was actually expecting to happen between him and Arthur; perhaps a couple of words, a nod to the head, a small bow or any other type of small gesture would have sufficed him. Instead, Arthur didn’t even look at him and walked away from the site. Is it possible for a heart to get broken twice in less than one day? He asked himself, realizing he had slowly grown a taste for dramatic statements with time.

As his eyes searched for the book, now with full freedom to linger in the corridor as much as he like, he actually wondered if his heart was actually broken. That would imply he had actually had feelings for Arthur, did he? He had already admitted out loud he liked the man but, was there any other factual sentiment in his heart that would have provoked a “broken heart incident”? Was he just fooling himself into think that Arthur was that important in his life?

The book was badly placed back in his original position; someone must have returned it very quickly and without paying any attention to what his hands were doing. An anthology copy of John Keats’ poems, Merlin stared at it confused. This wasn’t the poetry section –a quick check to the code at the spine of the book showed him this wasn’t its place at all- and normally, almost nobody went through the high fantasy section in the library. Most people only used the place to search for information or copy their homework before going to class. Merlin had even stopped surprising himself every time he reserved a book and his name was the first to ever appear on the screen; nobody walked to this corridor because nobody care about it. In fact, Merlin had often though what a perfect hideout spot it made for anybody who would not like to be disturbed while reading something scandalous or embarrassing but then again, who would get embarrassed from reading 19th century poetry? Cheesy people who didn’t know how to handle their own feelings, that sort of people… Oh god.

Oh no… Cheesy people who don’t know how to handle their emotions; cheesy people who write letters trying to apologize to other people. Cheesy people who come to other people for advice and ask for secrecy… cheesy people who didn’t leave goodbye notes but instead, sappy songs on display in other people’s cell phones. Merlin only knew one cheesy bastard like that and the urge to slap the sculptural face the man always displayed grew as the seconds went by after his revelation.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Okay, so Arthur had kissed him –a man-, that didn’t necessarily made him gay although, Merlin knew very well who he was into long before locking lips with Arthur. Great, so now he was Arthur’s bi-curious experiment; that certainly made him feel better about himself. This wasn’t happening to him now, he thought as he remained crouched with his arms holding unto his hair while still sitting on his isolated table in the library. Merlin wasn’t sure how long have he been in the same position but he couldn’t care less at the moment if people walked pass him and gave him a weary look. He did feel slightly tired and his stomach growled at him even when he had a substantial lunch before -by having a substantial lunch he meant he had eaten at least-; he felt his arms slightly cramped and he could sense how the temperature outside the room was dropping with the passing of time around him. Merlin had probably wasted more hours than it was healthy going on and on about the same subject but in all fair warning, nobody ought to spend that amount of time thinking about another person`s sexuality as twisted and confused as it could be.

He had thought it before during the day and yet it wasn’t any of his business: what people went through in their daily lives, what people preferred or not, the desires people held inside their hearts. None of his business and there wasn’t no particular reason for him to show actual care on whatever predicament or inner turmoil might have been suffering inside his heart except… well, except beyond the fact that they had kissed, they had shared a small moment hugging in Merlin`s bed with their bodies under constant contact and that made it a little bit personal for him. He scratched his head furiously, trying to rub off the thought out of his mind and he only stopped once he heard someone clearing his throat in front of him. Merlin looked up and found Miss Catrina’s eyes glaring back at him with her arms crossed in front of her chest and feet stomping down the floor with exasperation.

“Good day Miss Tregor” Merlin said smiling even though the single thought of having to stare back at the woman`s almost troll-ish features made his stomach sick.

“I think good night would be more appropriate Mister Emrys” she said, not buying his kind smile. Wait, what? He gave a quick look to his wristwatch –eight twenty- and tried his best to not let the panic, shock and anger get through his face. “Are we closing the shop early today?” he asked with a cheeky smile.

“Mister Emrys” she said, still not buying his care free attitude. “Yes Miss Tregor?” he asked. “Go home… now” and with that, Merlin picked up his belongings and made the hasty walk to the door before he would have to keep on staring at the woman`s almost magical lack of beauty.

“Mister Emrys!” she said, raising her voice at him; it must be very late indeed if the librarian was actually screaming in the library. He turned around and she was still standing in the same spot than before, now with her hands on her hips and looking at him as if he one of the dumbest person in the entire planet. “The book?” she said.

He didn’t remember when he had taken John Keats from his misplaced position and haven't noticed he was still holding it until she said it. He gave it back with another smile she still didn't buy.

When he went outside, the school was almost entirely empty and the little sunlight he had seen early in the day was completely gone. Damn you winter and your short term days, he thought as he lift the neck of his jacket and tucked his bare hands inside his pockets. At least it wasn’t raining or snowing but it didn’t mean it wasn’t as cold as living in the North Pole; Merlin had lots of things on his mind but at that moment, his number one priority was making all the way back home and shelter himself inside the heat and protection his bed offered him. It wasn’t such a terrible ordeal –it was only a twenty five minute walk- but the weather, the drowsiness and his conflicted mind made it seem as twice as hard as it actually felt.

The horn came behind him, making him wake up from his inner monologue. He turned, praying for it not to be a vintage Ferrari and felt equally relief and confused when a blue convertible moved slowly towards his side until it fully stopped next to him. Merlin didn’t know anyone who would drive that type of car but then again, he only knew one person who actually drove at all. The window rolled down and the man with the ginger locks smiled at him.

“Arthur`s tutor” he said with a gentle smile.

“Arthur`s cousin” he replied smiling back.

“What are you doing so late by yourself walking down the street?” he asked him. Technically speaking the man wasn’t a stranger because he knew his name and at least another person who knew him back but he haven’t even known about the man`s existence before the last couple of days. Merlin didn’t know him but something about his face, his kind smile and easy going nature made him feel Leon was a man… was a man of honor in a way. It seemed like the type of person you find yourself trusting with your life at some point.

“I lost track of time while I was in the library” he said.

“Wise man, always in the library. No wonder you’re helping Arthur” he said laughing without implying any bad intention. “Get in, I’ll give you a lift” he said, pulling up the safety from the co-pilot’s sit.

“It’s not necessary” he said, staring at the grey-leather sit that look quite comfortable and warm. “I live fairly close from here”

“None sense” he replied smiling. “C’mon, it’s cold outside” and he wasn’t lying; it had been over ten minutes since Merlin had stop feeling any trace of heat in his face. Given that he couldn’t keep on refusing and the man mean well, Merlin hopped in and closed the door. The seat was indeed comfortable and the air was warm, smelling like watermelon. “Where to?” Leon asked and Merlin gave the directions; it wasn’t that far away and he could have easily made the way by himself but if the car meant that he would be sooner inside his bed, than he ought to accept it. He wondered if the cousin would seize the chance to discuss Arthur`s intellectual enrichment and Merlin hoped he didn’t; something inside told him it would feel bad having to lie at Leon, the man just screamed honesty and good intentions.

“I know it’s not of my business” he said and Merlin could see what the next sentence was going to be. “But I hope that when you came to the place the other day, you didn’t go to break up with Arthur” he said making a turn to the left.

“Break up?” Merlin asked staring outside through the window. Did Leon knew about Arthur`s inner orientational conflict?

“Breaking the deal of you being his tutor” he replied and Merlin let go a sigh. Right, that.

“Oh, I don’t think Arthur wants my help anymore” he said.

“What an idiot” Leon murmured. “I don’t know anything about grades, he would never tell me that but ever since he said he was going to your place because you were helping him I could see he was a lot happier”. He knew he shouldn’t have but a part of him actually felt genuinely flatter at hearing how much he had meant to Arthur`s life in the past but of course, in this situation the key word was indeed “ _the past_ ” because Arthur making a third triumphal return to his home was highly unlikely. “That’s why I was so happy to meet you the other day, I just had to knew who this Merlin character was”

“Whoa” Merlin said feeling a little bit more relaxed with himself now. “I feel the pressure of making a lasting good impression” he said causing a gentle chuckle from the other man.

“Did he do something stupid?” he asked after a couple of silent minutes.

“What do you mean?”

“Did he do something to make you want to stop helping him?” he asked making a turn to the right. They were getting close now and Merlin was unsure if he wanted to keep going with the course of this conversation; he didn’t know how far he could keep on talking about an arrangement between him and Arthur that never existed.

“No” Merlin replied unconvinced and Leon noticed it. He sighed dramatically –perhaps drama run through all of the Pendragon’s veins- and seemed to Merlin’s eyes tired as if there was a fatigue in the man he haven’t noticed before. “Is it that one?” Leon asked him pointing at Merlin`s home, the lights on through the closed windows made it seemed like the pinnacle of a safe and warm environment.

Leon parked outside but Merlin understood their talk wasn’t over yet. Leon still held a closed grip on the steering wheel and his body seemed more tensed up than two seconds before; Merlin wondered if the man was alright and if he was fit to make the drive back home to the manor; it was after all, a thirty minute ride and if he felt unwell, he could come in to Merlin`s home for a cup of tea.

“Don’t hate him” he said after remaining in their frozen positions for almost a minute. “I know he can be a little bit stubborn and he doesn’t get things very quickly but don’t give up on him”

“You really care for him” Merlin said feeling the tenderness and genuine concern Leon was showing. If only things were as easy as he put it, he wouldn’t doubt once before going back at helping Arthur but there were too many things, too many variables in between and he couldn’t just act like if nothing had happened between them. A part of him was telling him it would only be for the very best if he move on and turn the page from this chapter but another side was urging him to follow Leon’s advice.

“He is like a baby brother to me. I would guard him with my life if I could” he said, smiling sadly to Merlin. “Would you promise me this?”

There had to be something in the man’s eyes –in the man’s over all presence-, something that urged Merlin to be honest, to tell everything because when you looked at him, a part of you wants to be as honorable and loyal as he seemed. “It’s not that simple” Merlin replied knowing his words may break the other’s hope. Leon rubbed his face with his hand, looking even more tired than he had looked before and sighed again.

“I don’t know what you did to him, alright?” Leon told him. “I know you weren’t his tutor, I’m not that stupid but I just want to ask you that whatever you were for him before, you keep on being it a little bit longer” he said practically begging at Merlin. He wanted to accept, wanted to say yes to the man but he didn’t know what he had been for Arthur before. There had been a time where he had believed –foolishly- he was his best and only friend but everything had taken a turn for the worst so suddenly than he wasn’t sure anymore what he was.

“I’m sorry Leon” he finally said and the man turned around, upset at his response. “But none of that it’s up to me” he said before finally stepping out of the car. “Thank you for the ride” he added before closing the door and walking towards the gate. He heard the noise of a second door closing and turned around, Leon standing by his car staring back at him not with anger but with sadness; he immediately felt bad and guilty about it but if he didn’t stick to the truth then he was nothing in that moment. And the truth was that Arthur ended things because he didn’t know who he was and Merlin at the end of everything didn’t have the will power to help someone who didn’t want his help.

“Just…” Leon said realizing a big chunk of breath. “Just don’t let him be alone now”

Merlin could have said many things to the man at that moment; he could have easily repeated what he had told him in the car before, he could have added new words to make himself clearer at the moment but he simply nodded back at him in agreement. He didn’t want to be the cause of another man’s distress, one was already enough for him.

The car disappeared through the corner the second Merlin opened the door. The house felt quiet, not as if his mother was alone entertaining herself working on her scrapbooks but more like if was genuine tension in the air. He stepped inside and almost had a heart attack from the shock. If there had been a picture that could clash violently in his retina it had to be the sight of Uther Pendragon sitting in his couch next to his mother taking a cup of tea.


	10. Sea of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come with me my love  
> To the sea  
> The sea of love  
> I want to tell you  
> How much I love you  
> Do you remember  
> When we met?  
> That's the day I knew you were my pet  
> I want to tell you  
> How much I love you

Merlin could count using one hand only the number of times he had had the so-called privilege of seeing Uther Pendragon with his own eyes and frankly, he didn’t see what all the fuzz was about: yes, the man looked intimidating as hell and yes, one word of his to the city council and he could be exiled from his own home, vanished to a wasted land to die alone with no internet connection… but that did not mean he had to worship the man and specially not when he was a guest on his own house –his own territory- and he had nothing to do with him. Besides, it wasn’t as if Merlin was prepare to approach him and tell him all that it was to be known about him and his son. God, how that conversation could go sour between them...

So he sat there for ten minutes, feeling completely off and not daring to engage at any point with a commentary from his part; if he had to be the awkward figure in the room, then he will be. And it seemed more than obvious than neither his mother nor Uther wanted him there in the moment. Hunith had been giving him some not-so-subtle glances every thirty seconds that Merlin knew he had to interpret as an order to leave the room but a part of him felt contrary on obeying her. He knew it was nothing but a strong sense of curiosity that was keeping him there, seated next to his mother with Uther occupying his usual seat; he wanted to know why the man was there but it seemed that until Merlin decided to abandon the room, their conversation was only meant to be a casual talk on meaningless topics. They weren’t going to discuss anything substantial with Merlin there and a part of him told him to stay there only to teased his mother and Uther –because, honestly, when could he ever get a second chance of doing that ever again?- but finally decided that he had been already a great pain for his mother’s temple and left her there so the two could have some privacy.

And by privacy, Merlin of course meant sitting in the stair cases to ease-drop on every word they shared.

“Interesting boy” he heard Uther saying. There was no response from his mother so he could only assume she had nodded in agreement and hopefully giving the man her look of Don’t-talk-about-my-boy or so Merlin wished for.

“I’m sorry Mr. Pendragon..” she said after a couple of quiet seconds that he presumed had been wasted drinking ceremoniously their cups of tea. “Uther” he said interrupting her.

“Mr. Pendragon” his mother repeated with a strong tone in her voice making Merlin feel nothing but pride. If there was one person in this house that could ever face Uther Pendragon with dignity and walk away from the confrontation it had to be his mother because Merlin could never even be in the same room with him without feeling his legs failing. “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you with this” she said adding an extra emphasis on “this” making Merlin’s curiosity feel famish for information.

“I do not ask for something too terrible Hunith” he said, feeling the coldness in his voice as he said every letter in his mother’s name.

“It is terrible for those who are involved” she said. Merlin heard the sound of footsteps but he couldn’t distinguish who they belong to; a clicking of porcelain assured him that it had been his mother collecting the cups from their hands. “And I don’t feel comfortable with you asking me this” she added.

The sound of his mother’s voice seemed to travel from the distant corner of the couch in the living room to a closer spot to Merlin’s hiding place. He lift up his feet so the light from the corridor didn’t light up and gave away his presence but a part of him suspected his mother knew perfectly well where he was.

“I understand it sounds difficult but rest assure that my intentions are nothing but noble. I just want to do what is best” he said, hearing his voice coming closer to his mother’s position.

“I’m sure you mean _well_ Mr. Pendragon” Hunith said. “But what you asked me is not only unethical but also, it would mean an abuse of my power and I would not do that”. After that Merlin couldn’t hear anything more, feeling the silence that was building between the two figures and sensing the over-all atmosphere of tension that had grew inside the room.

“I’ll give you some more time to think about it Hunith” he said and he could see the look of defiance in his mother’s face; he didn’t know what they were talking about, didn’t know what “this” was meant to mean but he was certain that even if his mother could have all the time in the world to ponder on it, she would never change her mind.

The sound of the door being open and the wind drifting by outside his house gave Merlin some more confidence to lower his position from the stairs so he could see the two shadows next to threshold. He doesn’t know why but he simply can tell his mother has her arms crossed over her chest, looking as defensively as a lioness protecting her cub –were they been talking about him then? He asked himself-. “I hope we can come to an agreement eventually and that I see you this Saturday for lunch” he added; there was no response from his mother. The only sound he heard before stepping inside the room was the sound of a door being closed and an Uther being left speechless.

Merlin didn’t have to ask his mother about the subject. She knew very well she will never see the end of his inquiry unless she came clean immediately but as well, she couldn’t forget her motherly duties. “Why so late Merlin?” she asked going back to the table and picking up the cups to drive them to the kitchen sink.

“I lost track of time in the library” he said following her and waiting for her, sitting on his seat by the table. Hunith took a couple of seconds before reappearing and after seeing his son there, waiting for an explanation with the most angelical face he could produce, she sighed with fatigue and sat at the top of the table.

“Did something interesting happen in the library?” she asked.

“Not as interesting as what happened here” Merlin replied and his mother sighed again.

“You must promise me to not say any of this to anybody” she said with a serious expression and dead-serious eyes. Merlin chuckled even when the scene didn’t call for it. “Who I could talk about this?” he asked before realizing what a massive hint he had dropped at her about him and Arthur; he knew that could only get her even more concerned for him but it seemed that at the moment, Hunith was going to ignore this new information.

“It is very serious Merlin” she said and he nodded back at her, he was dying to know the truth. “Uther came here this afternoon looking very distraught… I actually felt real sorry for him for a couple of seconds but once he had seemed to be calmer I saw that he wasn’t so terribly miserable as he seemed” she said making sure her anger could pass through her words. “He was quite straight forward about it and he said so coldly it made my blood chilled at the idea someone so selfish could actually exist…”

“Mom, what happened?” he asked when his mother seemed lost in her thoughts and the curiosity was biting the back of his neck. He knew it had to be something truly bad to make his mother feel so terrible about it.

“He asked me if I could talk with Mithian and Arthur to make them change their minds about the adoption process” she said. “He said that since they both trusted me so much, it would be easier for me to practically coarse them to do what he wants”

“I don’t understand” Merlin said, not getting the whole picture entirely as he felt he was missing an important clue there. “I thought Uther had been glad with the arrangement. I thought he wanted for the baby to disappear from Arthur’s life”

“And he still does” his mother and Merlin could see where all the anger had come from before in her stand. “He wants to take the baby and raise it himself” she added. “I’m sure he feels that it would be like a clean slate for him to start over with a new child”

“That can’t be true” Merlin said although, he didn’t know Uther Pendragon that well to actually know what was the man capable of. Hunith nodded at him, listening to his disbelief with sadness in her eyes. Merlin knew what his mother was thinking about; he had also believed before that Uther was actually trying to be a reassuring presence for Mithian and Arthur all alone but it hadn’t been anything but a scheme from his side. Trying to win over Mithian’s favor by faking concern for her was just the lowest of all points. “What are you going to do about it?”

Hunith moved her head back and forward, this didn’t seem like a case she could tackle so easily; things had been so simple before, neither of her past cases had involved so much drama for her to handle. It seemed she was lost without a true idea of what to do next, so Merlin decided to help her in what he could do. “Are you going the tell Mithian about it?” he asked and after a couple of seconds he added “Or Arthur?”

“How could I do that?” she asked and the grief in her voice made Merlin’s heart ache. “Mithian was so happy Uther was being so kind to her and Arthur… oh god, how could I tell someone his father would betrayed him like that? There’s no way to said it simply”

Merlin got up from his chair and walked to Hunith’s side. He grabbed her shoulder with kindness and kissed her in the head. “We have time to think about this but it’s late and you need to rest” he said and his mother smiled at him with a warm smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes entirely. He made the walk to his room with a strong conviction inside his mind; he had to make a phone call.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

It’s only once he has his cell phone out of his pocket and standing in front of him that the sudden realization that he had never called Arthur before hits him. Merlin had saved the number only because his mother asked him to –it had been once Arthur had received his “permission” to reassume his visits- but since Arthur either spent all of his time next to Merlin or that he had left him making very clear he didn’t want anything else with him, the need to ring him became none existent.

He wasn’t sure if he was to call Arthur and explain everything that he had learned in the night but he knew that he couldn’t be left oblivious that something was happening. That and perhaps Merlin could take advantage and talk to Arthur about “them” even when he knew that there wasn’t no “them” or at least, not anymore.

But before everything had happened –before the kiss in his dark room- he had been Arthur’s friend, he had enjoyed the position for a while and he had to do something to help his friend even when the single thought of just calling him made his heart ache.

He pressed the button and waited, feeling as his stomach made his slow path up to his throat for an answer. The call connected and Merlin took a massive drew of breath before speaking. He was actually surprised that the call had even gone through, he had assumed that Arthur would ignore him for all eternity but he was glad that the man had shown some change of heart. “Hello?” he asked but there was no response; he could hear some music playing in the background but he couldn’t distinguish what song it was or who was singing. “Hello?” he tried again and waited, was this Arthur’s way of torturing him? Letting him know he could be heard but doing nothing about it? Why was he being treated so badly from his side when everything that had happened had been half of his undoing and the other half came from Arthur’s side?

“Hi” said a voice that Merlin immediately recognized it didn’t belong to Arthur. It was a female, high-pitched voice that made Merlin felt sick in his stomach. If a woman was answering Arthur’s phone that could only mean that Arthur was with somebody else… already. “Hi?” the woman repeated and a part of him wished to know to whom the voice belonged while the other was asking him to end the call before he knew too much or regretted it even more than he was already doing it.

He cleared his throat before talking. No, he thought, this wasn’t about him and Arthur he had to remind himself of; this was Arthur’s need to know the truth and Merlin’s duty to be his friend even when he was already regretting his stand. “Is Arthur there?” he asked before the girl would hang up on him.

She didn’t answer immediately and Merlin felt how the pain in his chest increased when she started to laugh through the other line; he tried to ignore the mental pictures he was creating, imagining what Arthur was doing to make her laugh like that. “Sorry…” she said while still laughing “He’s a little bit busy right now but I can take a message for him”. There was a sound in the background that Merlin could not distinguished but he didn’t want to waste any more time trying to know what Arthur was doing, it could only make him fall down and sob and he had to be strong, he couldn’t just let everybody know how much this was killing him and how much it hurt him to think of anybody touching _his_ Arthur… he couldn’t left anybody know because he had never been _his_ Arthur to begin with. “Helloooo?” she asked and Merlin returned to reality “I don’t know… I think he hanged up” he heard and he knew she wasn’t talking to him.

“Just tell him Merlin called” he finally said.

“He said is Merl…” but he could never hear the rest for the call ended abruptly from the other side. He knew he had to think about what had happened; he knew he had to think about it until he could reach a rational answer but the weight of the entire day fell over his shoulders all of the sudden and all that Merlin could wish for was a good night of dreamless sleep. He felt he had gone through so much in just twenty-four hours that it was the least his brain could give him: just a night without sensing Arthur’s presence over him.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He woke up to a Friday with no sun and a gentle rain falling outside his window, the wind sending one of the wildest branch from the fir against the crystal making a slow and tender rhythm that would finally woke him up entirely. A sleepless night, he thought before getting up from his bed and making the slow pace into his shower; that was the only thing he had asked and of course, he didn’t get it. His mind had been harassed all night with pictures of Arthur with other girls: Arthur with Sophia kissing her rose neck; Arthur and Vivian stroking her pale cheeks and even Arthur with Mithian, the heat and passion between their bodies while they shared a violent –and yet desirable- embrace. He let a string of cold water fall through his back, thinking that perhaps the cool contact would help him ease his mind but it did nothing for him.

It was only once he was drinking his tea and eating his scrambled eggs that he remembered the small detail of Morgana and Morgause arriving the same day. Uther would most certainly be there to receive the two women and now that he knew the man’s true intentions, he didn’t eve dare to imagine what sort of welcome he could have prepare for them.

“Are you going to be with Mithian for when Morgana and Morgause arrive?” he asked his mother. Hunith seemed slightly calmer than she had been the night before but Merlin could easily see the marks of concern drawn around her eyes.

“Mithian asked me too on Wednesday” she said nodding before drinking from her own cup “But I’m not sure how I could handle been there with Uther knowing all of this” she said and Merlin nodded back at her. It was what he had feared as well but he couldn’t forget about Mithian’s kindness and need at the moment; he knew she would appreciate with all of her heart for his mother’s help.

“You can’t leave her alone on this” he said and his mother nodded once again. “I know” she said with a sigh, “I know”

“When do they get here?” he asked her.

“This afternoon, pass lunch hour. Apparently they had to do some real magical tricks to get Morgause some time away from the hospital” she said. He had almost forgotten about the woman’s strange behavior contrasted against her wife’s enthusiasm but now it wasn’t the time for him to think too much about something that obviously had a very simple and easy answer if he concentrated himself on it. Merlin smiled back at his mother before standing up and picking up his backpack before leaving for school.

“You seem better today” she said, looking at him kindly; Merlin stared at the floor, having forgotten about how concern his mother had been for himself before. He still didn’t feel quite his usual self but it was only because the rush of strength that had swirled inside of him; he knew the new found energy would soon faltered but there was no point on concerning his mother about it. If she had to think that he felt better so she could help the others, than Merlin would be better for her. “I feel it too” he lied hoping she wouldn’t notice it. He left her with a final smile before shutting the door behind him and started to walk under the cold rain.

The hood of his jacket was pulled up over his head so his hair wouldn’t be an unstoppable mess throughout the day and he was glad he could have the subtle protection over half of his face for that moment. Just the idea of remembering what had happened the night before, feeling the weight of his own cell phone dangling inside his pocket, brought shy tears to his eyes. He just had to get rid of such inconvenient feelings before he reach the threshold of the school’s main entrance. Merlin had some good twenty minutes to let the pain out of his chest before facing the new day.

He looked above his head and stared at the grey sky, feeling the rain drops falling through his cheeks; he hoped that if somebody asked him why his face seemed so wet he could blame it on the rain but then of course, who could even ask him such thing? He had made a choice before; he had chosen Arthur’s friendship over the other’s and now was paying the price. He dried his eyes before entering the main hall and walk to his locker. Fortunately for him, Friday would be a short day –only three classes- and he would be back at his home, to his mother’s side sooner than later.

When he walked into his first class he received a strange nod from Gwaine’s side that he tried to ignore. He can’t think about Arthur at this moment and frankly, he wished he could just stop thinking about Arthur at all; he wished he could erase the man from his brain even though he doesn’t believe himself as he thinks about it. Merlin knows very well his life would be emptier without at least one happy memory from his time with him and he curses himself for it. Merlin sat on his usual spot receiving the now usual silent treatment from Will who is sitting in front of him alone with Freya; Elena is nowhere to be found so he assumed she had to skip class today. A small part of him actually managed to feel some form of happiness for his friend and Freya: he knows how much they would enjoy having a whole day for them to share their mutual presence.

Merlin doesn’t hate Will for punching him and he doesn’t feel resentment towards Freya when she didn't defend him. If he didn’t have their friendship anymore it was because he had preferred Arthur’s and he couldn’t blame them for taking sides and feeling angry although, he can’t help himself on wishing he could have at least one friend left so he could explain what he was going through with.

It was too late for that, he had burned all of his bridges now and he was left there alone.

Just as he was thinking about that, he felt a presence sitting by his side; he looked to his right and found Gwaine’s relaxed grin staring back at him. “Hi mate” he said to him but Merlin didn’t reply; he’s not in the mood for Gwaine’s enigmatic messages today. “I don’t mean to disturb you but I was wondering if you sorted things out with your… errr, friend” he added.

Just the mention of his “friend” made Merlin feel weaker again and Gwaine picked up his reaction. “I take that’s a no” he said before placing his hand over Merlin’s shoulder in a strange gesture of camaraderie, something Merlin had almost forgotten entirely about. “Don’t worry about it” he finally said before the silence became too long and Gwaine’s hand felt too heavy over him. “I think he figured things out by himself just fine” Merlin said. 

Gwaine smiled at him, ignorant of the true meaning of his words. “Really? What did he do?” he asked and Merlin tried to hold back a sarcastic smile from his face. “Oh, he probably did a blonde one over his bed, I’ll say” he answered him and the other understood him just fine. His grin dropped from his face but the grip over Merlin’s shoulder became stronger.

“Don’t worry about him” he told Merlin before getting up from the chair and walking back to his table with Percival “He’s an asshole” he added in a whisper to his ear but Merlin didn’t laugh at it. Suddenly, he can’t think he will find things funny ever again.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

For the first in what feels like forever, Merlin can honestly say he was doing something involving Arthur Pendragon for his mother and he doesn’t know what to make of it. They had made the entire walk to Pendragon Manor because neither of them felt the necessary strength to make the call; they walked in silence, one at the side of the other, Merlin carrying his mother’s arm with his own and exchanging casual glances at her side. He had to be strong for her and couldn’t leave her alone facing Uther Pendragon.

Hunith rang the bell outside the gate and they walked to the entrance again in complete silence after they had been granted permission to step inside. The door opened before they had reached the portico and Mithian was there waiting for them –actually, waiting for Merlin’s mother but if she didn’t wish for Merlin to be there she didn’t show it in her kind smile and Merlin appreciated the gesture-. They shared a gentle kiss and entered inside the place; Merlin was doing his best trying to ignore the memories that seemed to fly over him about his last time there but he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. “Please come inside” Mithian said grabbing Hunith’s hand with hers and pulling her away from Merlin’s grip; he smiled at his mother, making her sure he was okay with it and followed the two women to the sitting room he already knew. “I’m so glad you came Hunith, I felt so nervous all week” she told her while the three of them sat on a red-velveteen sofa.

“You shouldn’t” his mother said, reassuring her while gently caressing her hand. “Remember to stay calm, everything would be fine”

“I just hope they found themselves comfortable here” Mithian said, whispering to Hunith’s ear, clearly not wishing for Merlin to hear her insecurities. He knew he had to give the two women a time alone for confidence but the idea of wandering around the manor while Arthur was inside the walls seemed to be withholding him into the soft red pillow under him. When Hunith looked at his direction and gave him a sympathetic look, Merlin understood that it didn’t matter how much it would cost him, he had to leave them alone. He nodded in agreement and excused himself to the bathroom; he felt an instant wave of relief once Mithian instructed him to find a bathroom that he knew was nowhere near to Arthur’s room.

He didn’t actually felt like going so he remained sitting over the cold marble floor waiting for a considerable amount of time to pass for them to discuss everything they had to talk about but not long enough so she wouldn’t get the wrong idea of what he could be doing inside. After some good ten minutes passed and Merlin’s ass felt cold with the contact, he decided it was enough time for him to come back. As he closed the door and said goodbye to the perfectly styled place with its two perfectly-rounded mirrors and lavender-scented towels, he stumbled face to face with Arthur who was clearly not expecting for him to arise from his bathroom on a Friday afternoon if his face of shock was to be believed.

Remembering the man’s reaction two days before in the library, Merlin took a big breath and walked away from him without even giving him a second look. What should have made him feel better about himself only sunk him deeper inside his own tragedy.

He was almost making the whole way back to the sitting room when he felt an arm stopping him from behind; he didn’t know what he was ready to do but he wasn't going to let Arthur’s troubles darken his mission there so he turned around with an upset look on his face, ready for a face-off. But he didn’t found Arthur’s blond hair, instead he was left standing in front of Leon’s ginger locks. The man was smiling at him and Merlin felt the need to pay him back in courtesy but of course, his smile didn’t seem that convincing for Leon’s faltered instantly at seeing it.

“Merlin, is everything alright?” he asked and Merlin shrugged his shoulders. “I’m fine” he said knowing Leon would not buy any of what he had to say but he couldn’t be worrying somebody else with his problems when there were more pressing matters happening at that moment.

“Where are you going?” he asked him and Merlin explained how he had came there to accompany his mother so she wouldn’t feel too lonely around such large place. This seemed to calmthe man a little bit more and he tag alone with him to the sitting room. Arthur was already sitting there –in the furthest sofa from Mithian’s position, a monumental beast of furniture that could shelter an entire family- but didn’t look up when he heard the two of them entering.

“This is Leon” Mithian told Hunith, making the necessary introductory steps between Hunith and the man; he smiled at her and his mother did the same. Leon sat by Hunith’s side and started to ask all the proper questions about her job and life while Mithian remained at Hunith’s right. If Merlin would have gone to sit there as well, at least one person would have been feeling uncomfortable so Merlin sat in the remaining empty sofa of the room. He was staring at the crystal coffee table doing his best at not thinking about anything related to a blonde man and perhaps he could have been successful that day if Arthur would not had walked to his side and asked to accompany him to his room. Merlin felt the stare of three pair of eyes in front of him as he thought about his answer; he knew his mother’s eyes were urging him to think this very thoroughly while Leon’s one were asking to say yes because he still believed –foolishly- that he could help his cousin. He didn’t know what to think of Mithian’s expression at that second but a part of him seemed to think she had giving him a small nod of encouragement before dropping her eyes to her belly. It didn’t seem as he had too many options so he left the room, following behind Arthur’s back.

Once Merlin calculated they were far enough for the rest to listen to him he stopped and leaned his back the wall of hall. It seemed they were on a part of the Manor that didn’t get use too often as all the doors seemed to have been closed for far too long. When Arthur didn’t hear his footsteps behind him, he turned around and stared at Merlin but he didn’t bother on trying to read the man’s expression.

“What are you doing there?” he asked but Merlin didn’t look at his right where he knew he would meet Arthur’s gaze.

“I have nothing to say to you Arthur, I only came with you so I didn’t disturb my mother or Mithian” he said, surprised with the coldness in his own voice. It was a feature he didn’t know he could find inside of him. “But as far as I’m concern, there’s nothing for us to talk about”

“Merlin…” he said but Merlin didn’t leave him finish. “No Arthur” he said tired “I don’t think my brain can listen to you apologizing again”

“I wasn’t going to apologize” Arthur said and Merlin laughed one time –very dryly and without finding the funny side to any of it-. “It wasn’t an apology, more like an explanation” Arthur added ignoring Merlin’s resilience to engage in the conversation.

“Then save it Arthur. I don’t care what you are going to explain”

“If you don’t really care, than what are you doing here?” he asked and Merlin could have wished he would have the necessary strength to walk towards Arthur’s side and hit him right in the pretentious chin.

“I’m here to be with my mother you pretentious asshole” he said, probably raising his voice more than he had intended for. “As surprising as it may be for you, I don’t do everything for you Arthur” he said bitterly.

“Are you going to listen to me at least?” he asked him and Merlin could feel Arthur had walked closer to him but he remained in his spot, still not looking at his right. “Are you going to say something new besides “I’m sorry” or that would be it?” he asked with a mocking tone. “Because honestly, it’s getting old”

“I know you hate me Merlin…” but Merlin didn’t leave him finish again. Finally, finding the strength in him he looked at Arthur and with a stone-cold glare right into the man’s watery eyes told him: “I don’t hate you Arthur… I feel sorry for you”. He turned around feeling the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. No, he thought, he wasn’t going to cry again, not ever again.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Morgana and Morgause had arrived without causing as much of the fuzz that everyone had feared off. They had installed themselves in one of the many vacant rooms and after sharing a nice cup of tea and some biscuits with all the guests, they went to their room to rest. Merlin left with his mother by the end of the afternoon while there was still some daylight left in the sky, having refused multiple times Leon’s suggestion to drive them back to their house. It wasn’t they didn’t feel tired after a day filled with strong emotions it was just that they didn’t want to handle more polite talks when neither of them felt capable of making them. They walked back in silence and went to bed after eating some soup that had been froze from days before; they said their goodbyes before going to bed and both feel asleep easily.

Mother and son dreamt of troublesome things but they didn’t talk about it the next morning.

They still had their lunch date at Pendragon Manor but it was obvious for the two that neither of them was eager to attend. Once again, Hunith’s loyalty towards Mithian won over their true feelings and an hour before noon, Leon’s blue car was parked outside their house waiting for them to bring them back to the Manor. They traveled in silence but Merlin could see how his mother felt more at ease next to Leon’s presence. Merlin made the mental note than once everything would be over and he would never have anything to do with the Pendragons, he would make sure of saying a very long and felted goodbye to the man of curly hair. It was the least he could do.

The lunch wasn’t a disastrous as he had feared for and even, for short periods of time he actually enjoyed himself even thought these moments were never ever lasting. His heart felt happy at the sight of a nervous Morgana doing her best to look cool and relaxed when all that she wanted was to prove herself a respectable candidate; Merlin knew that there wasn’t too much that she could keep doing to make Mithian change her mind: if there was someone eating at that obscenely large table the Pendragons used for small and simple lunches, that would deserved to be loved and love a child in return it was her. It was actually quite endearing to see a woman that seemed so in control of everything walking around nervous around Mithian as if she was made of glass. Once everything was over and he had checked Uther didn’t approach his mother during the whole evening, Merlin felt more relaxed and ready to return to his home.

They were resting from the meal on the sitting room when Merlin noticed –even though he could have sworn he wasn’t paying attention to it all- that Arthur was missing. He was determined to not left the man disturb him at least for one day but a part of him was determined as well to let this be his last visit at the place and that only meant he needed closure. He got up, nobody truly noticing it, Morgana and Mithian too busy talking about one of Morgana’s latest published books while Morgause lingered next to her looking distracted on something else and Hunith discussing with Leon his work as an architect. Uther had obviously disappear once the meal had been over but he didn’t fear of meeting randomly the man around the place; in all purposes intended, it may even be more pleasant meeting the house owner than his son. 

He made the walk he still remember to Arthur’s room and knocked on the door just once. When there was no answer, he entered none the less certain he was going to find him there.

Merlin had been right:

Arthur was on top of his bed seemingly napping with his eyes closed and his breath steady and calm. For a moment, Merlin considered letting him rest and leave at that moment but if he didn’t do this now, then it would never happen again. He walked to the bed and moved him softly from his position; if Arthur was indeed napping than he didn’t have a very deep sleep because he woke up immediately after the touch. He rubbed his eyes looking confused at Merlin and get up quickly from his bed.

“What are you doing here?” he asked defensively and Merlin couldn’t blame him for it. He let go the breath he didn’t know he was holding and sat by the left edge of Arthur’s bed while the owner remained seated at the other side. “I came to say goodbye” he said sensing the change in Arthur’s posture. Before he could stop it, Arthur had moved himself to Merlin’s side and was now seated next to him.

“As in forever?” Arthur asked with a childlike innocence that made Merlin’s heart break a little bit. “I don’t think we will talk in the future so might as well do it right while I'm here and I can” he said.

“I fucked everything” Arthur said and it wasn’t a question. Not truly, if felt like the terrible self realization Merlin had refused to listen the day before. “I wish I could say sorry but at this point, I don’t know to what I would be apologizing anymore” Merlin didn’t say anything else, all the words he had prepared before entering the room were gone and the pain in his chest seemed more alive than ever. “I guess it would be easier if you just hate me for everything instead of being sorry”

“I didn’t mean it that way…” he said in a whisper but Arthur held his hand interrupting his words. Merlin knew he had to let the hand go but if it was the last time, than it couldn’t be that bad. “You don’t have to explain yourself; I deserve your pity and your hatred”

“No” Merlin said holding tighter to Arthur’s hand. “I didn’t say it for that. I said I felt sorry because I’ve been where you are, I know what it's like to not know what you want”. Arthur intertwined his fingers with Merlin’s and laughed sadly at his side. “Don’t laugh Arthur, I’m being serious” Merlin said.

“I’m sorry” Arthur told him and Merlin could feel him getting closer to his side. “Is just that… it was never about not knowing what I wanted, it was knowing what I wanted but not knowing what to do with it” he said. Merlin felt the breath of the man closer to his face and for a moment, he wished to push him aside, to leave him alone but the strength of Arthur’s fingers was higher. “Arthur” he said in almost a quiet whisper.

“Merlin…” Arthur said back, his mouth almost touching of his neck.

“I’m sorry” Merlin said finding the strength he had felt before and standing up from the bed, breaking Arthur’s grip. “I’m sorry but if you think you can kiss me and act like nothing happened, as if you didn’t fuck a girl two nights ago then you don’t know me at all”

“Can I ask you something, Merlin?” Arthur asked not sounding as upset as Merlin had suspected he would be after interrupting the moment. “Have you ever been told all your life that you have to be one way and when you discovered that there is another way of being, you just don’t know how to react?”

“If you are looking for me to feel sorry for your existential crisis Arthur, is not going to happen” he said and Arthur got up but didn’t walk towards Merlin. “I’m not asking you to feel sorry, I want you to listen to me and for once in your life leave all your hate and anger at me behind”

“So you want me to feel sympathy over you then?” he asked.

“No, I want you to feel empathy” he said, tighten the line of his jaw feeling the rage building inside of him. “You think it was easy for me to discover that everything I thought about myself had been wrong all alone? I never felt this was before and I don’t know what to do about it”

“That’s why you went to Gwaine before?” Merlin asked angry himself feeling his eyes wet. “Why you fucked who-ever-she-was before? I’m sorry Arthur but I just can’t be your bisexual experiment, alright? Do you have any idea how used I felt that night waking up alone and the only thing you had left was a stupid song? I saw you in the library the other day and you were reading love poems and didn’t have the guts to talk to me! How am I supposed to feel about that beyond hearten?”

Now the tears were back and Merlin hated himself for it; he felt his legs weak and wished for him to rest on Arthur’s bed but he couldn’t show himself vulnerable at him. “I told you I like you and you left. I kissed you and you left… what I should do now Arthur? Give you a third chance for you to leave?”

“I want a new chance” Arthur said, tears streaming down his face as well. “I want to prove myself to you. I want to be with you Merlin! I want to spend all my days with you so badly it hurts me!”

“I came here to say goodbye and I’m doing it Arthur… Goodbye” he said and as he took a step back, Arthur took a step forward. "No" Arthur said. He said goodbye a couple of more times but Arthur always replied with a stubborn “No” and a step forward until Merlin was with his back pressed against the door and Arthur was only one step away from his face.

“I’m not letting you leave me again Merlin, I need you here” Arthur said and he closed his eyes.

In the end, he didn’t know what had been the worst of all: Arthur’s insistency or Merlin’s joy while the other kissed him one more time. The only thing he knew was that he didn’t want the moment to be over at the same time he wanted to leave. Merlin was certain that from that moment on, things were only going to be more complicated than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Most likely, the next chapter would come sooner than next Saturday, probably on Thursday, I'm just excited over all of your love for the story-


	11. Loose Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We won't stop until somebody calls the cops  
> And even then we'll start again and just pretend that  
> Nothing ever happened 
> 
> We're just dancing, we're just hugging,  
> Singing, screaming, kissing, tugging  
> On the sleeve of how it used to be

It wasn’t as if Merlin was running around the halls of Pendragon Manor but he was certainly pacing aggressively around the place; the thing was that for Merlin, the sooner he got out of the place, the safer he would feel.

Everything started right after Arthur had kissed Merlin –or Merlin had let Arthur kissed him, held his hands and hugged him with his back pressed against the door-. Merlin had felt the need to drink a glass of cold water –and take a cold shower as well but one was easier to get than the other when you are a guest at somebody’s home- and he left Arthur’s room unceremoniously without saying a proper goodbye; he just had to walk away from the heat as soon as possible, before he found himself doing something he could either regret or really enjoy, it was a small specter to be in.

He knew there was a bathroom close to the room but for the life of him, he was so dizzy from the touch of Arthur’s lips and the weight of his own lust that he was utterly lost around the place; it seemed every door he opened led him to another empty room and it was getting frustrating. Merlin approached one last door before considering giving up and walking back to Arthur’s room to deal with something he didn’t know what it was, so he did it with shyly: luckily for him, he didn’t found another empty door, unluckily for him the room was filled with the intimidating presences of Uther Pendragon and Morgause. The door was opened only by one small centimeter and he hesitated whether to leave or not; there was the itchy bug of curiosity in the back of his head, instigating him to stay. Fortunately, his presence had gone unnoticed so far as they seem to be standing in the furthest corner of the room. Merlin saw the back of the blonde slim figure and a hint of a scalp down in the background; Morgause’s postures seemed to show her at ease with the presence of the other man, something that surprised Merlin having never actually seen the woman relaxed not even when she was with her own wife. They were both whispering quietly but he could pick up a couple of random words, trying to attach them into an actual conversation.

“…ready for now” Uther said.

“… won’t…” he heard Morgause saying. Then there was a brief silence, probably both of them exchanging suspicious looks with the other and after a couple of more seconds, Uther started to mumble even quieter than before. By that moment, Merlin was only picking scattered syllables and was almost done with the ease-dropping when one single sentence came to his hears untouched: “I’m going to leave her anyway”. The shock of this truth made him forget where he was standing and he held to the door with a strong grip that made the old wood creek in protest. The room’s environment suddenly felt very cold and Merlin, never the best at improvising his next moves, closed the door quickly and ran for his life…

That had been almost five minutes ago and he still couldn’t found his old way to either Arthur’s room or the sitting room where he knew his mother would protect him if Uther or Morgause attempt to kill him. It wasn’t his bravest move but at this point, if he managed to leave the house walking on his two legs intact he could consider the evening a success.

He made a turn to the left when he ran right into Arthur’s face with his own; it wasn’t as sensual as their last contact have being but his heart was racing and his back was filled with sweat. “I thought you had lost yourself” Arthur said after recovering from the impact, with a big smile that didn’t compare to Merlin’s mood. He obviously noticed it immediately –because Arthur was probably connected with Merlin’s mind by this point- and held his shoulder kindly, bringing him closer to his own chest. “What is it?” he asked but Merlin couldn’t meet his blue eyes.

“I think I should go back to the sitting room” he said before the silence became too long between them “My mum probably wants to go back home by now”. He let himself go from Arthur’s grip and turned around to what he assumed was the right direction back to the room; he ignored Arthur’s expression and the gentle curve his lips made when he felt unhappy or hurt. He couldn’t concentrate on anything as he walked with the other behind him in silence; there were too many variables inside his head and he didn’t even know where to start. It wasn’t even about him and Arthur anymore –that was a stone too big for him to turn around and see what it hide- but now there was also Uther and Morgause. How could he tell Arthur that his father was conspiring to ruin what he desire the most: to see his child have a family that would love him?

When he came back followed by Arthur, he could feel his mother’s piercing and curious gaze over him but he did his best to ignore it. The words that seemed trapped on the tip of his tongue belonged to a conversation best to be held back at the safety of his home. Hunith seemed more relax than when he had left her and Mithian seemed even more pregnant than he could remember. Morgana was nowhere to be seen –probably had gone to the bathroom herself or going after her wife- and Leon was sitting on the furthest sofa reading a book of his own. Merlin smiled at his mother, the always subtle cue they had established ever since Merlin had been a little boy, hinting he wished to leave now and she gave him a small nod in response. She got up filled with class and dignity and gave a small smile to Mithian. “I think is time for us to leave now” she said politely. Mithian seemed as she could have protested at that but she seemed tired as well and smiled back at Hunith. Merlin saw Leon quickly closing down his book and felt more than ready to accept his offer of driving them back –the sooner they got back, the sooner he would feel safe- but the ginger man didn’t have the chance to start speaking before Arthur volunteer for his cousin’s duty. He felt hesitant at first to accept what he had to say –God knew car rides with Arthur were one of his weak spots- but the same logic applied: the sooner, the better. Besides, it wasn’t as if Arthur was going to try to do something about the two of them with Merlin’s mother in the same place.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“I missed you” Arthur said breaking the silence inside his car. The heat was on and a small drizzle was falling outside; Merlin almost got his face pressed against the crystal of the window as he take the backseat behind his mother. He didn’t trust himself enough to ride back with Arthur’s hand at one small movement away from his own. The words took him by surprise, feeling the sudden panic at the thought of his mother knowing what he had done less than an hour before. It was only until he removed his left cheek from the cold of the glass that he realized that Arthur was talking to his mother.

“Oh Arthur, I missed you to” Hunith said and Merlin could listen his mother’s honest words with ache in his heart. He wasn’t sure what was Arthur aiming with this heart-to-heart talk but if he honestly thought he could come back going to his home and try to be his friend again, then he was nothing but crazy. “But I think it has been for the best you took a time for yourself, right?” Hunith added.

Merlin didn’t want to look at Arthur’s direction but he could easily notice how the man’s posture changed with his mother’s words. He wasn’t sure if it had been a conscious decision from her part but making his disappearance his own decision certainly drawn a reaction out of Arthur.  “I suppose it was” Arthur said in a low whisper. The sight of Merlin’s house was almost right by the corner and he couldn’t wait for the moment he would be out and inside the comfort of his own room and bed. It didn’t occur to him for one second the idea of Hunith inviting Arthur over for a cup of tea but once the possibility started to drift around his mind, he could feel his strength draining from his body.

Arthur parked outside the entrance of the house and turned off the car’s engine. Oh god, Merlin thought he was going to enter at his place; Merlin just knew the second he would step back into the warm ambient that the living room meant, he would never leave again. Why did he felt so suddenly such repulsion at the idea of being with Arthur? He wasn’t sure what was the real reason but a part of him told him it had nothing to do with what had happened before. If he had to be honest with himself for one second, Merlin knew very well that that kiss had been the only bright thing he had experienced all day long.

“Thank you darling for giving us a lift” Hunith said and Merlin thanked his mother with all of his heart. “And do thank your father for having us” she added and suddenly, the lose knots that had been floating around Merlin’s head during the drive back felt instantly connected to one another. He didn’t want to be with Arthur because he didn’t want to be by his side, it was just the idea of holding such a powerful truth from him that made his stomach feel sick.

Hunith got down from the car and Merlin lingered for a second in his seat; his mother didn’t seem to notice him staying behind and if she did, she didn’t say anything about it. Merlin’s fingers were running shyly around the handle, not wanting to meet the other man’s eyes even though he could perfectly felt Arthur’s gaze upon him. “Are you mad at me again?” Arthur asked him. “No” he answered still not being able to locked eyes with him.

“Are you still scare?” he asked and finally, Merlin felt brave enough to meet his eyes; to watch the face of pure innocence Arthur showed him made everything even more difficult that it had been moments before. How could he not tell this man everything that was inside of him? How could he ever resist again to those eyes and lips? “I was never scared Arthur” he said with a sad smile he knew would do nothing to calm the other’s anxiety and curiosity. “Angry, yes and frustrated at you, certainly… but I never felt fear” he said.

Arthur chuckled at this but the smile that briefly appeared on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I have to leave now” Merlin said opening the door and getting down of the car; he didn’t know when it had started but the shivers running down his legs made his exit less than graceful.

They didn’t say any form of goodbyes this time and as Merlin saw Arthur’s car driving off from his street, the thought of returning to the room that had witnessed their first kiss did not feel as unbearable as he had suspected it would.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

When he got inside, his mother of course was waiting for him sitting on the couch with a cup of tea on her hands and another waiting for him over the coffee table. Merlin let a brief sigh escape from his lips before stepping inside the room and sitting by his mother’s side. He held the cup between his palms, not sure how to start or which words would let him express the grand truth he was holding inside of him. Fortunately, there was no need for him to find some words of overture for his mother was more than ready to start and conduct this conversation by her own.

“I don’t suppose you would tell me what happened between you and Arthur, right love?” she asked with one eyebrow rised entirely and her lips hidden behind the pale porcelain of her cup. Merlin didn’t meet his mother’s inquisitive eyes but felt how his cheeks turned as red as his pants. “I’m just glad to see you made up. It have been killing me this past days to see you so heartbroken for him; I was about one more day to storm into that boy’s house and give him the lecture of his life about how he had no right to go around hurting my little boy” she added and Merlin could hear the ease teasing tone she was using and even though Hunith’s words could have been easily mistaken by a joke, he knew very well his mother was more than capable of pulling such stunt on her own.

“We both had some explaining to do with the other” was all that Merlin could think of saying without revealing too much about how much they had either yelled or kissed at the other. He knew it wasn’t as near as what his mother would considerer sufficient to quench her thirst but it was a good start that would leave her happy for now.

“Now, are you going to tell me why did we have to leave so suddenly? Or those it had to do with Arthur as well?” she asked him.

“I may have walked into a private conversation I shouldn’t have listen to” Merlin said, relief the pressure from him and Arthur was off but nervous as well about sharing what he knew with somebody else. “Care to elaborate that?” she asked and he could see his mother held nothing but kind intentions, if there was somebody in this world that would do good with what he knew it was her. “Uther and Morgause were talking in an empty room, it looked very secretive” he said.

“And why where you sneaking around empty rooms, Merlin?” she asked. “I was looking for a bathroom to refresh myself…” but when he saw Hunith’s eyebrow rising once again he quickly added, “I mean, I was looking for a bathroom and I opened the door” he said.

“And what did you hear there?” she asked and Merlin took a big chunk of air before speaking. “Morgause is leaving Morgana and I think Uther is going to take advantage of that to take away the baby”

His mother’s expression fell to the floor with his words. Any hint of amusement she may have felt before was completely eradicated and nothing but concern and anger could be read from her kind features. “Are you sure about this?” and even though he had no factual proof of what he said, a part of him was nothing but certain this was the only truth he need to know. He nodded and Hunith’s hand held tighter to the cup over her lap. “Does…” she started asking but Merlin interrupted her. “No, Arthur doesn’t know” he said. “And I’m not sure how we could tell him this… or Mithian”

“Of course not” she said; she had her right hand over her mouth and a prominent frown had been drawn on her face. Her mind must be going through the speed of light, going through not only over the endless possibilities but also all the new variables this revelation meant for the plans that had seemed so firmly established just hours before.

“Do you think Mithian would reconsider the adoption process if she knew Morgana and Morgause are going to go through a divorce?”

“I know she wants the baby to grow on a peaceful environment and with a loving family” Hunith said and he knew it had probably been a top priority for Arthur while they had looked for a couple. He probably had never felt what it was to have caring and loving parents around him, what it felt to grew inside a home filled with love and now his own child’s chances of having that seemed to disappear without him knowing. Suddenly he felt very tired, his day had experienced after all more turns and plot twists in a couple of hours that he could ever handle. His eyes felt heavy and his legs weak, his mother didn’t seem like the exception herself; they both seemed in desperate need of a good night of dreamless sleep before thinking one more second about the situation.

They parted goodnight and Merlin made the slow walk back to his room. He changed into his pajamas and sunk his entire body inside his bed, covered with the duvet up until the tip of his nose; if he could just erase all the complicated parts of his life, that would be just great and he could perhaps enjoy a good night of good sleep… His phone vibrated inside his jeans' pocket and Merlin cursed himself for forgetting it inside before tossing his trousers away to the other end of his room, far away from the warm cocoon his bed made. It kept on vibrating three more times before it fell silent and Merlin thought for a moment that whatever it was had got tired and would not disturb him again… of course, as soon as he thought about that his cell phone started ringing obnoxiously. He got up, cursing himself one more time as he made the very long walk to his trousers and took out the cell phone from the front pocket. The screen read “Unknown number” and Merlin sighed violently; if he was lucky enough, it was nothing more than somebody with a wrong number or some bored kid who thought that calling a random number so late at night would be funny.

Merlin took a quick glimpse onto his clock over his night stand and when he saw it wasn’t even seven in the afternoon yet, he realized he might had overreacted with his old-man complaints. “Hello?” he answered and for a moment, when nobody spoke from the other line his “wrong number theory” seemed the most reasonable option. “Merlin?” he heard and he could have recognized that voice even if he had no functional ears with him.

“Arthur, why aren’t you calling me from your cell phone?” he asked, sitting by the edge of his bed. “I wasn’t sure you would answer if you saw it was me” he said and Merlin smiled at what he now was tempted to call “Arthur’s state of innocence”.

“Granted, the last time I called that number somebody else answered it” he said, knowing the memory would rot inside Arthur’s chest.

“I see you are not going to forget about that soon” he said making Merlin laugh –something that surely Arthur would not have taken very fondly from the other line but he wanted a piece of fun of his own for once-. “You are not Superman Arthur, your kisses don’t give amnesia to people” he said and heard a small chuckle from Arthur's side.

“You’re such a nerd” he said.

“Hey, you were the one who got the reference” he said and wondered what kind of reaction he was starting to develop at Arthur’s presence, having felt minutes before as if he could sleep an entire week away and now feeling ready to keep on smiling and laughing and teasing him. Merlin heard his own laugh echoing at the same time as Arthur laughed and felt somehow lighter than he had felt before; whatever Arthur did to him, he felt good about it and ready for more.

“Why are you calling me Arthur?” he asked him and Arthur’s laugh seemed to extinguish itself suddenly.  “I just…” he said but when he didn’t continue Merlin decided he hasn’t got enough of his share of mockery. “You know that verbal skills are like nineteen-nine percent of a phone call, right? You might want to try and speak up” he said laughing and falling back to his bed, reclined over his mattress as a common teenager swooning over his crush as they talk on the phone about nothing. What a cheesy bastard he has made of me, Merlin thought with a smile that didn’t show any sign of actual anger.

“Shut up Merlin” Arthur said and Merlin laughed wholeheartedly. “If I shut up then might as well end this now” he said and he could listen to Arthur’s sigh of exasperation. “Is my ineptitude at social conventions fun to you?”

“Yes” he said with a smile from cheek to cheek, “Yes, very much” but when Arthur didn’t answer for what it felt the longest thirty seconds Merlin has ever experienced, he got worried that perhaps Arthur had called him over something important that had happened between him and his father; perhaps he was even calling him to let him know Morgause had left and both Morgana and Mithian had been left crushed at the sudden news. “Why did you call Arthur?” he asked this time with a more serious tone, the longer Arthur took his time to speak the more concern he felt about it.

“I wanted to share something with you but now I realized is silly” he said and Merlin let go the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding up. “I don’t doubt that” he said and Arthur sighed again. “I shouldn’t have called” he said.

“Oh c’mon, tell me now” he said.

“You’re going to think is stupid” Arthur replied.

“I always think that whatever you say is stupid anyway” he replied laughing again. He could get use to this routine of torturing Arthur with witty remarks, it didn’t seem like a bad way of going through his life. “Share, now” he told him.

“I got back to the house after dropping your ass home” he said and Merlin could see the way Arthur’s lips parted ways when he pronounced the word “ass”. “And Leon asked me if you perhaps had shared something with me or if Hunith had given me a glass of scotch” he said.

“Why would he ask you something like that? And why would he assume we drink scotch in this house?” Merlin asked him, confused yet still content with himself.

“Because-I-came-home-with-the-biggest-smile-on-my-face-you-idiot” Arthur said rapidly and Merlin almost couldn’t make all the words that had reached his ear. Just the thought of Arthur stepping inside the grim Manor with a big stupid smile on his face send shivers down his stomach. “That’s sad” Merlin replied after thinking what it meant for a couple of seconds.

“Why?” he asked.

“If your own cousin thinks you have to be either drunk or high to be happy, than it’s… well, it’s sad” Merlin said and wished he could have this portion of the talk face to face. Arthur didn’t reply, at least not immediately and Merlin heard the sounds of fabric being moved around close to the speaker. “Are you own your bed?” he asked him. “As much as you are on your own” he replied, not with the same tone of lightness they had shared just seconds before; perhaps it would have been better if he didn’t comment at all about Arthur’s news. He should have laughed, he should have told him he had a big smile at that moment that made him seem crazy… he should have told him he had the most beautiful smile Merlin had ever seen. Of all the things Merlin could have told Arthur, why did he had to go the sentimental and emotionally-scarred nerve the man tried so hard to suppress?

Perhaps because those kinds of emotions are not meant to be kept inside and away from reach, a small voice inside Merlin’s head told him. “Do you pity the sad story that is my life?” Arthur asked him. “Nahh” he said trying to ease down the mood “I have enough self pity inside of me”

“I don’t believe you” he said. “It’s true” he replied.

“Why?”

“My life is kind of a mess on a daily basis” he said. Perhaps if he could share a part of his own tiny broken soul, Arthur wouldn’t feel so bad about himself. Merlin wondered if those were the kind of sacrifices one makes when you find someone you truly care about; he certainly had never felt this way before for Will, never felt the need to bring a shred of light over somebody’s heart. He felt the need to let Arthur know he was important to him and if letting him know he was a bigger mess than him, was the way, he would do it in a heartbeat.

“How’s that? I never seen it before” he replied.

“Well, I have a crush on this guy…” he started to say, feeling a sad smile forming over his face. “And he’s kind of an arse, really pretentious and self-centered” he added.

“God… why do you even like him?”

“I wish I knew” Merlin said sighing; he truly didn’t know what it was, what was inside Arthur’s essence that pulled Merlin back at his side every time. “You are really good at these phone-conversations things, did you know that?” Arthur said.

“Maybe my true call is to work as a phone operator in the future” he said and Arthur laughed with innocence in his voice that lift Merlin over the clouds. If he could listen to one sound for the rest of his life, Arthur’s laugh would become the soundtrack of his everyday life. “I should hang up now. Leon would kill me if the bills is too big” but Merlin didn’t want to end this, didn’t want to say goodbye to the Arthur he had met today. He had encountered so many versions of the same man over the last three months and every single one that came to his life seemed better than the last; every single one felt like a new Arthur, Merlin could see himself spending every minute of his time. He longed for a phone conversation that could last an entire night, longed for an evening of steeling glances at each other. In all fairness, Merlin longed for a proper date. Something he had thought he wasn’t allowed to experience while he lived in this town and yet, he was longing for it freely with the phone pressed against his ear.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” but everything felt too complicated. Merlin knew he deserved a proper first date with a proper first boyfriend but he was unsure if Arthur was the one for the job; the man was a confused as he was with his own life and adding the pressure of Merlin’s longings for a cheesy romantic version of a movie felt like a too selfish compulsion for the other to quench. “You should stay at home and be a proper host for your guests” he said with a pain in his chest.

“You know I meant it right?” Arthur asked and he couldn’t see by his tone if he was angry at Merlin’s rejection. “When I told you I wasn’t letting you go this time, I meant every word”. He didn’t say another word not because he didn’t know what else to say but because there were too many things he could have replied; he wasn’t at that moment where he could get away with a denial of his own feelings, there was no point in that anymore because it would get him nowhere. He liked Arthur –he liked everything about him or at least, everything he knew about him-; he liked how his lips tasted and how his fingers moved with his own. Merlin enjoyed the sound of his voice and the smell of his hair, he was head-over-heels with the man and he wasn’t going to denied it anymore… but for all the things he wished he could tell him, a small part of him still lingered at the idea that he couldn’t have him. It didn’t matter how many times he would listen him saying what he felt, a part still sounded so unreal Merlin closed his eyes afraid the bubble would break around him.

“Goodnight Merlin” Arthur said once he realized Merlin wasn’t going to speak anymore, not with an angered tone but with understanding. Or so Merlin thought; you see, that was another problem he had when it came to Arthur: Merlin couldn’t read him, couldn’t see what he wanted unless he putted into words. Arthur’s expressions most of the times where unreadable and it made Merlin feel alone, even when they have been “friends” he could still remember moments where he was unsure whether Arthur was being either serious, funny or deep.

“Night” he said whispering to the other end once the call was over. If he felt like sleeping before, he felt like resting forever now.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The phone rang almost twenty minutes after Merlin had gone back to bed with the memory of Arthur’s weight pressed against his own. He looked at the screen, the same unknown number; Merlin sighed, not sure if he was up for another talk with Arthur. Suddenly he didn’t feel as happy with the thought of teasing him through the phone as he had felt before. But not answering would have being rude and Merlin wasn’t rude, he could be weird and childish and uncoordinated but never rude. “Arthur?” but the voice he heard wasn’t the voice he was expecting and yet, he was still unprepared to face it.

“Merlin?” Mithian said and she sounded scared which of course, made Merlin equally scared. “Mithian?” he asked sitting up on his bed for the second time in less than an hour, “Something happened? Should I call my mum? Are you alright?”

“Can I see you tomorrow? Just the two of us” she asked ignoring his questions. He was perplexed to say the least; even when Mithian had always shown him kindness and nice words, to meet her the next day as casual friends do in real life wasn’t something he knew if he could do. He couldn’t see himself meeting the beautiful pregnant woman for brunch, especially not the two of them alone. “Are you alright?” he asked again because his answer may depend on how she kept on speaking.

“No” she said as if she was on the brink of bursting into tears and having someone crying next to his ear wasn’t on his top five of favorites situations.

“Of course” he said, not knowing what he was getting into… again.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was sitting in a table for two close to the window with the gloomy Sunday morning sky above his head. What was he doing there? Did he even have an attack plan for situations like this? To be a source of comfort and kindness was a strange position for him to be and the feeling of awkwardness certainly increased when he didn’t know the person in distress very well and he didn’t know Mithian at all. So why had she called him the night before and why did she ask him to see him the next day?

She soon appeared through the door and Merlin stood up and offer her a seat because it was the polite thing to do but most importantly, because he had no real idea of what else to do or how to proceed. Merlin hoped Mithian would have the kindness to break the awkward silence herself because he was lost at words.

“Thank you for coming” she said and Merlin let go a sigh. The conversation was alive so he could worry about something less now; all he had to concentrate to was the reason and the implications, a piece of cake. “Thank you for calling” he said because he had to say something, even when all the words he thought were lacking some serious content.

“I shouldn’t have though” she said in a low whisper, with her eyes fixed over the table. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“I could have called to your house phone, I could have called your mother but…” but she didn’t finish and Merlin understood.

“But you called through Leon’s phone, you called… you called after Arthur had called” he said. Merlin looked at Mithian in the face even when she didn’t; the beautiful and kind Mithian with a personal strain of emotions of her own. Emotions he had never taken in consideration when he had thought of him and Arthur. Suddenly Merlin felt not only anxious but also, extremely guilty.

“I had to know” she said and the pain in her voice was perfectly hearable. “I’m sorry” he mumbled even when he wasn’t sure what was he apologizing for; he wasn’t Mithian’s friend, he didn’t own her the sense of honesty you owe to your close friends but still, the connection she held with Arthur couldn’t be just forgotten.

“I’m sorry” he repeated because words eluded him that morning, “Whatever is going through between you and Arthur, I will not get in the way” he said, uncertain if he could ever actually fulfill such noble and selfless act of release to Arthur’s presence.

To his surprise –and confusion- Mithian started to laugh at his very selfish words of resignation to Arthur. What was it so funny; that he thought he actually held a claim over Arthur or that he knew very well he couldn’t just let the man go away from him now? Turns out, it was neither.

“Oh Merlin, I’m sorry” she said drying out the last scraps of her laugh. “I shouldn’t be laughing, it’s just… you are so sweet” she said and Merlin wasn’t sure where to look now.

“I don’t understand” he said.

“I’m not jealous of you and Arthur, Merlin. I was just upset that he didn’t tell me about it”

“I’m not entirely sure I understand any of these” he said.

“I know it sounds like something difficult to understand giving my current situation and my past relationship with Arthur but I only like him as a friend, that is all” she said but Merlin was sure she wasn’t making any sense at all. “I’ve known Arthur for years now and even though we aren’t the best friends forever, I expected he would tell me if he liked someone new” she said and where her face had looked heartbroken before, a beaming smile had replaced her grim looks.

“There is nothing going on between me and Arthur” he said venturing to rescue the little dignity he had left but the only response he got was Mithian’s rised eyebrow of disbelief. Yeah, he thought immediately, not even he believed that as well.

“I’m sorry I cause you more distress than I should” she said but he shrugged it off. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to achieve from this date with Mithian but the turn the conversation had reached certainly surprised him indeed; even thought he couldn’t say it out loud, a part of him had felt slightly concern this had to do something with Morgause and Morgana but Mithian’s glowing smile gave no hints of something bad happening back at the Manor. Whichever were Uther and Morgause’s plans to overthrow Mithian and Arthur’s plan, it hadn’t happened yet and he wasn’t sure if that thought made him feel glad. “I should not keep you here any longer, I’m sure you have many things to do today” she said, getting up from her chair and pulling back her coat. Merlin looked outside: the grey sky seemed enough proof it would start raining any time soon now and he wondered if she was planning on walking back home under the cold rain. “Don’t worry about it” she said as she approached the door with a mesmerizing combination of grace and sweetness, “Leon drove me here”

If Merlin had actually bought a coffee on the café, he would have taken a sip with the sole purpose of spitting it out in a dramatic fashion. Of course Leon was involved in this, would he even care on looking surprised at this? Mithian smiled back at him at his expression probably transformed from shock to mild-upset. Merlin assumed they both meant well but he assumed as well, they were too nosy for their own good. As if a light bulb had gone bright inside his head, he walked to the entrance and exited the place next to her and walked her to the blue car parked not very far from there. “How are Morgana and Morgause doing?” he asked without meeting the face by the driver’s seat.

“Perfectly fine” she said and she meant every word. Merlin couldn’t simply take away the calm from that face so he kept quiet as the car disappeared in front of him.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was walking back home with too many thoughts dancing all over his brain when he had seen the bright green glow over the dirt and beneath a bush. This part of the front garden was the one directly connected under his bedroom’s window and as his hands touched the cold mud and removed the leaves from the small bottle of hand sanitizer, a small cough woke him from the memories. Merlin looked up to see Arthur standing by the door under an umbrella, staring at him. He quickly tock the bottle inside his pocket and walked forward to the house’s entrance.

“What do you have there?” Arthur asked, smiling at the sight of a soaked and probably still confused Merlin. “Nothing” he said trying to find his keys inside his jeans, embarrassed at the idea of sharing the moment when he had giving up on him and Arthur. “What are you doing here?” he asked, trying to divert the attention away from him.

“I called your mother to know how she was and then casually asked how you were. She said you have gone to a coffee house this morning” he said.

“And what? You got jealous?” he asked finally finding his keys from the never ending void his left trouser pocket sometimes become. “Noooo” he said pouting his lips like a small child. “I was curious but Leon was gone so I couldn’t call and ask”

“You do realize you have a phone of your own, don’t you?” but his words made Arthur feel visibly upset about something he didn’t dare to ask even though he should have. “I didn’t see your car” he said trying to break the tension that was building between him and Arthur under the rain next to threshold of his home’s main door. The sight certainly did not fit with Merlin’s previous Sunday mornings.

“I went for a walk” he said. “It´s raining” Merlin added.

“You went for a walk under the rain to”

“Yes, well I don’t own a vintage Ferrari with soft seats and good heating system” he said, knowing he was giving away too much of how much he liked spending time inside Arthur’s car. Arthur obviously noticed this –because he always noticed Merlin’s weird moments- and smiled at him with tenderness. “I just had to tell you something face to face and I went for a walk because I had to build up the necessary courage to actually do it” he said as what it obviously seemed like a prepared speech. But the tone was sweet and Arthur’s eyes seemed dreamy with cold weather so Merlin let it slipped.

“What?” he asked.

“I want to take you on a date” he said with a shy smile. Merlin didn’t reply, probably because once again the ability to form speech had abandoned his brain a second time on the same morning but most likely because Hunith opened the door at that moment and Merlin panicked.

Merlin always tended to go for panic as an appropriate response during moments of extreme tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU  
> And if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU  
> And if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU  
> Call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead  
> Send me an IM, I'll be your friend


	12. All I want is you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were a wink, I'd be a nod  
> If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.  
> If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug  
> And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug
> 
> All I want is you, will you be my bride  
> Take me by the hand and stand by my side  
> All I want is you, will you stay with me?  
> Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

Merlin wasn’t sure if he could ever get used to the idea Arthur held o how dates should be because apparently, inviting someone over a date for Arthur meant disappearing, quickly leaving the other party awkwardly standing next to his mother, and vanishing by the next day at school. This certainly wasn’t going as Merlin had pictured it, not that he had wasted too much of his time day-dreaming about what a date with Arthur would look, feel and probably smell like.

Merlin had walked around the school’s halls all morning before stepping to his first class looking for Arthur as if he was a lost pet looking for his master, an analogy he wasn’t very proud of representing. Once he realized the man was nowhere to be found, he gave up and went to class; the thought of arriving late at Mr. Edwin’s class made any concern about Arthur disappeared without hesitation. To his face tendency to make a very surprised expression, Arthur was already sitting by Merlin’s usual table when he got inside quickly followed by his teacher’s steps. He tried his best to look as if he was in control of the situation while he walked straight to his seat trying to ignore Gwaine’s perplexed look at the whole scenario. If Merlin was already confused, he could only imagine what the man was thinking about him and his seat partner at that moment.

Merlin sat by Arthur’s right side and looked straight to the board, ignoring the heat the other man’s body was producing next to his arm. He also did his best at trying to ignore the fact that Arthur’s hand was only one small movement away from his own but as his eyes darted away from the pale board to Arthur’s fingers, he realized he probably wasn’t being very successful at it.

What was even weirder about the whole moment was the fact that Arthur didn’t seem to feel any form of inclination at talking to Merlin. In fact, if an outsider look would have described the situation –something most likely happening around his classmates as Merlin thought such sentence-, the general perception would have been that Arthur was ignoring him. Not only he didn't speak but he didn’t look back at him either, didn’t even move when he had seated by his side and didn’t even show him the courtesy of moving around his books from the table to make some room for Merlin’s.

He knew Arthur seemed to have a natural way to be an arse from time to time but he never expected for the act to reappear after the events of the weekend. If he had felt silly before for sharing something with Arthur Pendragon, such feeling seemed to be multiplied by the hundreds as the minutes progressed and the class went on as if nothing unusual was happening when in fact everything Merlin felt seemed unusual and out of the ordinary.

The class was dismissed and it was turned into a group work about the respiratory system when Merlin finally summed up the courage to speak to Arthur. He was about to tell him all the truth he had been accumulating inside his head while he had been quiet during Mr. Edwin's explanation on the lungs worked; he was about to let the man hear a piece of his mind when suddenly, the blonde stood up and walked away to Mr. Edwin’s desk.

Seriously? He asked himself, he thought they were slightly over the “running-away-from-the-other-faze” but apparently it had been only for Merlin.

What had he said before, what had Arthur told him twice in the course of two days? Oh, that’s right: “I’m not letting you go”. So much for that, Merlin though as he started to answer the questions over his notebook.

Arthur walked back to their table and Merlin wasn’t sure if all the things he had thought of saying to him would actually make the bold move from his mind to his lips at that moment. Turns out, he didn’t even have to worry about it for Arthur only returned to pick up his books and leave through the door. Merlin felt some cold sweat starting to emerge over his back as many pairs of eyes he didn’t care to count made the natural trace from Arthur’s sudden exit to his station in the back corner of the room. If he had been stronger he wouldn’t had looked up to meet the eyes but he was weak and persuadable so he did it and met Will’s. There had been a time before when Merlin could have known what Will thought with his eyes closed but he realized with a sad heart that those times had passed already as the expression his best friend –for Merlin refused to give up his title yet- was impenetrable for him. If it was mockery, pity or a combination of both he couldn’t say and before he could keep on questioning the situation, Will looked away and before Merlin realized, the class was already over and he was making his way back to his locker.

He had so many things to think about so he obviously couldn’t concentrate on a single one.

His locker was waiting patiently for him over the south hall. Merlin didn’t wish to ponder too much about how the only constant subject in his life was a piece of furniture he didn’t even own because it was a thought too sad to make but also because there was a note sticking from the inside he was certain he didn’t leave earlier in the morning. Merlin took it outside and opened the not-so-secret-note. Of course: Arthur’s handwriting.

“ _Sorry about the silence before but I didn’t trust myself enough to speak to you and not give away the surprise. See you in the parking lot by lunch and don’t you dare to bring homework with you. That’s a certain mood killer._

_Arthur. X X”_

Of course if there had to be one person Merlin knew who would sign letters with exes for kisses, it had to be Arthur. The man was cheesy beyond repair but Merlin knew perfectly well he wouldn’t change a thing about him in the workshop if they ever ask him to. 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°                                                                                                                        

Lunch hour was set and Merlin walked to the parking lot with an empty backpack and an empty stomach as well. He walked straight to Arthur’s car and didn’t even bother on trying to make the driver to roll down his window, and simply walked without hesitation to the other side. Merlin got inside, the change from cold wind to warm heat felt nice and the sight of an awkwardly excited Arthur felt even nicer.

“I see you got the note” Arthur said with a beaming smile.

“Yes, well, shockingly I could find it even though it was so carefully hidden” he said heating his bare hands over the heating. “I still don’t get why you had to ignore me during the morning”

“I told you. If I had spoken to you, I may have ruined the surprise” Arthur said rubbing his hands together. “I’m sorry to ruin this for you Arthur… but I already knew you had a car” he said for which Arthur didn’t laugh which of course made Merlin laughed even more about it.

“Just shut up and be prepared for the best date of your life” Arthur told him, making Merlin take a quick look around the landscape surrounding the parked car. He may have never gone to a proper date before but he was certain a parking lot, old trees and the proximity of their school didn’t necessarily qualify as “best-date-of-your-life" material. “We are at school, Arthur” he said.

“Cars move, Merlin” Arthur replied imitating his tone and turning on the engine of the vehicle. What was Arthur’s plan: make a quick turn around the parking lot and pretend they were sightseeing? “We can’t just leave” he said as Arthur clearly ignored his words and took the car away from his usual parking spot, “Arthur, we have classes later” he said.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back soon enough” he said giving Merlin one of his strongest smiles: the smile that screamed “You-can-trust-me” and so Merlin did even when it felt terribly wrong and unlike him. He had never skipped school before, was Arthur really that much of a cliché to become a bad influence for his good habits? “Are you trying to turn me into the dark side?” he asked.

“I think that if someone has turned someone here, it’s you” he replied.

Merlin already knew he was bound to remember this first date while his brain functioned. “Where are we going?” he asked.

“Don’t you have a sense of anticipation?” Arthur replied. “You know, I think this legally qualifies as an abduction”

“What are you saying?” Arthur asked as he made a right turn to a street Merlin didn’t know, “I’m going to have my wicked way with you and then toss the body on a ditch so nobody could find you?”

“I was actually thinking about dungeons but it’s nice to know you have a more disturbed mind than me” he said. Merlin looked outside through his window; he certainly did not recognize the houses that appeared besides him. This was most likely a part of Ealdor he had never gotten the enough money to visit without feeling lesser.

Arthur parked the car outside a house Merlin had never seen before. It was the perfect picture of forgotten elegance, white walls filled with growing ivy and grass roaming wild around the entrance. Perhaps Arthur had not been lying when he talked about ditching Merlin’s body away to never be found again. “Where are we?” he asked and looked at Arthur who was looking back at him with anticipation and yet, his eyes seemed sadder than they had been seconds before. Merlin considered his possibilities for a moment and after realizing he was on a date and he was allowed to act a certain way following a certain protocol, he kissed Arthur in hopes he'll make the sad expression on his eyes to go away. He wasn’t used to warm contact and the strong scent Arthur seemed to exude around the area of his neck -at least not yet- but he had no problem with the thought of getting acquainted with it in the future. Once the kiss was over, Arthur’s eyes seemed to have rediscovered the benefits of joy as he was smiling back at him. “What was that for?” he asked.

“People kiss on dates and this is one” he said. He held Arthur’s hand with his own because if he was going to do it, he was going to do the full experience and his heart only skipped to his throat for a second when Arthur held his hand tighter and kissed him back quickly and sweetly. “Let’s go then” he said.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The house seemed forgotten but the inside didn’t look as destroyed as Merlin had suspected it would look. The walls had obviously not been cleaned in years but the windows were slightly open on conventional spots and the air was as clear as it could be. It had a small lobby that directed to a humble seating room and a stair to the only floor above it; it wasn’t tremendously big but it was the sort of home you can easily qualify as homey and charming. Who ever had lived here before certainly had lived a nice life.

Arthur still held his hand, conducting him through the rooms and leading the way to the second floor. The distinctive marks of pictures that had been hanged for a long time by the staircase were enough proof for Merlin that this had been some family’s home before. Suddenly he felt like an intruder into somebody’s past, not so eager now to start his date surrounded by somebody else’s memories. “What is this place?” he asked as they made it to the second floor. Three doors stood in front of them closed but Arthur seemed with no intention of moving forward from that point. “Have you ever wondered why does my father live here, such a small town with nobody who could share his life style?” Arthur asked him while he searched through the trio of doors.

“To be honest, I don’t think about your father that often” he said but he was lying. He had wondered why somebody with Uther Pendragon’s status would care enough to stay here and enrolling his son into a public school when it was obvious he would have no problem living his same life in a big and hectic city like Camelot.

“My mother was born here” Arthur said, looking back at Merlin standing in front of him. “She was a very beautiful woman, kind and humble. Everybody loved here in Ealdor. I don’t know very much about her, my father doesn’t like to talk too much; nobody mentions her back at our house. When she died, my father couldn’t leave this city because it was the only thing he had left about her… or so he told me”. So that’s what it was, Uther staying here had been a decision out of love even when it diminished the value of his own son by acknowledging it. “He has you” Merlin said.

“I’m sure he would prefer to have my mother back than me” he said.

There were times when Merlin could really despised Uther’s cold heart and being those times “always” he wished the man could be right there and do something about what he had done to his son. Arthur was the type of person that deserved love and care, not the cold heart his father offered him. There would have been a time before where Merlin would have tried to defend Arthur’s father motives but he knew too much now to actually do such thing. “Arthur…” he said holding the man’s face with a gentle grip, “Don’t you ever say that again” he said with a death serious tone on his voice. And he meant every word; even if he had to fight the man himself, he would never allow him to make his son feel useless ever again.

Arthur kissed him because when you shared a moment with someone and that someone is holding your face and letting you know you are important that’s what you do. But now there was something that had been missing from their previous kiss back in the car; not there was a hint of desperation from both sides, both of them so eager to show the other how they felt even when they didn’t know it with certainty. Merlin was still holding Arthur’s face and now Arthur’s hand were holding to Merlin’s back with the momentum of a man in desperate need of touch. Arthur’s hand started to go all round Merlin’s backside, grabbing from his shoulders to the far down edge of Merlin’s back, pulling him closer to his chest. Merlin let his hands travel from Arthur’s cheek to his neck and shoulders pulling the blonde’s head closer to him as if the idea of having an empty space between them was unbearable.

“Merlin?” Arthur said, still his lips on top of Merlin’s. “Yes?” he asked feeling Arthur’s hectic breathing over him synchronized with his own. “Thank you” he said. Merlin took one small step back to meet the other’s eyes, not breaking their hug completely. “What for?” he asked.

“Not giving up on me” Arthur said sweetly.

Merlin kissed him back, quickly and with a new found sense of restrain. “What could I do about it? You kept showing up at my house every day”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Merlin was surprised. He didn’t know how much food one small bag could actually carry but when what it seemed to be the fifth bowl of food Arthur had packed appeared, he was fully convinced the answer was “a lot of food”. They were sitting on the floor over a soft light blue blanket somebody had laid inside the smallest room of the home before they got there. The walls were empty and the only window showed the grey sky but for Merlin, being in that moment next to Arthur made him feel as if he was resting in the most beautiful meadow with a bright sun over their heads.

“You do realize it’s just the two of us, right?” he asked once Arthur took out a bottle of soda and pineapple juice with two complementary glasses, placing them next to the sixth bowls of food and their bodies on top of the blanket. “People eat in picnics Merlin, is not too crazy to bring food” he replied, trying to find the best angle to arrange all of the elements.

“But not when there are just two people… and when it’s not an actual picnic” he said and Arthur looked at him with fake shock, placing his hand over his chest. “I’m insulted” he said, “All this trouble I got into and you don’t even believe this is a proper picnic”

“What sort of trouble?” he said amused.

“Well, for once the bag was very heavy” Arthur replied. Merlin laughed and stretched his legs through the empty space left between him and Arthur’s limbs, the tip of his shoe grazing shyly at Arthur’s direction. “You do seem very tired” he said and Arthur looked at him with a pouty mouth that made him looked even more adorable. “And where do you think all this food came from anyway?” he asked but Merlin had to laugh very loudly at this one, pulling his head back freely.

“You are telling me you cooked?” he said once he was finished laughing; he turned his head to look at Arthur and the man did not look amused. When Arthur took more than ten seconds answering, Merlin laughed again, this time letting his shoes touch the other’s feet and his hand grabbing his stomach. “I’ve seen you around dinner time, Arthur. The time you had to serve the soup at my house was the closest you have ever been to a proper kitchen” he said.

“I planned the menu” Arthur replied, opening the first bowl revealing three slices of peach's pie. Merlin finally calmed himself down a little bit more and saw as the blonde man started to open the rest of the bowls, in hope of what Merlin assumed would be a dramatic moment when Merlin would be force to apologize for mocking his culinary skills when in fact the so called “menu” where different variations of desserts and sandwiches. Still, he valued the effort and watched fondly as Arthur started to serve him the first half of a grilled cheese sandwich. “Eat” he said and Merlin complied. It’s not like he would admit it out loud but he did taste the best cheese he had ever eaten in his entire life and smiled at the fact that even when Arthur tried to be as simple and normal as possible, he still managed to find a way to be more luxurious than him. It didn’t bother him –at least not anymore- because he understood that a life with fancy and expensive food was the only life Arthur had ever known.

“I take from your silence the food was good” Arthur said with his face stuffed with a slice of ice-cream sandwich –something Merlin definitely had to try on his own immediately- and a pleased smile. “Send my complements to the chef” Merlin said finishing his own slice of peach's pie, “And I mean, literally the chef not you”

“Just keep eating” Arthur said pushing forward a portion of his ice-cream sandwich that Merlin accepted gladly. “Why are you always giving me food? It’s slightly strange” he said smiling back at him.

“I’m not always giving you food” Arthur said drinking from his glass. Merlin tasted the sweet combination of banana and dark chocolate when he looked back at Arthur, “You gave me an apple once” he said remembering their past friendship.

“That was because you never ate proper fruits and it’s not a healthy habit” he said, still with his eyes locked on Merlin’s.

“You bought me lunch the day I got into a fight with Will” Merlin added after he swallowed the last bite of his sandwich.

“That was because you didn’t eat…” Arthur said, “And it wasn’t a fight, more like a weird face-off” he said and started to laugh.

Merlin didn’t know what it was but there was something written all over Arthur’s laugh that felt so infectious, felt so happy-go-lucky making him forget how to behave and how to tip-toe around the things that were delicate. Things like long forgotten memories that only resurfaced when the person felt like suffering a couple of seconds. This was one of those times.

“You gave me your packet of chocolate cookies when we were kids” he said still laughing. If Merlin hadn’t stopped giggling to drink from his own glass, he may have not noticed how silent the room suddenly turned. He looked at Arthur who was staring back at him, not smiling anymore and certainly not laughing. “You remember that?” he asked him with disbelief.

“Of course I do” he said, not sure where the certainty would come from. In all honesty, there was no reason for Merlin to remember his first encounter with Arthur when they had been kids so fondly and so vividly and he had been sure for so long the other didn’t remember at all. But he did and the sight of the golden angel that had shown him kindness when everybody else had laughed still lingered in his mind and heart even when the same angelical presence had turned into a bully that couldn’t be stopped. “I didn’t think you do” Merlin said.

“Honestly, I didn’t remember they had been chocolate cookies… but your face all red from the impact of the ball and how quickly you fled, that picture couldn’t be so easily forgotten” he said.

Merlin felt his cheeks hot and looked back at his hands, soiled and sticky from the ice cream that had melted over his fingers. Somehow that memory always felt so sacred for him in a way he never spoke about it, he had not even told Will when they were younger and the idea of sharing it so closely to Arthur made his stomach feel all fussy inside. When he finally looked up Arthur was staring at him with a sweet smile that made the rest of his stomach melt all over his insides and as if the man had been waiting for a signal from his side, the second Merlin smiled at him was the second Arthur roused from his place and masterfully dodging the scattered bowls between them, reached for Merlin’s lips and kissed him quickly. Merlin certainly kissed him back, realizing that for the first time in his life he was experiencing what everybody else called the “relationship experience”: kissing, going on dates and sharing deep thoughts, he could easily get used to do this.

“Thank you” he told Arthur once the other was back on his place. “What for? Kissing you?” he said with a cheeky smile.

“For trusting me enough to bring me here” he said as he started to drift his eyes around the empty walls and spaces around them. Arthur’s smile disappeared from his face but not in a sad tone; his features transformed into a sweeter and mellower expression that made him look like a small child in desperate need of a hug. “This is your mother’s home, isn't it?”

Arthur tugged his legs close to his chest and started to look around the walls as well. “When I was eight, I ran away from my home and came here. I didn’t know why but something in the place’s garden told me I was welcomed. Once my father found me, he told me to never return here because this was my mother’s sanctuary and I wasn’t meant to disturb it so naturally, I started to come every month when I was old enough to walk by myself” he said, looking back at Merlin. He felt the need to do as Arthur had done and dodge the food beside him but he knew too well he would probably fail and make a mess of himself. So he did the next best thing and got up, walked to Arthur’s side and offered him his hand which the other accepted with a golden smile. Once they were both standing there, Merlin kissed him one time on his left cheek and a second time on his right one. He didn’t know why he felt like doing so, a gesture his mother used to make when he had been younger and was safely tucked inside his bed, ready for a good night of nightmare-less sleep.

The result made Merlin smile even more idiotically that he had done before, as the sight of a blushed Arthur in front of him warmed his heart.

“Do you have your cell phone here?” he asked without moving his body from his side.

“Why? Who are you calling?” Merlin smiled while he gave him his cell phone.

“Nobody” Arthur said while he started to search something over the screen with his fingers, “It’s called setting the mood right” he said with a self-pleased smile as he pressed something on the screen.

The music appeared quietly as if the notes were shy and afraid of disturbing the peace around them. Merlin recognized the song immediately, Barry Louis Polisar’s “All I want is you” playing above their heads as the music roused from the speaker and into the ambient. “Not your typical elevator music” Merlin said, holding Arthur’s hands and moving his feet along the rhythm.

Arthur took a step back and stretched his arms to Merlin’s. “Dance” he said smiling but Merlin shook his head violently back and forward. There were many things he didn’t do: played contact sports, long divisions without a calculator, eat the crust of his pizza first but dancing was definitely on the top position. Merlin’s limbs had always got that awful habit of being all over the place when they moved at the beat of any song -it didn’t even matter which it was, from Mozart to any anonymous electro tune the effect was the same- and he refused at letting Arthur see his lack of coordination.

When the other saw how he had no intention of dancing, Arthur paused the song and pulled Merlin closer to his chest by pulling him with his hand. “Dance with me” he said on a whisper next to his ear that sent shivers down his spine. “Are you going to make me beg?” he said with an apologetic smile. There were only a calculated amount of seconds Merlin could resist to such smile and once the figure had been reached, he smiled and let go of his hand. Arthur stood there smiling while savoring the sweet taste of victory and pressed “play” one more time. The song started to play from the beginning and Arthur let Merlin’s cell phone on the floor right by their feet.

“Just try to not to kick it” he said.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

In the end, a part of Merlin was very glad he had been coerced into an impromptu dance session with Arthur in an abandoned house for their first date because it let to the discovery of two very important things. First of all, “All I want is you” was a surprisingly perfect song for those who had no idea what it was to dance and secondly, Arthur was a worse dancer than Merlin himself. It wasn’t as if Merlin had Arthur on the top of a pedestal, he had discovered long time ago the man had many flaws but he assumed foolishly that he would succeed on the matters that involved making public appearances.

At first Merlin couldn’t move, too busy at laughing at Arthur as he moved around the room without coordination or grace, the bubble of perfection he represented shattered in front of his eyes. But then he realized that if Arthur had the courage of moving around like that in front of him –because the man had to know how bad he was- then he was brave enough to do it as well. So Merlin danced, or did his best at it.

Do you know those moments in movies when two characters do something endearing and adorable and the camera shows everything in slow motion? This was one of those times except they both look terrible at it but the smiles on their faces covered the fact that their dancing was pathetic. Fortunately for them, nobody was there to record and slow-mo the action.

Arthur was holding him under a strong embrace by the time the song has stopped playing for a third time over and Merlin didn’t feel like letting himself go any time soon. If Uther thought this house was the sanctuary for what the love of his life represented, than being inside Arthur’s arms would be Merlin’s haven. It felt warm and safe and smelled wonderful, why couldn’t they stay there forever? Right, Merlin remembered, because they had school and a real life to live outside.

“We should leave now” he said certain of stepping inside their moment. Arthur took his chin with his hand pulling his face up to his own and kissed him quickly before smiling and complying with him without another word about it. Arthur packed all the empty bowls and drank the last drops inside the juice bottle, before pulling the blanket from the ground and they made the walk back to the car, hand in hand.

“What are you thinking about?” Arthur asked him as they made the way back to the parking spot on their school.

“I thought you probably had gone to many balls growing up” Merlin said staring through his window with the notes from the song still stuck inside his head.

“I’ve seen my fair share of balls, why do you ask?” he said with his eyes fixed on the empty street.

“I was just wondering if you had gone to balls, then how come you were such a shitty dancer” he said smiling at Arthur’s expression of shock. “You think I’m a bad dancer?”

“Is not just me Arthur, I’m pretty sure is the whole universe” Merlin said with an understanding smile as if he was a parent trying to explain his child his hamster had died.

“I’m not a shitty dancer Merlin” Arthur said turning to the right and entering the Ferrari back into the parking lot. “I was just pretending so you wouldn’t feel bad about yourself” he said turning at his side with a small grin on his face. The car was already parked but neither felt any compulsion of stepping outside and return to their normal world with classes and classmates whispering about their absence.

“Aren’t you a charitable soul?” he said and Arthur held his hand and pulled Merlin closer to his side, kissing him gently with his lips exploring the depths of Merlin’s. It was something he could seem himself doing every day with a big smile on his face later. “You really didn’t know you were that bad?” he asked him once the kiss was over.

“Maybe I trust you enough to show you how bad I’m at things I should be good at” Arthur told him and his words made Merlin’s heart skipped with happiness inside his chest. He already had a good hint of how much he cared for Arthur and how much the other man cared for him but he wasn’t brave enough yet to put everything into words beyond “liking”. Now there he was, inside his car one more time holding Arthur’s trust and confidentiality inside his hands. It seemed only obvious for Merlin to pay him back in similar fashion, to let the man know somehow he trusted him as well and even more. There had to be a way for Merlin to show Arthur they could rely in each other from now on but what could that be?

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He arrived just in time for the third period as the lunch hour was long over and he made the walk to his locker looking for his book, leaving Arthur inside his car because the man apparently didn’t believe in the existence of that part of the school’s premises and kept all of his items inside of it. They promised to see each other later that day, Arthur making Merlin swear he would wait for him outside the main entrance so he could drive him back home, and Merlin felt like every step he took was doing it over a soft cloud. Once he reached his locker he almost stopped on his spot and turned around to the other direction. Will was there and having already noticed him arrive, he didn’t have many options on how to deal with the situation. He kept on walking, uncertain of his friend’s intentions and uncertain on his own reaction if he was standing there looking to pick up a fight even when such thing was completely outside Will’s character traits.

Merlin opened his locker and focused his eyes very deeply in the very interesting content his books and old papers meant when Will finally opened up his mouth making him close the lid. “Where have you been?” he said and Merlin couldn’t find a hint of him holding bad intentions; in fact, his concern almost sounded genuine. “I had to leave for a couple of hours” he said.

“With Arthur Pendragon?” he asked crossing his arms in front of his chest as soon as he said his name.

“What does it matter to you?” Merlin asked, picking up his backpack and making the walk to his next class. Will tagged alone and started to walk alone side him as the old days except these weren’t the old days and they both knew that perfectly well. “You disappeared for almost half the day after you sat next to Arthur’s side in the morning, people started to talk” he said.

“And what they were saying? I know you are a big fan of gossiping” Merlin said turning right on the hall.

“Some people started to say that Pendragon had had you bitten up behind a trash bin in the morning for daring of sharing the same table as he did” Will said as he looked closely at Merlin’s face as if he was searching for any sign of violence. If he haven't been so angry at him, he would have found his friend’s concern endearing but now it wasn’t the time to think about it; he had enjoyed a perfectly nice day and he wasn’t going to let Will burst his bubble of happy thoughts.

“You can see now I’m not death. End of story” he said and turned his back around him to step inside his next class. The feeling wasn’t exactly the same as it had been minutes before but the sound of folksy music on his ears and Arthur’s lips on his still lingered shyly around him.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He would never admit it out loud but having Arthur picking him up with his car made him feel special. “Can I ask you something?” Arthur asked breaking the comfortable silence that had been formed around the two as the car approached his house. Merlin didn’t answer and simply stared back at him with expectations caught inside his eyes. “How did you know you were gay?”

It’s not as if he haven’t been expecting this question before, he had assumed eventually the topic would appeared between them but it didn’t mean he would have an answer ready or the composure necessary to deal with this with Arthur. “I just knew, I guess” he said and he wasn’t lying; unfortunately for Arthur’s sake and curiosity, he never dealt with a big epiphany regarding his sexuality and simple had dealt with the realization he liked boys better than girls as if it had been the most natural thing for him to know. He had always noticed when a girl was pretty –especially when he had been walking next to Will around the streets- but the sight of a pretty girl didn’t compare to the sight of a good looking boy and Merlin just thought, “Girls weren’t for him” and went on with his life. He only wished saying such things out loud in a small town like Ealdor would be easier.

“So you didn’t wake up one morning and thought to yourself, “I fancy some blokes today”?” Arthur asked him with disappointment in his voice.

“I don’t think that ever had happened to somebody” Merlin said with a gentle smile. They were quite close to his home but he didn’t want to leave Arthur again even when he knew he would probably see the man the next day again. “Is not like you get a letter one day through the post that says: Congrats on the gay! With pink letters and unicorns attached” he added and Arthur looked at him because Merlin wasn’t making much sense once again.

Arthur’s car arrived outside Merlin’s home and Arthur turned off the engine, letting his hands rest on the steering wheel for a moment as if he was waiting for something or thinking very deeply about something else as well. Was Merlin supposed to do something now like kissing Arthur goodnight or comfort him on his confused head?

He remembered what he had thought the moment he had parked his car early on the day, what he had thought about letting him know he was to be trusted as well as Arthur trusted him. If there were a time to do so, it was now.

“Arthur” he said drawing a big hulk of breath because he was nervous and his legs were shaking and he didn’t know what Arthur would do to him once he heard what Merlin had to tell him. It wasn’t the ideal topic but it was something that had been eating him alive through the past week and Arthur deserved to know it, trust or no trust between them. “Uther doesn’t want to go alone with the adoption and neither does Morgause” he said and closed his eyes, scared at the other’s reaction.

He didn’t know what he had been expecting to happen but any form of reaction would have been better than Arthur’s stoic silence. At least if the man had screamed Merlin could have some proof he have been heard before; he wasn’t going to repeat his words, not letting him listen to the same words of betrayal twice from his lips but he needed to know that Arthur was still with him inside the car. He noticed his knuckles going white as he held the steering wheel tighter, not meeting his eyes and not moving his body. “Arthur?” he boldly asked again. He ventured into unknown territory and laid his hand on top of Arthur’s arm. It was only with that small gesture that Arthur finally snapped at him and looked at him, cheeks red and jaw clenched.

“You should leave now” he told him and Merlin considered sprinting for his life but he couldn’t just leave. “We should talk about this” he said, removing his hand from his arm yet not moving the rest of his body from the seat.

“I said leave now Merlin” he spoke slowly, with his teeth clinging at each other inside his closed mouth.

“I know you are mad at your father but you can’t leave like this, you need to calm down” he said with the reassuring tone his mother used when she was dealing with troubled people at work. “What?” Arthur asked, getting even more upset than before and Merlin wondered what had been so terrible from his side that could make the man grow angrier at that moment. “You think I’m mad at my father now?”

What? Merlin thought as he looked at Arthur’s expression of pure hatred. Was Arthur really mad at him now? He had only giving him the courtesy of honesty and this is how he chose to repay him? “Arthur, I’m just letting you know the truth because… well because we trust at each other, right?” he said and laid one more time his hand over Arthur’s but as soon he as touched him, Arthur pushed it aside and far away from his personal space.

This wasn’t the Arthur that had dance with him, not even the Arthur that had picked him up from school; this Arthur looked terribly similar to the same Arthur that used to make Merlin’s nose bleed after a good couple of minutes facing his fists. This was the Arthur that sought to quaint a thirst for blood and Merlin would have done best to leave at that moment… but Merlin didn’t know better and he couldn’t leave everything like this.

“Why are you mad at me?” He asked and he could see the conflict inside Arthur’s blue eyes.

“You know my father can’t be the best father in the world, he has his flaws quite often but at least…” and in that pause, Arthur seemed to be slight more relaxed yet still quite angry. “At least he’s doing his best to support this, why can’t you see it?”

“Because it’s a lie, Arthur!” he said. “He is not being supportive for you, he is doing for himself”. Arthur didn’t reply at him and instead, get out of the car and walked to Merlin’s door, opening it with one clean stroke and taking Merlin outside the vehicle while grabbing his arm in a movement that made Merlin flinched at the sudden sting of pain he felt. “You are not doing this!” he told him as they now stood in front of each other in the street. Merlin’s shoulder still felt soared from the contact but he had to find a way to let himself explained to Arthur, to let him know what was truly happening with his father even when it bring him pain to do so. “Arthur, please listen to me!” he practically begged.

Arthur didn’t reply at him again, this time letting his hand speak for him hitting Merlin in the nose as the good old days.

Merlin wasn’t prepared to face the impact and he fell to the ground, head all fussy and nose most likely bleeding. He noticed the lights going on from the inside of his house at the same time Arthur walked away from him and got inside the car. He had giving him one spare look before turning away and Merlin didn’t felt like crying but instead, felt like screaming at him, screaming and throwing punches at the air and at Arthur’s face. The engine was already on when his mother appeared at the threshold and the car had already vanished when his mother was by his side.

Arthur had been wrong after all, Merlin didn’t have to bring his books to kill the mood over their date; he just had to bring the gift of honesty and harsh reality inside their lovely cloud of love and infectious dancing routines. 


	13. I like giants

Merlin is no real fool. He knew very well that sometimes in the curse of his life, he had ruined some really good things; he knew that sometimes he got the tendency to fucked things up badly. Like the one time he had tried to played tennis with Will and had hit the ball so badly it had flew all across Will’s head and into Miss Annis’s window, shattering it completely. Or like the other time he and Will had tried to make their own version of what a cake was meant to be because they were both craving for something sweet and somehow had set the kitchen on fire in a corner and had sugar scattered all over the floor until his mother came home and found them panicking throwing water at the walls and falling to the ground because the sugar got stuck to the soils of their shoes. It would have been very difficult for Merlin to forget these events so he didn’t; he understood how sometimes things got ruined and how sometimes it was his fault… but he knew with all of his heart and mind that what had happened between him and Arthur had not been his to blame.

This didn’t mean he was at peace with the situation but at least, it gave him a sense of what to do next and that was helping Arthur understand what was happening around him.

If only things were as easy as it sound, he thought.

“How’s your nose love?” Hunith asked the morning after the fall out. Luckily she hadn’t spoken about it the night before, giving his son the necessary time to find the words and explain the situation by himself. He felt his face aching and the tape around the base of his nose itched in all the wrong places but beyond that, he couldn’t complain too much about it.

“As good as it can be” he replied sitting by the table and drinking his cup of tea, dodging the spoon inside of it so it would not touch his soared face. Hunith was looking at him, eyes filled with expectation and anticipation and Merlin knew if he had a shot at making Arthur come to his senses, he ought to have some help from his mother or at least a form of moral support. “I told Arthur” he said and his mother’s eyebrow roused all the way to her hairline at this; she looked as surprised as Merlin had presumed she would be but the lack of words made him feel uncomfortable.

“I don’t understand why he hit you if you told him what I assume you told him” she said after holding a calm silence for a couple of seconds. “Unless I’m meddling inside another type of conversation?” she asked and Merlin stared at his mother in disbelief, eyes wide opened.

“I told him about Uther… I don’t know what other type of conversation you are thinking about” he said not buying his shock for a single second. It’s not as if he felt embarrassed for what had happened with Arthur, it was just as simple as the fact that he wasn’t prepared to talk about something that didn’t have a proper label or at least, a foreseeable future. “But I told him about Uther and Morgause”

“Why did he get upset?” she asked him and Merlin shrugged his shoulders because even when he knew the reason, it didn’t mean it made too much sense for him. “He doesn’t want to accept his father’s true intentions” he said.

“I can’t blame the poor boy” she said taking another sip from her cup, “It must be hard to hear about a betrayal from the ones you are meant to trust the most”.

His mother’s words felt like lead over his chest, making him difficult to breathe for a couple of seconds. Merlin had thought so happily the day before how Arthur had trusted him so badly and Merlin, eager to pay him back, had said something in hopes of making himself more cared by him not paying attention to any other real consequences. He didn’t count on the fact that Arthur would truly care for his father that way. He should have known better.

“Still no excuse to hit my boy in the face” Hunith added biting a piece of her toast. Merlin feared of what his mother could be planning on doing next about this, feeling a cold drop of sweat slipping next to his neck; he wasn’t very keen on the idea of letting his mother fight his own battles, especially when such battles held some variables that she might not be aware of.

If this would have happened two months ago, Merlin would have let it pass –or so he thought- but now, he was “emotionally invested” with the other man and it wasn’t so simple. Even when his nose ached every time he take a sip from his cup or a bite from his breakfast, he couldn’t let this pass and he certainly couldn’t let his mother get involved when she didn’t know everything. Did this mean he was ready to make a statement about him and Arthur? Not entirely and by entirely he meant, not at all but he knew his mother would understand when he would find the words and explained why this was _his_ personal quest.

“Absolutely not” she said, getting up from the table and walking to the kitchen.

“Mom, please…” he said walking to the kitchen as well, “I need to talk to Arthur by myself” but she turned around and gave him her “I-know-you-are-trying-to-reassert-your-authority-as-a-growing-adult-but-I-am-still-your-mother” look.

“I’m calling Mithian” she said, cleaning her hands from the crumbs and making her way to the living room, picking up the phone and looking defiantly at Merlin.

“Is that wise?” he asked.

“Is her child Merlin, don’t you think she deserves to know that the couple she had chosen to raise her baby are or not appropriate?” she said. Merlin knew his mother was making perfect sense in all of this but a part of him didn’t feel so eager at breaking Mithian’s shinning and peaceful bubble of peace.

“She’s in a delicate state; don’t you think it would be bad if she received bad news through the phone?” Merlin said not realizing in what new mess he was getting into.

“You’re right” Hunith said putting down the phone and walking to the staircase, all the way up to her room. “Don’t bother on bringing your books Merlin, we are going to visit her” she said from the inside of her room, surely changing her nightgown into more suitable attire.

As Merlin found himself walking along side his mother all the way to Pendragon Manor, he could envisioned at least thirteen different ways this could have turned out differently. Unfortunately his brain wasn’t processing back-up plans at the moment and he found himself at the mercy of his mother’s strength.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The car was nowhere to be seen when they reached the entrance to the gate and Merlin was unsure if that was a good or bad thing. Arthur was probably off to school, a place Merlin should be in but he supposed it wasn’t the perfect time to start pondering about his sudden lack of academic responsibilities. Once the gate was opened, they walked to the door and Leon materialized in front of them, with a fond smile that quickly vanished at the sight of Hunith’s serious frown.

“God, what happened?” he asked, letting them both inside. Merlin wondered for a quick second if perhaps they were to meet Uther inside but he assumed the man was off to work and if not, he probably own an entire state inside his own state so he wouldn’t be disturb by the rest. “Arthur came back from school yesterday, he seemed angry at something, smashing his door and all of that but he wouldn’t say”

Merlin and Hunith shared a worried look at each other before she could ask the young man for Mithian and a place where they could talk privately. Quickly Leon complied and sent them to the sitting room where they had been the past weekend before leaving after Mithian who was apparently still in her room reading but not without throwing a worried look at Merlin.

Once the four of them were sitting across the three sofas and the door tightly closed, Merlin realized how big Arthur’s support group could be. They were all concerned about him and they had not questioned even twice about meeting them even when they didn’t give any hint of what was truly happening. Mithian looked worried but angelical and Merlin felt dubious about staring at her the moment she heard the news; it felt like a sacrilege to ruin her peace so abruptly on a Tuesday morning.

“Mithian, dear” Hunith began speaking while holding her hands with hers. She looked at his mother even more worried than before and relatively scared. “Hunith, what is it? You’re starting to scare me” Mithian pledged.

“There is a situation here that we need to tackle as soon as possible” she said.

“What sort of situation?” Leon asked leaning further from his seat.

“It’s about the baby, isn’t?” Mithian asked. Her eyes drifted from his mother’s worried face to Merlin’s own expression of anxiety; her eyebrows were high over her forehead while looking back at him, as if she was waiting for an answer from Merlin’s side and he simply nodded at her. He could see her eyes fell to the ground and her hands held tighter at Hunith’s. Leon sat back and let go a sigh of exasperation, not looking as surprised as Merlin had expected.

“Uther is planning on tampering the adoption process” Merlin said when his mother’s tongue seemed to be caught inside her mouth. “He wants the baby for himself” he said and Mithian let go a small and almost quiet sob. Her hands were covering her mouth as tears started to flow freely down her cheeks. There, he thought, done and the bubble was broken. He did it yet he didn’t feel as free or relieved as he had imagined it would feel but he still understood it had been a necessary curse of actions from his side. Seating there with Mithian’s shy crying as background noise and Leon pacing around the room impatiently, a part of Merlin felt extremely guilty while he wished either of those two reactions would have been Arthur’s last night.

“Does Arthur know?” Mithian asked when it seemed she was calmer even though her eyes were red and crystallized. Hunith nodded at her, holding her hands and giving her a tissue to dry her gentle tears.

“Did he…” Leon said while pointing at his nose and looking at Merlin with a serious frown while he still paced around the room. “Did he do this to you?” Merlin nodded again and Leon released a second sigh of pure frustration. “I knew it!” he said, “I just knew he would ruin this by… by being him!”

“Arthur is confused right now, he needs our help” Merlin said but his mother got up and walked to his side, grabbing his shoulder making him look up. “What’s important right now is that Mithian and the baby are far away from Uther’s reach” she said and Merlin understood –even though it was painful for him to admit it- that Arthur wasn’t the main focus of the problem right now.

“You should probably call Morgana too” he said looking at Mithian now.

“Why?” she asked and Merlin let go a big sigh before telling her the other half of the truth. If her tears were any indication of something else besides betrayal and panic, he couldn’t say.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

This was what they agreed: Mithian would stay with Hunith and him; Leon would stay behind waiting for Arthur to explain everything and excuse Mithian for going on a shopping trip downtown with Hunith if Uther materialized at his house magically. They had called Morgana –not Morgause- and tried to explain her that even when she had to come here quickly there was nothing wrong –obviously, they failed miserably at the last part-. While Mithian get acquainted with Merlin’s bed and papered walls, he would wait in the living room and tried not to do something reckless. That was the intended plan and he was quite keen on following it… except by the part he stumbled outside his home and wetn looking for Arthur.

He glanced at his watch as he made the left turn away from his street and even though it was still fairly early in the day and common sense told him Arthur should be at school, he knew too well his walk was directed to another very specific place.

When Merlin stared at the white walls and wild grass growing around the home, he realized it felt like ages or at least, two and half pieces of an eternity since their date the day before. He would never say it out loud but a part of him was glad he had the blackish bruise to show around his nose and under his eyes on that moment; maybe he couldn’t make Arthur listen to what he didn’t know yet but there was always the possibility of trip-guilting the man into understanding. It wasn’t the greatest of plans but he would have to make something from what he had.

The first floor was as empty as he had expected and Merlin started to make the slow walk upstairs as quietly as his feet allow him to do so. Perhaps, he thought, if he could use the power of surprise for his advantage this could be easier. Merlin cracked the door very slowly and shyly but to his great shock, the room where he and Arthur had danced the day before was empty. Did he really misjudged Arthur so greatly and the man was in fact at school like a responsible young student? He walked around the room as if Arthur could be hiding inside the walls, blended into the old floor boards or invisible to his sight. Once he was convinced Arthur was not there, he sighed and made the walk back down stairs; as he’s about to reach the door, his phone started to vibrate inside his pocket. He picked up and the screen glared an unknown number.

“Hello?” he asked.

“Merlin?” Leon said from the other line. How everybody seemed to find what his phone number was without asking him was far beyond his reach? “Leon, what is it?” he said as he waited for an answer lingering across the abandoned lobby.

“Are you with Arthur now?” the man asked and once Merlin denied it, he heard the pure panic inside the cousin’s voice. “I called school and they said he left after his second class early because some family emergency and that he needed to be back home immediately. I don’t know where he could be, he is not answering his phone”

So, Arthur had gone to school after all even when he didn’t wait for too long before checking out from it. Where could he be now if not here and not at school? There had to be a space in between and as this thought started to form itself inside Merlin’s mind, he just knew. He left the house behind him quickly and started to run down the street.

°°°°°°°°°°°°

The vintage black Ferrari was parked in its usual spot. Merlin’s heart was racing both from the frantic race but also out of his nerves starting to jump up and down inside his head. His ears were buzzing, mouth tasted slightly like blood and his legs shaking at his position in the furthest corner from the entrance to the parking lot but he didn’t care. At least his nose wasn’t bleeding right now.

He knew this would sound stupid if he said it out loud but he couldn’t worry about it: this wasn’t a time to think but a time to do. Merlin walked in a straight line directly at the copilot’s door and to his very great surprise, he could open the door and get inside the car. He looked to his right and met Arthur’s vicious frown and watery eyes; it was to put it mildly, a strange picture to behold even when the circumstances were already quite strange themselves.

“I went to your mother’s home” he said breaking the ice wall that was building between them. “I have to say I was shocked to know you had gone to school. Never thought you would be that responsible to your duties”

Arthur didn’t reply and went on to look whatever was happening in front of him through the windshield.

“You’re probably wondering how I know this. I went to your house in the morning, that’s why I wasn’t as school like you, with my mom and we talk to Mithian” Merlin said, feeling the urge to start rambling about non-stop was starting to rise inside his throat. “And then Leon called and said you left early and I went here and I found you”

Arthur still didn’t reply and still didn’t look back at him but by this point in their interactions –and the borderline cliché that it was not meet the eyes of the person speaking out the truth- Merlin was so used to this method of avoiding confrontation that he was practically immune to its effects. Of course, he felt slightly ignored but he knew very well Arthur was listening to him liked it or not.

“Don´t know where he got my number… but then again you may have saved it from when you called me last Saturday. Remember that, Arthur? Lovely day, lovely kisses, you asked me out on a date the following afternoon. That was two days ago, date was yesterday and then you sealed the night with a blow to the nose and… and now you are ignoring me but I know you are listening so is not working”

“Merlin…” Arthur finally hissed when the minutes had become too unbearable to tolerate with this form of constructed silence. The always reliable “shut up” that loyally followed the mention of Merlin’s name when Arthur use that tone in his voice was missed and somehow Merlin found himself wishing for Arthur to have made him shush. Instead Arthur broke down to sob with his hands still firmly grabbing to the steering wheel and his forehead touching the soft leather that covered it. “I’m sorry” he finally said once he was calmer but yet, their eyes did not meet.

“’m sorry” he said again, sniffing back the tears inside his eyes. “I’m sorry I punched you”. If Merlin would have been a violent person himself, he could have slapped the pretty eyes and strong jaw definition out of that man in one second.

“Oh, don’t you dare” he said, tossing his arms up in the air in a dramatic fashion that –finally!- compelled Arthur to meet his face. Red eyes and pouty mouth and yet, the bastard still look as desirable as always but then again, Arthur always had an act to tampered his good looks with his terrible personality. “Don’t do that!” Merlin exclaimed.

“What?” Arthur asked perplexed in between dry sobs.

“Not accepting your apology, sorry” he said and if he could have been standing, he would have put his hands over his hips.

“Why?” Arthur asked as if suddenly all of his vocabulary had been transformed into a monotone sequence of question that started with the “w” letter.

“I’m not mad at you because you punched me in the face, I wasn’t even mad at you! I mean, I’m now but it has nothing to do with the blow either!” he said, rambling-mode activated. “So I don’t want you to apologize to me because you hit me because frankly, I’m used to it and I know that speak volumes about my self-steem but that is not the case right now”

“My brain hurts” Arthur said using for one small second the cocky tone in his voice Merlin had grown quite fond of but it quickly vanished before it could last too long. “Should I hit you in the face and see if it starts working again?” he asked.

“I don’t understand” he said taking an even stronger grip from the steering wheel. “If you’re not mad at me for punching you, why are you mad at me?”

Merlin opened his eyes almost completely at this; it occurred to him he had never met somebody as thick and slow as Arthur before that could share his Greek-like-god features. “I’m mad at you because you didn’t believe me, called me a liar and basically didn’t trust me at any given point last night!”

“What would you have done?” Arthur asked raising his voice as high as Merlin had done which made him feel good because it seemed they were going to have the rational conversation the situation needed: shouting and fighting while talking indeed.

“First of all, listen…”

“I did listen” Arthur interrupted him.

“Secondly” he said ignoring the patronizing tone in his voice “considered for at least one tiny second that I told you the truth” Arthur turned around his sight from Merlin’s eyes but his hands were faster and he grabbed his precious jaw with a gentle grip to make him face this properly. “Why would I lie to you, Arthur?”

“I was happy…” he said in a shy whisper. Merlin dropped his hand from his jaw and unto his collar bone; he could sense Arthur’s slightly strong heartbeat under the collar of his jacket. “I’m not too used to been happy and I assumed you…”

“What?” Merlin interrupted this time. “Didn’t want to make you happy? That is… the most stupid and words can’t express this enough, thing you have ever thought in your life” Merlin said, holding to the collar of his jacket with fury and desperation. “Why I would like to make the cause of my own happiness unhappy? I wanted you to trust me Arthur and holding a secret like that from you wasn’t in the plans”

“If I had told you that your mother was betraying you, what would you have done?” Arthur asked, taking with both of his hands Merlin’s wrists.

“I would have gotten very angry… at my mom, Arthur. I would have been very upset at whoever was betraying me Arthur, not the person that was brave enough to tell me the truth”

“I guess I’m not as good and noble as you are” Arthur said bitterly. Merlin let go a sigh from his lips as the touch of Arthur’s skin with his own still felt as warm as in their date, cursing his body for not understanding the severity of the situation and that it wasn’t the time to think about other –more physical- things. Arthur let his head rest over Merlin’s shoulder, warm cheeks over cold fabric and Merlin rested his own cheek over the blonde head. They both seemed to be exhaling their own scents quietly for a couple of minutes before Arthur decided to let Merlin’s hand go from his grasp. Until this day is not quite clear how it happened but before neither of them knew what they were doing, their arms seemed to be trapped inside what it’s called a “proper hug”. It seemed that without anyone’s permission, both of their faces started to been drawn closer to the other until they were kissing with the passion that only bad romantic novels can know about.

Kisses could be soft, warm and you could see roses blooming around when they happened but, this one was something else: it felt their rage, it felt their desperation but mostly it felt their lust. Arthur’s tongue searched through the inside of his mouth as if it had a life of its own while Merlin’s hand grabbed his neck pulling their bodies closer. It didn’t matter that they were in a car and that a shift lever was between them because in that moment, their bodies didn’t feel anything besides themselves.

Merlin tried to place his left leg over Arthur’s lap, trying to ignore the sting of pain the movement and friction caused him in his trousers and Arthur held his knee pulling one half of his body closer to him. Before they realized it, Merlin had propelled himself across his seat and unto Arthur’s legs, resting his body over his lap not letting for one single moment his lips detached from the other. While Arthur moved his lips across Merlin’s and over the lobe of his ear, licking down the trace all the way to the birth of his neck, Merlin moved his legs so he could be properly seated over Arthur. It was in that moment when their groins touched each other making both Merlin and Arthur let go a moan of desire as with the seconds passing through, the need for friction was becoming too much for them.

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s ass with both of his hands, closing whatever gap it could be left in between their bodies and Merlin started to move slowly his body up and down from his lap trying to quiet the moans that were starting to form inside his mouth. It would have been too unbearable to break apart the kiss. Merlin’s hand soon grew tired of touching Arthur’s neck for too long and started to have a visibly struggle with the man’s jacket until it was finally low enough for him to start touching his chest. Arthur let go his ass for a couple seconds, completely taking off the jacket from the equation before letting his hands move from the back of Merlin’s trousers unto the front; Merlin thought for a second to see the other’s hands shaking slightly as they opened his belt but he soon forgot all about it. His trousers were near his knees now and he took off Arthur’s red shirt for him over his head; to have the liberty of touching his entire chest with his curious fingers made him smile while his lips found their way back to Arthur’s mouth.

Their moans started to become increasingly louder as the friction and movement became more intense. Arthur moved Merlin from his lap unto the steer wheel, letting his back rest over it while he lifted his shirt and started to left soft kisses over his stomach. Merlin shivered at the proximity of Arthur’s mouth to a part of his body he never thought it would be kissed before and Arthur smiled as Merlin bitted his lips trying to choke down the sounds his body seemed so eager to produce.

It was only once Merlin was back seated over his lap that Arthur ventured enough to place his hands –shyly and softly- over the front of Merlin’s pants. They were bright red and they both smiled looking at the other’s eyes with the memories. Merlin could see the indecision in Arthur’s eyes and kissed him, making him open his mouth to let his tongue inside as a manner of permission. Arthur’s hand went inside his pants and Merlin almost arched his entire back once flesh was touching flesh. His breath became harder as Arthur’s hand moved caressing him entirely, not able to kiss him anymore and letting his swollen lips rest over his naked shoulder. As if the movement and touch weren’t enough, the moment Arthur whispered his name over his ear as if the sounds the words produced were made out of velvet and silk, Merlin couldn’t hold it much longer letting himself come while saying Arthur’s name back in a cry of pleasure.

Merlin stared at Arthur’s eyes once he could breathe back normally and the other had cleaned his hand with a tissue from his pocket, feeling boneless and sleepy but radiant with bliss. “How could someone so beautiful think so little of himself?” he asked, grabbing him by the cheeks, kissing the corners of his lips.

“I should have have you in my life before I guess” Arthur replied kissing him back until they were hugging again, bare chest to covered one. Merlin’s heart was skipping inside his chest, grabbing Arthur’s back as if his life depended on it. And perhaps in that moment, during one small second when the universe aligns itself with the rest of the possible universes in some form of cosmic dance we are too small to understand, Merlin depended at Arthur and Arthur on him as brief and momentary as that moment could be.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

There was a plan and they should gave followed it even when it didn’t feel right: Merlin should have returned back to his home where his mother and Mithian ought to be expecting him and Arthur should have gone back to his house because Leon was expecting him as well. Instead, Merlin and Arthur went to the big gray building all across the other end of the town, hands intertwined at its fingers and dubious yet brave smiles on their faces. They had a dragon to slay.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

If Merlin had thought the building looked menacing, the door that led the way into Uther´s office was the sort of sight you see before fainting from fear and panic. And he could easily see himself doing so –falling unceremoniously to the ground- but now there was no need because he was holding Arthur’s hand and even if he fall, the other’s strong arm would catch him and quickly bring him back to life. Arthur would bring him life, he found himself thinking once the secretary sent them inside after giving them a look Merlin wasn’t sure was of disgust or fear, either way her expression wasn’t the best of omens for this moment.

Uther was sitting on a massive and dramatic leathered chair with a header that stand out about a meter over his light gray hair but he wasn’t looking at the door; instead he had his eyes focused through the window with a cup of hot tea over his lap. If he didn’t know how scary the man actually was and how much power he wielded over the town, Merlin could have thought for a moment the sight looked cozy.

“You know very well Arthur I do not enjoy unscheduled meetings” the man said before turning his head to the door. If Uther didn’t value precious and antique porcelain like he most certainly did, then he would have dropped his cup to the carpeted floor the second his cold eyes found the knot their hands were making. “What is this?” he asked, a pulsing vein appearing in his forehead, jaw clenched with homicidal thirst.

“Father, we need to talk” Arthur said as if he was addressing the leader of the entire universe –an epithet that surely did favors to Uther´s ego if he knew-. He could sense how nervous Arthur was, his hand with his as the pulse around his wrist increased with every second.

“Surely we do” he said coldly. “Alone” and then his eyes were profoundly piercing inside Merlin’s body.

“No”

“Arthur?” Uther asked as if his brain wasn’t sure how to process the picture, Arthur’s denial or both. Probably both and a million other things at the same time.

“I said no. We need to talk and Merlin is staying here”

“Arthur, if this is some sort of rebellion act you are trying to pull off with me, I can assure you is not going to work”

“I know this looks new…” Arthur said as if he had thought thoroughly the last word. “but it has nothing to do with me and Merlin”

“I can’t believe you stepped inside this building like this, everybody looking at your spectacle. Are you trying to ruin me?” Uther asked as if his son’s words mean nothing to him.

“Is not about my loyalty I want to talk about!” Arthur said, his pulse becoming more hectic with every word.

“Arthur…” he whispered to his ear, as tender as he could. He looked at him and Merlin could see the small child he had met years ago, the child that found him from the other side of the playground and decided he was worth his own chocolate biscuits. Merlin saw Arthur’s kindness but he also saw his fear and he held his hand tighter as if in his gesture the other could hear his words: breathe. But Arthur understood even without any sound and breathed, easing down his chest and heart.  “Father…” he said once again, his voice more controlled and his eyes more focussed. Merlin felt a slight shred of pride at him; the child might still be in there but Arthur looked nothing but a man in that moment. “My plans for the future of my child are my plans and you are not in them. What Mithian and I have chosen does not include you; it could never include you… I would rather see my son being raised by a pack of wolves than by you; I could send him in a basket down the river and recreate biblical times…”

“Arthur!”

“What?” He seemed to have snapped from a trance of possible and embarrassing scenarios. Merlin lifted his eyebrow and pursed his lips, hoping his none verbal communication still lingered between them. “Too much?” Ought a boy, he thought. Arthur smiled at him and he smiled because he had done it; taken, in a dramatic and awkward manner but it was done.

Uther cleared his throat and got from his bed and subconsciously Arthur held his hand tighter until Merlin’s fingers started to feel numb but he didn’t care. “I wasn’t expecting for you to know my plans until…”

“Until what?” Arthur interrupted him; he wondered if perhaps this was the first time any of this happened for him: raising his voice, mentioning biblical times, interrupting his father in midsentence. “The baby was born? And then what, father? Appear at the hospital and take the baby with you? We already decided on the parents”

“And when Morgause files for the divorce? You will send your son deliberately at a broken home, to chaos and madness in the middle of a divorce process? I’m doing you a favor” Uther said taking a step further away from his desk and closer to the two of them. It took every ounce of will power inside Merlin’s body and mind to not take a step back away from him but if Arthur was strong enough to remain in his position, then so he was.

“Don’t try to make this about my son, father. This is not about you doing what is right so don’t speak of favors. This is about yourself and what you want and that is… that is…”

Merlin searched for Arthur’s face but his eyes seemed lost. Even when he had a good idea of what was behind Uther’s intentions, it could never be easy for Arthur to reach the same thoughts he held. How could he react if he knew one day his mother was searching another child to call his son because she was looking for a second chance, a second chance to not ruin things because she thought she had failed with her first son? And the idea of Arthur saying those words that signified true daggers inside his heart because this man was his father and one should love and trust his parents with a blind passion, was too painful.

“You did a perfect job at raising your son, Mister Pendragon and there will never be enough time in this world for you to make it right because you already did, on the first try” Merlin said.

“Do not dare to speak to me” Uther told him and he could sense, smell and taste the poison inside his angry tongue.  

“Don’t speak to him like that!” Arthur snapped and Merlin held the man’s body back, afraid Arthur could actually ventured himself enough to engage in physical contact with the other; not that he didn’t believe Uther Pendragon deserved a big blow to the head and eager kick in the balls, but Arthur could never forgive himself if he did it.

“Damn it, Arthur! I’m your father”

“And I´m a father as well! And that is where the line is drawn. Period”

It was obvious Uther still had so many words inside his mouth, probably the vast majority insults or arguments that made sense only to him but Merlin didn’t stay there to listen to them. They turned their heels to the other side and exited the office with a big and cacophonous smack to the door.

“I´m proud of you, Arthur”, or “That went better than expected” or even, “Dear god, I’m going to piss my pants”. Any of those options would have been appropriated for the moment but they all felt short on one subject: Arthur and Merlin spoke better without the use or words and more with the use and strength of their bodies.

Arthur pulled him to his chest and whole body in one big thrust, kissing him with the same fire Merlin had felt during their first kiss. The memory, embittered by Arthur’s departure turned to sweet and sugar and all things that were precious and glorious in that second, with their tongues connected, searching for the other with the confidence of two thirsty lovers and the shout of surprise and shock that filled the environment courtesy of Uther’s secretary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side  
> Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes  
> And I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl  
> And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole  
> So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul  
> But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado  
> So I flip to my back and I float and I sing  
> I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything  
> I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything


	14. Anyone else but you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train,  
> Kiss you all starry-eyed, my body swingin' from side to side.  
> I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.

Having Hunith as a mother had many advantages; she was a kind, noble woman who worried more for her son than for her own life. She was well educated and knew many things about many other things. She worked hard and liked what she did, making a good for her community, assisting young boys and girls that needed help, counsel or basic health information.  But if Merlin had to pin point one single thing that he wished he couldn’t enjoy from her mother’s vast knowledge and helpfulness it had to be to listen and endure the “talk” every time he went out with Arthur. It had been amusing at first –awkward and embarrassing but he had laughed and smiled even when his cheeks went as red as his pants-, having to hear his mother tell him all about “safe sex”, always carry a condom with you and always ask for consent. It had been cute the first time because mothers worry and nobody worried more than Hunith; it had been funny the second and third time because Merlin started to wonder foolishly if this was going to happen every time. By the time the “talk” reached its twentieth time, it was plane awful. For everyone, especially when it happened with everyone around.

Merlin had never thought a pair of ears could go as red as the time Mithian was resting on the couch on his living room while reading a book and Hunith started to ramble and expose all that she knew about preservatives. If her recently turned nine month pregnant belly was any indication, she knew now all that it was to know about safe sex for the future but it did not ease the pain of having to listen a fifteen minute rambling on condoms. And things certainly didn’t turn for the best when Arthur and Leon arrived after going for a footie match on the park with some of Leon’s friends, all sweaty and tired, and having to sit by Mithian’s side listening to the wonders of appropriate foreplay between a couple. Merlin was probably already sinking deep beneath the cushion until complete banishment for this universe on the couch when the door bell rang and Morgana entered with bags filled with presents for everybody. He conveniently found an empty spot right next to his mother’s head incredibly interesting as the talk seemed to go on and on and on and he thought that if he focused on the particularity of that spot for a considerable amount of time, his body would transcend its physical form and leave the world to a faraway place where there wasn’t sex talks that transformed into symposiums on the subject of contraception. Besides, if something actually happened, it wasn’t as if Merlin or Arthur were going to get pregnant from it.

After Hunith was done and Mithian’s redness abandoned her face, Leon’s colors returned to his face and Morgana stopped wondering how she ended up pulled into this exotic parade of characters, Merlin stood up and went to his room followed closely by Arthur who was –very obviously- trying to choke back his laughter.

“It’s not funny” he said with a death-serious face to Arthur once he had closed the door of his bedroom and Arthur had tossed himself over his bed as if it belonged to him.

“Now, you see, you’re wrong because it’s very funny” Arthur said after he had finally let his laughter go freely. He accommodated himself on Merlin’s bed with one arm sustaining his head up high and looking at Merlin’s with a mixture of both intensity and tenderness. It was quite endearing from him.

Merlin rolled his eyes and walked to the window, opening it slightly to let the cool breeze enter so his face would feel less heated from the embarrassment. When he turned back, Arthur had taken off his sweaty shirt and was looking at him sitting on the edge of the bed with expectation.

“Come here” he said.

“No” Merlin said crossing his arms in front of his chest as if he was making a stand he will surely break in two more minutes. “You’re too sweaty”

“I’ve been dirtier before and you had no trouble touching me there”

“Well, maybe I didn’t enjoy it” he said with a grin. “You know? I would believe that if you didn’t purr when I touched you all dirty and everything”

“I do not purr!”

“Like a kitten” Arthur said sticking out his tongue and licking his upper lip, tempting Merlin’s will power.

“I’m not a kitten” he replied, pouting his lips forward –which surely made him look like a small and frail feline- and stomping his feet to the floor with no real strength. “If I’m to be a feline, I will be a big one like a puma or… a lion… if we are to be cats I would be a liger because it doesn’t get bigger than that”

“Merlin?”

“Shut up?”

“Actually, I was gonna say you had too many clothes on you to be this adorable” Arthur said getting up and walking to Merlin’s side, tugging his hands under Merlin’s jumper and touching the bare skin of his belly. The contact made Merlin shivered with anticipation but he quickly slapped Arthur’s hands away from him. “My mum is downstairs… it’s too weird” he said.

Arthur kissed him quickly on the lips before letting his hand trailed back from his belly to his ass. Now their bodies were safely touching as close as they could be, both feeling the other’s groins pressing against the other. Merlin looked at Arthur’s eyes and saw the blue fire and wantonness distinctively; for a second, he held his breath in and fell his pulse beating as strong as if he was running around the track field. He knew his eyes showed the same to Arthur’s sight but it was almost hour for lunch, Arthur was bathed in sweat and there was a full blown tea party downstairs. Too many variables to make this a very awkward experience.

“Fine” Arthur said with a sigh that represented Merlin in equal manner. “But just so you know, I now know about fifty different ways to have my way with you safely” he said with a cocky grin that showed how badly they both wanted to prove if those fifty ways were actually true or not.

“Always a way with romance” Merlin said kissing Arthur before the stickiness from his broad chest became too much for his sake.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

After the day both Merlin and Arthur remembered as the day they “slaughtered the dragon”, dynamics changed.

At first Mithian had stayed in Merlin’s home sleeping on his bed for four days until Leon came one morning and assured Hunith that Pendragon Manor was big enough for her to stay back there without meeting Uther unceremoniously. She left on a Friday morning and Merlin went to school like he had done the past days, falling to his old routine of attending classes, sitting quietly and walking down the corridors from his locker to the next classroom… with Arthur always by his side.

“Everyone keeps staring at me” he said silently when he met the blonde one in the library before going to his home that same afternoon. Arthur’s hand was on his hip and his lips were kissing down the trail from his jaw to his neck; talking was becoming increasingly more difficult as the kisses became stronger and messier. “Why nobody does stares at you too?” he asked with half of his voice.

“Because they always do, I’m immune now”

“They can’t touch you then?” Merlin asked, biting down his lower lip feeling how his pants and trousers became more and more smaller around his tights. Arthur didn’t answer, just nodded around his neck and left a very obvious mark on a very obvious place. “How I’m going to explain that now?” he said once they were out of the library after suffering a death cold glare from Miss Catrina’s side; they could have at least taken out a book to keep appearances, he started to think before realizing thinking and Arthur’s tongue did not go well in the same sentence.

“Use your handkerchief higher” Arthur replied sticking out his tongue, making Merlin’s belly all filled with butterflies and little kittens purring their way around his body.

They were already out of the building, walking slowly to Arthur’s car and the safety and security the closed doors and tinted windows meant when they collided against Will who, if Merlin didn’t know better –or thought he did-, was waiting for them.

It had seemed Arthur was about to shout at his former friend, falling back deep into “prat mode” when Will did something Merlin had never saw or though he would ever see in this lifetime: he apologized, to Arthur Pendragon, calmly and without the use of swear words.

“Sorry mate. My bad” Will said cheeks going pale red. Perhaps Merlin was losing his mind; perhaps long exposure to Arthur’s body had some delayed side effect that involved seeing hallucinations. Or maybe he didn’t know Will as well as he thought he did. They stayed quiet, making a trio of awkward stances in the parking lot, neither of them brave enough to break the silent moment even though they desperately wanted to.

“I see your nose healed just fine” Will said looking at him, first his nose –the purple bruise around and down his eyes was almost completely gone now- and then to his eyes. It was just for a single moment, almost like a spark in the pale blue eyes his friend showed him but for that moment, Merlin remembered a small kid with a bowl haircut entering his kitchen and slapping his hand holding a freshly baked cookie he had stolen because “It was for later” and when Merlin had stubbornly ate it anyway, he had ran back looking for a mother that wasn’t his own but who treat him just like her own flesh and blood to accuse him of his crime. 

“I’ve always been a fast healer” Merlin said shrugging his shoulders trying not to think about that small kid.

“You had to be one, otherwise you’d probably had fell death long time ago… always stumbling on your feet”

“Always been pushed around by a certain friend”

“Always saying the stupidest things that deserved to be pushed for – always embarrassing me in the street”

“Oh please! I never embarrassed you!” Merlin replied feeling a big and joyous grin forming on his face. “You embarrassed yourself by being yourself; you didn’t need my help on that”

Will showed him the same grin he knew now it was impossible to hide or ignore, his eyes were sparkling and his crooked teeth were showing like when he had been younger and he tried to hold a steady and serious face when Hunith scolded him for forgetting to eat his breakfast on the weekends. Then his eyes darted at Arthur who, Merlin noticed, squared his shoulders broadly at the piercing gaze the other offered him. He imagined what the next words will be: “Can I talk to you alone?” Will would ask and Merlin would nodded at him; Arthur would tried to make himself disappear from sight as casually as he could walking towards his car and giving Merlin a smile that meant “I-understand-this-is-necessary-but-if-he-punches-you-I-will-slaughter-him” and Merlin would smile back at him.

“I need to talk to you both” Will said, making him opened his eyes quite widely –which in retrospective most have looked very strange- and realized that Arthur had loosen the posture of his body probably caught by the surprise as well. “I need to tell you something and it’s not going to be easy because, well you know I’m not very good at feelings…”

“You are not that good with words either” Merlin interrupted and Will shoved him on the shoulder. “I’m trying to be deep here! Stop ruining the moment”.

Once Will realized Merlin wasn’t going to step on the moment any further –although deep and emotional conversations made Merlin’s skin crawl from his bones and leave him forever so he avoided them like the plague, he couldn’t make a very good promise on it- Will breathed for a couple of seconds silently before taking a step ahead and presented his hand to Arthur’s. Merlin saw how the other’s blonde eyebrow raised and felt the dubious feeling of confusion forming itself around his features; he elbowed him on the ribcage and forced him –with the natural talent of not using words but persuasive eyes- to not move because he had to decided that for himself if he wish to but to at least, make a sign showing he acknowledged what was happening. Arthur didn’t meet Will’s hand immediately but instead, started to inspect as politely as he could through the other’s features, weary of any hidden implications behind the peace offering.

“For fuck’s sake mate!” Will snapped “I know is weird but I don’t bite!”

In that moment, Merlin wasn’t sure if Arthur did it because he wished to or because he took Will’s words a form of personal challenge over his honor; in the end, it didn’t matter too much and spending minutes wondering why it happened lead to nothing: Arthur shook the other’s hand and peace felt installed around the air over their heads. The shake lingered for about thirty seconds before they broke it off as if the other had an equal amount of flees on their skin which made Merlin snort and receive a death-piercing glare from two pairs of eyes. He suddenly felt very small in comparison with the other two standing next to him but he realized if the two had any chance of allying themselves over something it had to be him and his strange mannerisms.

“Can I talk to you now?” Will asked him and as he had predicted before, Arthur made himself scattered behind the two closer to his car but still close enough to be at one jump away from his side. As cute as the exhibition of distrust he was pulling in that moment, Merlin realized he seemed more relaxed and a tiny and invisible smile was threatening to make its way around his lips. “That wasn’t as terrible as I thought it was going to be” he said once they were alone.

“I think he appreciates the display of civility too much to make a fuzz about it” Merlin joked while stealing a quick glimpse at Arthur who was staring back at him curiously with his hands inside his pocket as the perfect idea of simplicity and easy-breezy attitude. The thought of seeing Arthur posing behind a meadow full with flowers and a bright sky made him smile and Will kicked him in the kneecap for it; when looked at his friend, fondness and a small shred of confusion was drawn on his eyes.  “So… you two are friends now?”

“Yes” he replied smiling “Technically, we were friends before but we had a sort of fall out and at first, I didn’t know what we were…”

“When you were tutoring him?” he asked making a special emphasis with his tone on the fact that he smelled his bullshit from a continent drift away. Merlin didn’t reply but instead crinkled his nose so intensely it hurt so he stopped and met Will’s “I-do-not-care-if-you-crinlke-your-entire-body-I-am-still-waiting-for-an-explanation” look which Merlin couldn’t resist. “So you always knew it was a lie?”

“To be honest, I always thought you were the shittiest liar ever but Blondie back there made you look like you could be an international super spy”

“Oh, don’t tell him that. He thinks he’s very good at keeping appearances”

“Don’t worry, I’m not talking to him again” he said which made Merlin feel a small sting on his chest. Just when things started to look oh so bright, having his two worlds united proved to be too much to be real. “You are not?” he asked him.

“I mean, I’m not calling him Blondie to his face. He’ll punch right in the nose for it”

“No he won’t” he said trying to defend Arthur’s honor as best as he could but his efforts were meet with Will’s incredulous look. He knew it wasn’t something as easy as to be understood in one single sentence or conversation but deep inside of him, the need and necessity of explaining how much Arthur had changed over the past months felt imperative.

“Well, I suppose he can’t still be a insufferable prat if you are hanging out with him now” Will replied.

“Oh no, he’s still a prat” he said making sure the last word sounded as loud as he could. When he heard an annoyed “Hey!” coming from behind of Will’s back, a small shred of success bathed him over the head. “And he never was as insufferable as we though he was” he said smiling fondly straight to Arthur’s eyes at a distance.

“You really like him” Will said and even when Merlin didn’t wish for it to happened, he stopped breathing and felt his pulse raising through his veins. What he was and what he liked, it was a talk long overdue for two people who called themselves best friends; it wasn’t as if he had been afraid of telling Will he was gay, afraid of his reaction or the idea the other will hate him but instead, he feared at the thought of things changing in a subtler way. As if one day he would be treated differently, as if his best friend would be tiptoeing around him because he will be afraid of disturbing his gay sensibility or something worse than that. Merlin didn’t believe that Will would do this –if he did it- on purpose but he knew that for some people, that type of new revelation was harder to deal with than for others.

He was about to say something, anything for that matter but his tongue made a knot with itself inside his mouth as Will held his hand and looked at him with understanding and expectation. “I’m okay with that if you are okay with that but if you’re going to be those couples who can’t keep their hands from the other staring at their eyes all the time and spilling sonnets about how perfect your asses are… then I’m might feel, I don’t know, a tad awkward about it”

It was the closest he could ever get to have a blessing from him –his best friend, his first friend- and without really thinking how it was the first time it properly happened ever since they became old enough to find public displays of affection strange, Merlin hugged Will and to his own bliss, Will hugged him back. 

He was back on his life but it was a new life to experience.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

He was sitting on the left corner of his couch, with Arthur’s head lingering lazily over his lap who was finally finishing the last pages of the John Keats’ anthology book he had bought months ago. His mother was sitting on the chair in front them cutting some photographs for his thirtieth scrapbook; Will had just left after spending the entire afternoon teaching Arthur the proper ways at cheating while playing poker without being noticed. Leon had dropped by that same morning, leaving some groceries for Hunith because she had mentioned the day before she was going to be too busy to do the proper shopping the next day and the four had eaten a very filling omelet each. Mithian was too big and too cranky lately to be travelling to his house so they made the trip instead every two days, understanding –thanks to Arthur’s warnings- that she was more than ready to deliver the baby any second now so she wasn’t to be mess with, at all. 

Time seemed so still, his living room as the perfect picture of calmness and peace, no one making a sound and everyone enjoying themselves in the steadiness of order and balance. Things had been so different, Merlin realized, almost two months before when they had just “finished off” the dragon and had made the way back at his home. If he had met someone stupid enough to trust Merlin with a sword –someone stupid enough to not know what a hazard for humanity it meant the idea of Merlin holding a sharp weapon-, he could have cut the tension with it. Mithian still looked as pale as a ghost and Leon had been pacing for so long around the couch and the coffee table his mother had made him a cup of their most expensive tea –which she only saved for times of extreme urgency- and made him seat down and drink it calmly. When they stood inside the house holding hands they heard a gasp –Mithian’s-, the sound of a porcelain being placed as gently as rage allowed it over a coffee table –Leon’s- and a small whisper saying “Thank god” –Hunith’s-.

“I think we need to talk” Arthur said and Leon walked straight to them, with fire on his eyes and Merlin had thought for a brief second the man would slapped him in the face for tampering the virtue of his cousin. He didn’t realize he had his body ready waiting for the impact when the soft and mellow arms of the ginger man curled around his body; Leon’s hugs were as he talked: comforting and welcoming.

“Thank you” he whispered to his ear for nobody else to hear and he smiled in recognition. Perhaps it had been the confusion of the moment or the last drains of adrenaline he had felt after confronting Uther on his own territory that altered his sight but for a moment he thought he had seen the other’s eyes crystallized after letting him go.

Mithian was already on her feet when she walked straight to Arthur’s side and slapped him on the face, successfully breaking the tension and the tender moment between the other two. “You’re really something else Arthur Pendragon! You have this wonderful man at your side that is willing to tell you the truth and you assault him on his pretty face”

Arthur seemed ready to counteract at this attack but Mithian’s slim finger was over his lips, sealing his mouth from any further comment. “I’m just glad now you found sense on it but we have some very important issues to deal the two of us”

A part of Merlin was left speechless as the simple fact he never could have guessed Mithian’s sweet voice could reach that level or for her soft features to frown so deeply into an angry face. It was quite a revelation for him; so shocking, he almost forgot how serious things were for her and he snorted loudly next to the couple. They both gave him a “bad-timing-as-always-to-be-yourself-Merlin” stare. He apologized and walked till he was right next to his mother who looked at him as if her son was the funniest thing on the planet. Mithian and Arthur sat on the couch and shared what they both knew so far and what they had done about it; Morgana was already on her way and Uther was probably still trying to process what has happened before. They didn’t breathe until they found themselves saying out loud the question anybody who is in trouble dreads to make: “What now?”

Even when Arthur wasn’t still in the place to actually say it out loud, a part of Uther had been right on something: a baby being raised on the chaos and pain of a divorce wasn’t the brightest idea on the book. It certainly wasn’t what neither of them had hoped for when they chose Morgana and Morgause at first and now, the choice seemed to be lingering on a tightrope. In that moment, Hunith spoke for the first time since they had arrived.

“Why did you choose them at first?” she asked. Arthur and Mithian shared a look –Merlin felt proud with himself at how little it bothered him how the two shared this bond, he wasn’t stupid enough to confused their relationship at this point- and she smiled as if she had remembered a silly joke she had heard before. “It was right there on the photo” Mithian said.

“What was on the photo?” Leon asked.

“A mother” she replied after a couple of seconds smiling and caressing her belly with love. It was a simple as that and they both knew once again: their baby had already a mother for him and she was on her way from Acestir.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Merlin did the best he could trying to remember how Morgana had behaved the short times they had met before; always so kind, always so sensitive and always asking Mithian how she felt and if she needed something. He really tried to recall her sweet eyes but as much as he tried, the fire and rage they showed and how easily the woman that had looked like a loving princess had turned into a warrior queen in front of his eyes took him by surprise.

It wasn’t as if the confrontation had been planned at first but no one had counted on the possibility of Morgana arriving that very night with Morgause by her side; in retrospective, it had been the rational thing to do to travel with your wife to meet the women carrying their future child but with Morgause’s history of being absent from anything related to the baby, nobody suspected she would even considered at being there. And of course, when they entered at Merlin’s humble abode and listened to a collection of five shocked gasps, something seemed to click inside Morgana’s brain, because she turned quiet viciously on her killer heels and stood right in front of Morgause’s face. Merlin knew if Will had been there –or perhaps, even Gwaine- someone might have shouted “Girl fight!” so he thanked his lucky stars that the five of them managed to hold some composure when the couple started to bicker with some terrible effortless nature.

“I knew it!” she said, “I knew you couldn’t let me have this!”

“Oh please” Morgause replied, unaffected by her significant other’s shouts. “I never lied, this was long overdue”

“I thought you wanted this too! I thought we both wanted this”

“I’m just not ready to be a mother now. I have a career to worry about too”

“I have a career as well!” Morgana said. A part of Merlin’s brain was whispering he needed to leave the room as quickly as he could because this was personal and emotional but another part was shouting at him to pay as much attention as possible because nobody else was moving, not even his mother and if someone as proper and polite as Hunith stood there out of pure shock then he wasn’t going to be the first to leave.

“Doodle on a notepad is not a career, my darling” Morgause replied with a cold and sweet tone on her voice and suddenly, all the frames and all the plants that were standing close to Morgana looked at his eyes like very potential and deathly weapons for her choice.

Suddenly, the lethal silence in the room broke off. “Out!” Merlin heard from his right; his mother had stood from her chair and had taken a walk ahead of the rest of awkwardly formed viewers. “I’m sorry?” Morgause asked with faked confusion.

“You heard me just fine. This is my home and I would not have you here insulting one of the kindest women I have ever met. I was pleasant enough to be around you when we met before but now it’s enough and since you have no other business with any of us, leave now”

“This is a discussion with my wife…” she started to say but she never finished. “This is not a discussion, darling” Morgana interrupted her as if the last words had been poison for her lips, “but a goodbye”. She walked to their side after that, standing next to Leon and looking as regal as an empress declaring the next world war to the rest of the universe. Morgause stood there, not knowing who to look with more hatred on her eyes first; her eyes darting from pair to pair, stopping at Merlin’s for a couple of seconds which made him shivered with the idea he was being cursed by her. Once she was finally at the door, closing it almost behind her, he told her “Thank you for coming” but the only response he got was a sonorous slam to the old and frail door. That threshold had witnessed more drama in one lifetime and still stood there loyally at the entrance of his home, he thought before realizing the moment Morgause disappeared, everyone let go a big sigh of relief.

Suddenly, the fierce goddess that had displayed her fury in front of them vanished from Morgana’s body and the sweet and tender voice appeared back. “I apologized” she said, “I wished you didn’t have to look at that”

“I think it was all for the best” Hunith replied, taking her hand with her own and sitting her on the couch next to Mithian who was resting now by their side. It was then, when everything seemed calmer and the scene they had witnessed seconds before started to feel more and more surreal when Morgana asked the question that everyone when they know for sure something good is going to happen, are more than eager to answer: “What now?”

“Well” Arthur said, “If you’re still in, so are we”

That had been almost two months from that and not only Morgana had shown them the biggest smile a women of her size could make but also, she had become –just as Leon and Mithian had- a member of the social group that got together and drank tea ignoring how he and Arthur exchanged puppy eyes with the other. Like he had thought before, dynamics had changed and now, once he remembered how it all had happened with Arthur almost falling asleep over his legs and his mother humming softly near him was the moment Merlin realized peace meant happiness and he liked every second of it.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Arthur had gone to another football match, this time not with Leon but Gwaine, Percival and Lancelot instead. Merlin knew they had started to call the team “The Knights” but he couldn’t help to call it the “Two gays-one straight-one bi squadron” –although, clearly he would never said that at any of the other´s face except Arthur one time when his filter had disappeared because his brain was too busy constructing new ways to moan and purr at the other’s contact over his tights-. 

His mother had gone to the social center unexpectedly because there had been a trouble with the records and Gili didn’t have the code or passwords necessary to do so. Leon had left Ealdor two days before to visit his flat at Camelot and picked some new clothes to renew his wardrobe –which was a clear indicator the man planned to stay at the Manor for the long run-. Merlin had stayed at home because that is what you do on lazy Saturday mornings and that it was what he wanted to do.

He stole a glimpse at the clock next to his head indicating it was dangerously near noon and he was still on his bed when his phone rang and he cursed whatever evil creature had dared to called him on such untimely hour.

“…ello” he mumbled once he managed to drag his body away from the sheets and then made the slowly painful walk back to his bed before answering. His mouth was covered halfway and a part of the duvet was tucked between his lips so his words might have come a little bit unintelligible. “Hello” he repeated this time more coherently once he realized the other end did not answer; he didn’t look at the screen before answering but once he did and saw the unknown number, he sighed. It seemed like a strange tradition for his cell phone to always be receiving strange calls.

“Is this Merlin Emrys?”

He didn’t recognize the voice but it was a low tone that reminded him of something else, something unpleasant perhaps.

“Yes…” he replied tentatively, “Who’s this?”

“I’m Uther Pendragon”. Merlin’s eyes opened entirely at this. That was a first, he thought before realizing that hell most have froze over if he was actually having a phone talk with Uther Pendragon while still been on his bed. If Arthur was to find out –and he was bound to do so-, he will never see the end of it. He bolted from his bed not only because the idea of listening to Uther’s voice while lingering on his bed made him feel weird but also out of the pure shock of having received the call to begin with. He wasn’t sure how he was suppose to address the man in first place; “Mister Pendragon” sounded as if the other deserved his respect and “Uther” would probably be the line the coroner will write on his report once he had collected the pieces of his body after being murdered by the unmerciful rage of Uther Pendragon… but Merlin was going on a tangent now as he realized he ought to say something before this drag longer than it should.

“What can I do for you?” he said and his voice sounded just like he could be the man’s personal assistant and his stomach made a twist inside of him out of disgust.

“I have tried calling everybody else but nobody seems to understand that phones are meant to be answered. I don’t understand what was the point of buying Arthur such expensive devise if he had no intention of using it properly…”

It was clear the man was set to start a rant against modern technology –Merlin imagined Uther sitting in front of a computer trying to make it work and every time the machine made a sound, the other would scream “Sorcery!” in horror-, and he did not have neither the time nor the care to listen to it. “Mister Pendragon” he interrupted him, “What is it?”

“I’ve been trying to call everybody to let them know I’m at the hospital with Mithian” he said, probably doing his best to ignore the small fact that a peasant like him had just interrupted his very important words of wisdom.

“What?!” he screamed to the other end, getting up from his bed as quickly –and uncoordinatedly- as he could, doing his best to try and slip his legs inside a pair of jeans that were on the floor, with the phone secured between his ear and neck and not thinking at all at the fact he had probably left Uther Pendragon deaf with his shout. “Is she okay? Is the baby okay? Oh my god! The baby is coming isn’t? Where is she? What is happening?” he started to say before realizing it was his time to rant and he had made all the way to the stairs with one leg inside his trousers and without any shoe at all.

“Mister Emrys” he heard from the other side and he wondered how on earth Uther could be as calm as he sound when everything that had been building up from the last months in his life had finally reached its natural end. “I need to know if you have any means to contact my son. I believe this is of his concern”

“Well, it’s everybody’s concern, Mithian is my friend too” he said once he was fully clothed and he was just about to leave his home behind. Once he realized he had absolutely no idea where to go next or what to do with this information, he froze next to the door. He didn’t own a car and if Arthur or anybody else had answered the phones before, why would they answer to him now? “Which hospital is she?”

“Sadly…” Uther said letting go a sigh that made him sound strangely human for a second, “In the only hospital this town has where the only decent doctor works on”

“Avalon?” he asked with disbelief; it was almost on the furthest border, east of the city. He’ll had to ride a magical broom –or a winged beast- to be there, knowing his legs could never do him the favor of jogging such great distance. Why didn’t he own a car, or a bicycle, or even a small pair of blades?

“Mister Emrys, would you let my son know of this” Uther said after Merlin stopped making any sound while still holding the phone next to his ear. The man’s cold plea woke him up from his trance, snapping him out of the unfortunate list of reasons why he could never make it to the hospital on his own but at least, it has given him a purpose. His legs might not make the run but a black vintage Ferrari could do it in a heartbeat.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Once Merlin showed his sweaty and “at the brink of collapsing from exhaustion” face at the park, interrupting the celebratory dance Arthur was making after scoring against the rival team, it only took about two and a half micro seconds for him to understand what was happening. He parted ways with the other members of the team without a very long explanation and ran to Merlin’s side –who truly needed a glass of water and a thirty-hour nap from the effort at least to start breathing again like a normal human being-, picked up his bag and taking him by the wrist, dragged his body with faltering legs inside of his car.

“Where?” he asked and Merlin, in between whistles, explained everything that had happened before pointing the path to Avalon’s Hospital. He saw how much Arthur’s eyes had grown at the mention of Uther calling him but once he had a destination, he pressed his foot deep to the accelerator and left the park behind without giving a single flinch about it.

He had tried calling his mother but the office’s number was disconnected and her phone was sending him straight to voice mail. After leaving a couple of messages explaining what was happening while still trying to regain some fresh air inside his lungs, he realized they haven’t called Morgana yet; he was certain that Uther would never had done that call himself so when she answered at the second ring and asked Merlin “Why you two are not here yet?” using her “I-will-be-your-doom-unless-you-give-me-a-proper-answer” voice, he gave Arthur a confused look which made the other raised his eyebrow.

“Wait” he said once his brain received enough oxygen to function normally again, “Where are you?”

“At the hospital, where you should be as well”. Merlin closed his eyes confused; obviously he had passed out after the run and was now unconscious on the floor having a very strange dream. He saw Arthur mouthing a big “What is it?” quietly while making a turn to the left, almost right next to the hospital’s entrance.

“Wait” he said again, “How could you be there before us? You don’t live here”

“It’s the fifth of February; we ought to sign the papers today. I was on my way when she called saying she was going to the hospital”. She hanged up after it, obviously with no time to waste on meaningless people like him on this day.

He had completely forgotten about it. Today was the day everything was done officially, the day Arthur’s child would no longer be his own on legal terms. Merlin wondered if Arthur had forgotten about it as well but he doubt it; the man could be slightly clueless on many aspects but not with this. “Morgana is already there” he told Arthur once they had found a proper parking spot and where almost jogging again –god not again, he thought for a moment- to the elevator. Arthur didn’t answer; his body seemed to tense up and it made Merlin’s own muscles physically ache at the sight. He grabbed his hand and he took it back with a strong grip; there wasn’t too much for him to do now except be by his side and offer him a sympathetic smile. He hoped it would be enough.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Mithian had not gone through his last month very gracefully –and she would kill Merlin if she knew he thought that-, the girl he had met at first who only use gentle words and moved as if she left a trail of roses after her have transformed slightly but even at her worst times, there was still a small hint of the person she used to be. The Mithian he met inside the hospital’s room, pacing around her bed wearing a robe with her hands caressing her back did not match at all at that idea of delicacy he held from her; it was the vivid picture of a woman more than willing to destroy an entire continent if it promise her relief from her pain. He felt bad for her for about five seconds before she saw her and snapped at his sight.

“You” she said as if she was spiting a poisonous dart from her lips and pointing a finger on her direction. Merlin actually feared for his life before realizing the stare of death was directed to his right. Mithian walked away from her bed and rested her hands over Arthur’s shoulders that held her as firmly as they could. “I hate you” she said dragging her words slowly from her lips.

“Please, go back to your bed and rest” Arthur said and Merlin saw the fear in his eyes, not sure if it was due to the general situation or Mithian’s rage. Once she was finally back on her bed, which she did without taking her eyes away from Arthur as if she was making sure the other didn’t forget how much she despised him at this moment, doctor Trovar appeared at the door.

“Please, call me Gaius” he said after Arthur greeted him by his formal name. He gave Mithian a kind smile before starting to check her belly and her signs of dilation. “It seems you’re almost there but still, you’re two centimeters left”

If looks could killed, Gaius would be already buried and eaten by maggots after Mithian gave him a glare that made Merlin’s blood turned cold from a distance. The physician seemed to not notice this very obvious display of hatred –it probably came with the job- and patted Arthur on the shoulder before leaving the room.

“Merlin said my father brought you here” Arthur said while accommodating her pillow behind her head. Merlin walked to the other side of the bed and sat by her side, not sure if it was safe to hold the woman’s hand without her permission or body armor. As if the man had been standing outside the room waiting for his cue, Uther step inside followed closely by Hunith who almost ran to Mithian’s side. The frown in the other’s face seemed to melt slightly once his mother was in the room but the obvious tension that grew at the fact that the two Pendragons were on the same room for the first time ever since the “Dragon-day” was palpable. Arthur looked at Merlin, looking for comfort and he had to give another smile at him; he saw the blonde sigh and turn around to meet his father. The situation was less than ideal for a father-son reunion but, at least the recognition of the other in the same place started as amicable as it could. They shook hands, Arthur thanked him for helping Mithian and bringing Hunith here; Uther didn’t reply, just nodded and Merlin wondered if perhaps this was how the man always behaved with his son. There wasn’t any more time for enquiries on the subject, Mithian’s shout of pain cut down any trace of tension between the two men and Hunith showed her face down the halls, asking for the “God damn epidural, now!”

Merlin knew what this meant; it meant it was time for him to leave the room. As brave as he could be –he had faced Uther Pendragon one time before-, he did not had the stomach to stand there and witnessed the beautiful miracle of birth. He left the room as quickly as he could once he saw doctor Gaius entering the room followed by a nurse; the chaos that started to resonate from the inside of the room only convinced him further that he need to get away.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Perhaps he wasn’t allowed to say it but… she looked like Arthur, with a pair of bright eyes inspecting every corner around her. She got Mithian’s nose and lips but those blue-as-the-sky eyes and hint of a blonde mane were too distinctive to ignore.

He didn’t realize when it started but before he could do anything about it, tears had started to flow down through his eyes while he had his head pressed down the mirror that divided the hall from the nursery room. It made no sense, to be so sensitive over this, to feel sad about it. Merlin looked at his right and was startled at finding Morgana there, looking even more destroyed than him with tears streaming down her face as well. She looked back at him and Merlin realized that wasn’t the look of sadness or pain, but the pure panic and excitement of the unexpected.

“I must look like a mess” she said, trying to clean her eyes.

“It suits you” he said quietly, “You already look like a new mother”

She smiled at him before turning her gaze back at the little girl, at the petite copy of Arthur, his Arthur.

He left the hall and started to walk around, uncertain where to go now. He had tried going back to the room once he knew the baby had been born but when he peak through the corner of the opened door, he saw Mithian resting inside Arthur’s arms and felt too much depravity at the thought of interrupting them. They were both crying silently and his mother had told him once he was prudently away from the picture that neither of them had chosen to see the baby. It had been in that moment when his feet made the unconscious walk to the nursery; he had to know how she looked and in a not surprising way at all, she looked perfect.

Things had found their natural course, Merlin thought when he found Arthur’s car still parked on the underground level. He sat next to the co-pilot’s door –his door, he thought- and placed his head gently to the surface behind it. It had just hit him like a splash of cold water that this wasn’t his story, that this wasn’t his life going through some life changing event but it was Arthur’s… Arthur and Mithian’s, not him. He felt the weight of everything that happened the last months over his shoulders and wished he could sink right there, beneath the concrete floor and rest for a very long time. He closed his eyes and wished that he could stop being so selfish about everything.

He only opened his eyes when he heard a series of steps echoing around the empty parking lot. It was a slow and calm pace, the type you make when you know exactly where you are going to and you have no rush on getting there. Arthur sat by his side on the floor and rested his head on top of Merlin’s shoulders; he didn’t know what to do next and his eyes were slowly being filled by tears at the touch of the other’s soft cheek with him.

“Why are you here? I was looking for you all over the place” he said. If only he could have managed to have been a little bit less selfish, just for one moment and remembered that Arthur needed him but no, the sight of his daughter was too much for him to be the source of comfort he should be for him. “What?” Arthur asked once Merlin didn’t answer.

He dried his tears with one hand, trying to pull away from Arthur’s side but the other held his hand and pulled him closer to him. “I just couldn’t be there…”. Merlin looked at the other’s eyes, the signs of past tears still visible around his cheeks and he started to tear down again. “I know I’m being selfish now and that I have no right on making this about me but… things are going to be different now and I don’t know what to do about it”

“What are you talking about?”

“That is…” he said trying to find the right words, “That is over” he said and his heart ached at the sound of it. Arthur opened his eyes with fear and he saw a hint of a new tear forming on the corner of them. “What is over?” he asked, grabbing Merlin’s hand stronger than ever as if he was afraid that if he let go, Merlin would vanish.

“Everything, I mean… everything started because of this and it’s seems logical it’ll end now this is ending, right?” he asked.

Arthur smiled with one of those disarming smiles he saved for when Merlin was being utterly hopeless around him. “You idiot! You scared me!” he said.

“What?” he asked and Arthur kissed him without replying. The touch of his lips came with such great force, it felt like a full body lunge from the other’s side, sending his crouched body to the floor with his back over the cold concrete and the tires next to his face. He felt the strength Arthur was using to move his tongue around his lips, waiting for Merlin to reply and open his mouth; Arthur’s chest was over his own and their legs were in between his. He pulled the man away from his face and stared at him confused. “Why am I the idiot?”

“Because I can’t call you adorable when you worry over nothing” Arthur replied, sending small kisses around Merlin’s neck while his hands found their usual path near his buckle. “How can you say it’s nothing?” he asked, trying to ignore Arthur’s avid fingers around his hips.

“Well, of course things started because this happened but it doesn’t mean I will stop feeling what I do because it’s over now” Arthur said as his skilled hands had already loosen Merlin’s belt and almost open his jeans.

“But things are going to change” he said.

“The things that are out of our reach do change but not what we feel for the other, right?”

Merlin stared at Arthur and for a moment, forgot he was lying on the dirty floor of a underground parking lot on a hospital and that everything around him stink with oil and petrol and realized that in that moment, inside that space, his heart was jumping with something that resembled too closely at what people called Love.

“I thought all good dreams came to an end” he said

“Oh, they do” Arthur said right before tugging his hand inside Merlin´s pants, “But you see, this is no dream anymore… this is our life and this is very real”

Merlin kissed –to not say, devoured- the other’s lips with his own while he felt the blonde’s hand stroking him until he came, whispering Arthur’s name to his ear. When he repay Arthur with the same gesture minutes later, Merlin realized his reality seemed better than he could have ever dream off… and there was no song on his playlist that could even start to describe what joy he had and was about to experience from now on.

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are always tryin' to keep it real,  
> I'm in love with how you feel.  
> I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.
> 
> The playlist that inspired the chapters' name is the next:  
> Expectations - Belle and Sebastian  
> A well respected man - The Kinks  
> My rollercoaster - Kimya Dawson  
> Tree Hugger - Kimya Dawson  
> Besame mucho - it depends on who you prefer  
> I'm sticking with you - Velvet Underground  
> Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle and Sebastian  
> So nice, so smart - Kimya Dawson  
> Tire swing - Kimya Dawson  
> Sea of Love - Cat Power  
> Loose Lips - Kimya Dawson  
> All I want is you - Barry Louis Polisar  
> I like giants - Kimya Dawson  
> Anyone else but you - The Moldy Peaches
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this all the way to its happy ending. I can assure you that I have made -and continue doing- a small dance of victory everytime it gets a kudo or a comment from you. :)


End file.
